While you are a serviceable servant and I appreciate the things you do to worship me, I have gathered a small number of complaints that I must tell you.

I have noticed of late that you seem quite perturbed by some things that I do. Some of these things result in yelling, or completely removing me from a situation, often when I am greatly enjoying myself. For instance, despite having no use or palate for it yourself, you scold me horribly when I eat things like dust bunnies and other small things on the floor that haven't been swept up yet. I am also yelled at and pushed away from delicious treats such as wires, your glasses, cardboard boxes, bits of plastic, your jewelry, your decorations, your books, the food on your plate, your birthday cake... A world of tasty delights that you cruelly deny me.

I am also not overly fond of being clapped at or barked at when I am using my various scratching posts. Just because some of those are your couch and your bed doesn't mean they're not perfectly usable. The ones you got me are okay, but the couch just feels so good to scratch.

Also, speaking of my scratching posts, the ridiculous need to trim my claws is abhorrent, mean, undignified and insulting. I am a hunter, proud and strong, and my claws should be sharp and ready for any prey, such as small insects and the aforementioned dust bunnies.

Finally, my last complaint: You don't pet me enough. I do realize you pet me nearly every time you see me, but you can step it up a notch.

Thank you for reading. Please fix these errors in a timely fashion or I may have to speak to my lawyer, Mr. Fuzzy Ball, and you really don't want him involved. For now, just look at my cuteness, and feel your need to resist slip away...

Sincerely,
Your Beloved Feline Overlord

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