#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
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Credentials: am always somewhere between friendly and flirty, and love giving (and getting) good compliments.
Testimonial: Last week I explained this to a nice woman who said she didn't know how to flirt. A couple days later, she texted me that she tried it at a party over the weekend and ended up having sex with someone. (I can't tell you that it had anything to do with my advice, or that your experience will be similar, but it's a thing that happened)
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@crowbriarhexe @Bel_tamtu @alice that sounds suspiciously like flirting. So I imagine you are just being friendly
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@Bel_tamtu @alice I get compliments on my hair all the time, but I don't think most of those people are interested in flirting. This might be a WLW problem; I'm pretty sure the men who say things like that might want to flirt, but women seem to just be generically friendly.
@eruonna if their orientation likely excludes your gender, you're *probably* right that they're just being friendly, but you might also be surprised.
I've ended up dating men and women, gay and straight, and many who didn't fit one of those neat categories—sometimes to both our surprise.
️ This is not to say their orientations weren't what they said they were, or that you can "change" someone (there's no sex *that* good), but that attraction is messy and weird sometimes.Also, you have lovely hair
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
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Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
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"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice this is an excellent flirting guide but it's also why if I'm gonna compliment a stranger I'm gonna do it right as I'm leaving, or like just as I'm heading past, not even breaking stride.
The world is a hard place and people need compliments more than ever and a lady in the street said I had nice hair in 2021 and I still think about it sometimes but also man, I do not want a compliment to be seen as a weight that must be equalled in social obligation or a trap for further interaction so I tend to drop and run, what I want is delight and minor confusion and if someone takes it as a flirt then they're welcome to, I won't mind because I've already done a Road Runner and meepmeep-pyoom'd my ass off up the street
And here's your change.
🦝 Thanks. LOVE your glasses by the way! Aw, thank you! I like your - oh he's gone -
@alice this is an excellent flirting guide but it's also why if I'm gonna compliment a stranger I'm gonna do it right as I'm leaving, or like just as I'm heading past, not even breaking stride.
The world is a hard place and people need compliments more than ever and a lady in the street said I had nice hair in 2021 and I still think about it sometimes but also man, I do not want a compliment to be seen as a weight that must be equalled in social obligation or a trap for further interaction so I tend to drop and run, what I want is delight and minor confusion and if someone takes it as a flirt then they're welcome to, I won't mind because I've already done a Road Runner and meepmeep-pyoom'd my ass off up the street
And here's your change.
🦝 Thanks. LOVE your glasses by the way! Aw, thank you! I like your - oh he's gone@alice Alice your posts are a delight *logs off*
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@alice hm
I play Jenga by thinking of the possible moves and thinking about the next person, their dexterity and current level of anxiety or frustration, whether I should try to leave some easy moves for them or try to leave more of a challenge
and that's how I socialize too
but I don't flirt because nobody likes to be condescended at@zombiecide "nobody likes to be condescended at" is something I totally agree with, but what does that have to do with the flirting?
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The only folx I've seen who are *really* bad at flirting are the ones who treat it like a zero-sum game, or the ones who are poor sports when they don't "win".
@alice @Aaron_Davis @wyatt
“Put a smile on your kisser and maybe someone will put a kiss on your smiler.” I smile when making eye contact and receive one in return most of the time. Not trying a pickup just being pleasant to everyone that I encounter. -
@eruonna if their orientation likely excludes your gender, you're *probably* right that they're just being friendly, but you might also be surprised.
I've ended up dating men and women, gay and straight, and many who didn't fit one of those neat categories—sometimes to both our surprise.
️ This is not to say their orientations weren't what they said they were, or that you can "change" someone (there's no sex *that* good), but that attraction is messy and weird sometimes.Also, you have lovely hair
@alice @Bel_tamtu *panics and knocks over the whole tower*
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@alice I have the inverse problem - a lot of the time I see someone with cool nails and want to compliment them on them (because they're cool nails, not because of a flirt)... but as an outwardly cis man it pretty obviously will *look* like a flirt.
@aoanla that's why disengaging is important.
"Your nails are gorgeous!"
Then you smile and go back to minding your business.
