<![CDATA[A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess).]]>A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.

So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/topic/4088e145-f51e-4179-b5e4-481050e5ac45/a-friend-of-mine-has-a-20-year-old-son-who-just-got-engaged-to-his-18-year-old-girlfriend-fiancée-i-guess-.RSS for NodeSun, 01 Nov 2026 14:52:33 GMTThu, 29 Oct 2026 13:20:49 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:57:11 GMT]]>@juliette One of the hardest things about parenting, especially young adults, is that sometimes you can't keep them from falling, you can only cushion the landing. Be there. Support them. Don't burn any bridges.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://wandering.shop/users/troublewithwords/statuses/117524780228453281https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://wandering.shop/users/troublewithwords/statuses/117524780228453281Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:57:11 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:50:56 GMT]]>@toooobeeee @Branwen74 @juliette but in Finnish I would say "vähän yli miinus kymmenen astetta pakkasta" which literally is what I initially wrote in the meaning of having temperature lower than -10 Celsius.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mementomori.social/users/tarmot/statuses/117524755671285411https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mementomori.social/users/tarmot/statuses/117524755671285411Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:50:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:49:29 GMT]]>@toooobeeee @Branwen74 @juliette actually I was meaning something like -11 or -12 Celsius but as I'm tired from today's work I couldn't express myself clearly. Well, the exact temperature was not the point.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mementomori.social/users/tarmot/statuses/117524750004462140https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mementomori.social/users/tarmot/statuses/117524750004462140Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:49:29 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:45:53 GMT]]>@tarmot @Branwen74 @juliette This must be quintessential Finnish: calling -9° C "a bit **over** minus ten Celsius"... 😅😂😍

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://social.linux.pizza/users/toooobeeee/statuses/117524735789035039https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://social.linux.pizza/users/toooobeeee/statuses/117524735789035039Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:45:53 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:36:52 GMT]]>@juliette Let them get married...

It is really not a serious commitment (in my opinion), but weddings can bring the worst out in people.

If they can plan a wedding with a per-seating budget, agree on what she gets to spend on the dress, agree on what he gets to do on his stag night, and so on, then they are a long way of testing their compatibility under pressure.

The real commitment is going into debt or getting a child together.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://social.data.coop/users/pmakholm/statuses/117524700394926333https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://social.data.coop/users/pmakholm/statuses/117524700394926333Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:36:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:12:59 GMT]]>@juliette I’ll join the ’they are adults and should be allowed to make their own mistakes’ people here. Parenting also means to let go of the children. It is not the parents’ life and getting into relationships and even married is in many places quite normal.

What the friend thinks has not that much relevance. They might try talking to their son, but it’s like talking to anybody else and might not have an effect.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://kamu.social/users/pare/statuses/117524606444248820https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://kamu.social/users/pare/statuses/117524606444248820Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:12:59 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:06:32 GMT]]>@fritzoids @juliette or alternatively tell them they can wash at the friends place for the price of doing her clothes as well while they’re at it

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://cupoftea.social/users/pms/statuses/117524581057730747https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://cupoftea.social/users/pms/statuses/117524581057730747Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:06:32 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:05:25 GMT]]>@juliette

Generally, IMO the most effective (& affordable & consistent) way to meaningfully engage with young people is through a prosocial video game.

This is an evidence-based approach for dealing with sensitive topics (e.g. dating, consent, etc).

No title comes to mind right now, but if a young adult plays a game (alone) it affords them an oppty to experience the realities of (sensitive topic), safely make the *wrong* decisions, and consider the impacts.

And because it is a video game, they are more likely to be open to lessons learned.

[Our nonprofit org does this for younger people (11-13) experiencing their first dating relationship. The game 'HONEYMOON' helps them learn what healthy relationships look like.]

⭐ Such a game should be intentionally designed to explore these issues -- not designed merely for entertainment or profit.

Our program website has links & info if you are curious about the concepts involved.

https://gamingagainstviolence.org

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://games.ngo/users/crecente/statuses/117524576683129665https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://games.ngo/users/crecente/statuses/117524576683129665Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:05:25 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:02:18 GMT]]>@ondekvinde @juliette

My wife and I got together at 22 and 23 - a little older but not much. You don't know if you'll grow apart or not, but you also don't know this at 30.

Edit: One of my sisters was married and divorced before she was 24, and my youngest sister was in a relationship with her ex-teacher (I know) when she was... wayyyy too young.

You just have to have their back and help them get back on their feet if/when it falls apart.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mstdn.dk/ap/users/115904213986136232/statuses/117524564418359781https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mstdn.dk/ap/users/115904213986136232/statuses/117524564418359781Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:02:18 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:01:07 GMT]]>@juliette @fritzoids ahh I think the washing machine idea is great regardless of the marriage thing.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://cupoftea.social/users/pms/statuses/117524559757262756https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://cupoftea.social/users/pms/statuses/117524559757262756Thu, 29 Oct 2026 14:01:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:59:43 GMT]]>@juliette Your friend has good instincts. You don't do anything. They will both hate you for trying.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://fosstodon.org/users/woo/statuses/117524554262077455https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://fosstodon.org/users/woo/statuses/117524554262077455Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:59:43 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:57:29 GMT]]>@juliette some times being a parent is to watch your kid make bad moves and gain their own experience. Sometimes the kids even prove you wrong. My mom tried to talk me out of spending my savings on buying a flat with my boyfriend when I was 19. Now 33 years later I think he’s proven to her that he’s Ok 🤓.
I would ask them why getting officially married is so important. If they don’t have kids yet the legal aspects are not that important I’d think. They can throw a big engagement party to let everyone know about their love. But also to your friend why is it so important to her? Divorce is not nice of cause, but breaking up from a partner you’re not married to is not great either.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://cupoftea.social/users/pms/statuses/117524545531158944https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://cupoftea.social/users/pms/statuses/117524545531158944Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:57:29 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:56:52 GMT]]>@juliette You could be describing my relationship with my wife of 47 years. We were mature for our age. The odds aren't good but such relationships are not impossible.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://fosstodon.org/users/woo/statuses/117524543103236666https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://fosstodon.org/users/woo/statuses/117524543103236666Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:56:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:56:34 GMT]]>@juliette Disclaimer: I married my still-spouse when we where 20 and 21, didn’t ask for advice, just announced our plans and thankfully no one tried to treat us as minors 🤣

