You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
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@bkuhn this is such an interesting question.
In situations where someone behaves as if they are in private but they're not, I think it's polite to let them know. So if someone walks into a room you're in and starts changing their clothes, you might say, "I'm here," or "Do you want this room to yourself?"
@bkuhn if someone does something, believing they are in private, that they shouldn't do anyway, well, I think you have less expectation to be polite and inform them that they are accidentally exposing their own bad behaviour.
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@bkuhn if someone does something, believing they are in private, that they shouldn't do anyway, well, I think you have less expectation to be polite and inform them that they are accidentally exposing their own bad behaviour.
@bkuhn and if you are the victim of that bad behaviour, I think the expectation is even lower.
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@bkuhn and if you are the victim of that bad behaviour, I think the expectation is even lower.
@bkuhn so, something like "that's not true and you are a jerk for saying it" would be entirely reasonable.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn I would honestly just DM the person who left the message and let them know they accidentally posted it publicly and may want to delete and continue the conversation in private. I definitely wouldn't engage on discussion about me that was not meant for me to see.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
I'm about tied between responding publicly or DM, but in neither case do I want to start a *discussion*. Leave them hanging with it.
What a awful and common condition. Right down to the mix of bullshit and unpleasant maybe truth!
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn I chose option 2. That is probably not the best option, but it is, realistically, what I’d do in that situation.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn I’d avoid DMs, (which can spiral) I would either say something in the group or wait to see if someone else points out the obvious unpleasant behaviour. If I saw this about a third party I would call it out, definitely. I’m sorry this happened, though, and if it helps to say so the individual in question has been a bit of a shite.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn I think it's helpful to let the person know they are writing publicly rather than privately.
Rather than argue with them I'd be tempted to turn this into a teaching moment, pointing out that when they talk about someone who's absent, they might consider doing so in the same way they would if that person were present. Because there's never any guarantee that what you write won't get back to them.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn Throw in a public "I guess that was meant to be a DM" and enjoy whatever happens next. Don't react beyond that in public. Let DMs sit for a few hours or a night before you engage (If at all. I've been in those situations a few times and this is what works best. A nights sleep gives me a better perspective. Immediate engagement ends up in emotional distress and me saying things I'd regret)
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@bkuhn Throw in a public "I guess that was meant to be a DM" and enjoy whatever happens next. Don't react beyond that in public. Let DMs sit for a few hours or a night before you engage (If at all. I've been in those situations a few times and this is what works best. A nights sleep gives me a better perspective. Immediate engagement ends up in emotional distress and me saying things I'd regret)
@jwildeboer @bkuhn yeah
the thing to keep in mind is that a certain sort of ass does this kind of "mistake" deliberately, as a boundary-erosion tactic. so it's important to set the boundary that no, you will not be drawn into this fight.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn Need "Say something in public, do not discuss/see what happens"
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn Screenshot it all first, then respond for maximum chaos. Keeping your screenshot-finger primed.
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn I'm fond of the last, in the "get a load of this" context, but the right answer is probably to dryly explain how to send private messages and then wander into another conversation so that they see that they haven't done anything beyond outing themselves.
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@jwildeboer @bkuhn yeah
the thing to keep in mind is that a certain sort of ass does this kind of "mistake" deliberately, as a boundary-erosion tactic. so it's important to set the boundary that no, you will not be drawn into this fight.
Which is why I think @jwildeboer response will still work. It points out you've seen it without provoking any further. If it was intentionally public, you've just given the sender a huge shrug while moving on.
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Which is why I think @jwildeboer response will still work. It points out you've seen it without provoking any further. If it was intentionally public, you've just given the sender a huge shrug while moving on.
@dazo @bkuhn @jwildeboer yes, we were agreeing
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@bkuhn if someone does something, believing they are in private, that they shouldn't do anyway, well, I think you have less expectation to be polite and inform them that they are accidentally exposing their own bad behaviour.
@evan Yeah, this situation was nuanced. The main criticisms were to some of my policy positions and how I'd expressed them in an email. It was a frank and rude assessment. Really, I wouldn't have minded the assessment delivered frankly to me on *purpose*. What troubled me was the gossip nature of it: the Person clearly wanted dish to Intended Recipient at how unreasonable they thought I was.
I mean, I can be unreasonable, but don't mind folks discussing it frankly with me. But don't gossip!
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@bkuhn Need "Say something in public, do not discuss/see what happens"
@trini Yeah, I was really annoyed that my Mastodon client only allowed four choices. I guess I can add more choices if I make the whole text shorter? I was doing it a bit quickly so I agree there aren't enough choices.
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@bkuhn I think it's helpful to let the person know they are writing publicly rather than privately.
Rather than argue with them I'd be tempted to turn this into a teaching moment, pointing out that when they talk about someone who's absent, they might consider doing so in the same way they would if that person were present. Because there's never any guarantee that what you write won't get back to them.
@bodhipaksa I like this approach.
I have strong opinions about people and their policies. I usually just end up saying them publicly, but if it's an ally I would say them privately to the person first, then disagree with them publicly.
Weirdly, the main complaint (that I wasn't supposed to see) was they felt I'd laid out my position too pedantically (apparently because I use footnotes in email? Which I've done for like 30 years, so maybe everyone already hates me for it and no one told me?)
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You're in a chatroom with people and it's clear that one Person thinks they are DM'ing Intended Recipient.
The Person writes their frank assessment of *you* personally and your allies — including mostly nasty and mean stuff that's just bullshit but some of it has some level of truthiness to it.
What do you do?
(I had this situation today and I basically just froze in uncertainty of what to do until it was all over.)
@bkuhn If possible I would forward it to Intended Recipient with Person cc and say: I believe this was meant for you. Then disengage (and fume privately).