If they say "oh, thank you!", then a simple "you're welcome
" works.If they say "oh, thank you!" and show their nails off to you, then they're probably open to continuing the interaction.
If they say "oh, thank you!", show their nails off to you, and then they follow up with "would you like to have sex?", then a simple "no thanks, I was just admiring your nails
" works. -
#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice
Best post I've read this morning, Alice.
Wish I'd seen it 60 years ago. -
@alice I don't get a lot of opportunities to play Jenga, but the next time so much as the topic of Jenga comes up, I'm going to get all flushed now!
Reading/hearing someone talk about flirting with this much intelligence is hawt 🥰
@ZenHeathen thank you 🥰 and good luck next time you play Jenga
I (re)wrote this because "how do I flirt?" is one of those questions I get surprisingly often (and I couldn't find my original post about it, so I thought I should make a more in-depth one).
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@alice Yeah I can see that. He also tries to get other people to lose by being sneaky. (Like in one episode, he lies to Stuart in order to sabotage his date with Penny.)
@Aaron_Davis eww...
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@airshipper it's true. When someone gives me a good compliment on something I put effort into, it often makes my whole day 🥰
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@ZenHeathen thank you 🥰 and good luck next time you play Jenga
I (re)wrote this because "how do I flirt?" is one of those questions I get surprisingly often (and I couldn't find my original post about it, so I thought I should make a more in-depth one).
@alice I think you would do a bang-up (
) job writing such an essay in response to a (theoretical) querent complaining about consent. "But I can't just say, 'can I kiss you?'! That's awful, that ruins the mood!" I know how I'd respond to them, and I'll bet your thoughts are similar. -
@alice this is an excellent flirting guide but it's also why if I'm gonna compliment a stranger I'm gonna do it right as I'm leaving, or like just as I'm heading past, not even breaking stride.
The world is a hard place and people need compliments more than ever and a lady in the street said I had nice hair in 2021 and I still think about it sometimes but also man, I do not want a compliment to be seen as a weight that must be equalled in social obligation or a trap for further interaction so I tend to drop and run, what I want is delight and minor confusion and if someone takes it as a flirt then they're welcome to, I won't mind because I've already done a Road Runner and meepmeep-pyoom'd my ass off up the street
And here's your change.
🦝 Thanks. LOVE your glasses by the way! Aw, thank you! I like your - oh he's goneMeepMeep Pyoom is the family-friendly version of POD's Click Click Boom from the 90s.
-
#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice star crossed is a game that makes this analogy extremely clear. https://bullypulpitgames.itch.io/star-crossed
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice incredible. bookmarked. thank you
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@alice this is an excellent flirting guide but it's also why if I'm gonna compliment a stranger I'm gonna do it right as I'm leaving, or like just as I'm heading past, not even breaking stride.
The world is a hard place and people need compliments more than ever and a lady in the street said I had nice hair in 2021 and I still think about it sometimes but also man, I do not want a compliment to be seen as a weight that must be equalled in social obligation or a trap for further interaction so I tend to drop and run, what I want is delight and minor confusion and if someone takes it as a flirt then they're welcome to, I won't mind because I've already done a Road Runner and meepmeep-pyoom'd my ass off up the street
And here's your change.
🦝 Thanks. LOVE your glasses by the way! Aw, thank you! I like your - oh he's gone@ifixcoinops sounds like you're doing it right. Particularly when you have a position of power or privilege, it's really important not to use it as leverage. Dropping a compliment when the other person has an easy out is totally the way to go.
*And, for anyone wondering, if the world assumes more of your traits as the default than it does theirs, then you likely have power and privilege in that situation. Male? Heterosexual? White? Economically comfortable? And so on...
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@alice Alice your posts are a delight *logs off*
@ifixcoinops thank you
It's really cool that you fix old arcade machines! What got you into that?
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@alice I think you would do a bang-up (
) job writing such an essay in response to a (theoretical) querent complaining about consent. "But I can't just say, 'can I kiss you?'! That's awful, that ruins the mood!" I know how I'd respond to them, and I'll bet your thoughts are similar.@ZenHeathen consent (of the informed, enthusiastic, freely-given, and ongoing variety) is *so* important...not to mention fucking hot.