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://helvede.net/users/ondekvinde/statuses/117524541900334802https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://helvede.net/users/ondekvinde/statuses/117524541900334802Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:56:34 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:51:53 GMT]]>@juliette Do not nudge. Do not give advice. Do not meddle. It won’t work 🤣

The tickets for 3 months travel might work as a wake up call?

20 and 18 year old aren’t kids, they don’t need that kind of parenting, they might need kindness and backup and help and trust ♥️

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://helvede.net/users/ondekvinde/statuses/117524523491906911https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://helvede.net/users/ondekvinde/statuses/117524523491906911Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:51:53 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:42:07 GMT]]>@juliette I don't think you can.
I think you can have a conversation where you state your concern framed as "you are an adult so this is absolutely your decision and I respect that but this is why I'm worried"

My father had this conversation with me when I was 17 and it worked to make me get some perspective.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mefi.social/users/Zumbador/statuses/117524485096533416https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mefi.social/users/Zumbador/statuses/117524485096533416Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:42:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:39:56 GMT]]>@Zumbador 😂

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mstdn.social/ap/users/116017248096208274/statuses/117524476496821436https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mstdn.social/ap/users/116017248096208274/statuses/117524476496821436Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:39:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:38:51 GMT]]>@Branwen74 a canoe trip as well as a tandem bicycle... Baptism of FIRE for any relationship.

(we overheard a couple in a canoe, one of them shouted "Why do you DEFY ME!!!")

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mefi.social/users/Zumbador/statuses/117524472239293315https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mefi.social/users/Zumbador/statuses/117524472239293315Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:38:51 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:37:12 GMT]]>@juliette

oh dear. Then I'm seconding the suggestion to have them go on a longish vacation together. Sell it to them as seeing the world before life catches up with them.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mas.to/users/fritzoids/statuses/117524465718456239https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mas.to/users/fritzoids/statuses/117524465718456239Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:37:12 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:36:44 GMT]]>@Branwen74 @juliette when my wife was still a girlfriend we went hiking and such. Sharing a tent, pooing in the bushes and such are good tests for the relationship. And as a Finn I sort of tested her by taking her to winter swimming. A bit over minus ten Celsius and when she went from sauna to the sea I knew she was the one 😁

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mementomori.social/users/tarmot/statuses/117524463917532079https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://mementomori.social/users/tarmot/statuses/117524463917532079Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:36:44 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:34:56 GMT]]>@juliette

That is quite brilliant. Also gives them both a chance to get out and "see the world" including a whole bunch of interesting folk they never knew existed. They may see making a life-long decision right now as less compelling in that light.

I do a little tour guiding each year, and I see a lot of wild stuff between couple when they travel. It's also good for my marriage because after two weeks with any random group of strangers I am reminded of how lucky I am to have married my lovely wife!]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://social.ewenbell.com/objects/5bd016a3-4be6-4bb2-819c-2f71199c518ehttps://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://social.ewenbell.com/objects/5bd016a3-4be6-4bb2-819c-2f71199c518eThu, 29 Oct 2026 13:34:56 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:33:40 GMT]]>@juliette Not an exact answer to the question, but why is that such a bad idea? Having children means you will have more time to enjoy life later in life, you have more strength to raise children (getting up at random times during the night, etc) and there are excellent conditions for having children during education, (if its in Denmark).

(Okay, I am also skeptical because my in-laws advised my wife not to marry me, and I still bear some grudge after 14 years 😵‍💫)

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://helvede.net/users/tokeriis/statuses/117524451834560325https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://helvede.net/users/tokeriis/statuses/117524451834560325Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:33:40 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:33:20 GMT]]>@juliette IKEA is the standard method for testing relationships i think. It has it all; communication in a stressful environment, compatibility in style/preference, teamwork on assembling the furniture when they get home ect...

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://virup.social/users/benjaminlj/statuses/117524450572553400https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://virup.social/users/benjaminlj/statuses/117524450572553400Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:33:20 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). on Thu, 29 Oct 2026 13:32:55 GMT]]>@Branwen74 @juliette And don't forget packing a slightly too small bag and/or tent: camping in bad weather is a nice test as well.

]]>https://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://squilla.vitaulium.eu/users/leonieke/statuses/01M63XT4VCX405B0RSFCSR0B9Xhttps://forum.fedi.dk/post/https://squilla.vitaulium.eu/users/leonieke/statuses/01M63XT4VCX405B0RSFCSR0B9XThu, 29 Oct 2026 13:32:55 GMT