#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
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@Scmbradley ooo, I haven't played that! Is it good?
@alice @Scmbradley it's very highly regarded in game design circles
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine 
" Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice THAT'S TOO MUCH WORK. HOW DOES ANY OF THIS HELP ME WIN AT JENGA
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@alice@lgbtqia.space I honestly needed this advice myself but my sibling who is goddamn desperate to find friends and maybe love but struggles with social interactions definitely needed to hear this. Thank you so much for putting this all into words. I myself only vaguely had a sense of some of these but didnt know how to clearly express them
@queenofsquiggles also, for your sibling (and in general), flirting doesn't have to lean towards romance—platonic flirting is perfectly valid, and a great way to build fun friendships.
There are very few people in the world who dislike having someone respectfully take an interest in them as a person (and that's all flirting is when you get down to it).
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@cynthiarose @PhoenixSerenity @alice
Personally I like both and at times have been delighted to find the border somewhat fluid.
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice Gee, Alice, you did a great job explaining that!
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@alice Gee, Alice, you did a great job explaining that!
@alice Seriously, if you ever attain the power of time travel, please explain it this way to 16-year-old me.
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice beautifully written , thanks for the sense of humor and structure
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice fantastic analogy
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.I never thought complimenting someone was part of flirting. TIL (And yes, I am clueless about it. I am 56 and literally have never noticed anyone flirting with me in my entire life, even though I've been married. I'm sure it happened, I just didn't notice.)
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.Beautifully done, Alice!
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice I'm looking at that one jenga piece that isn't upside down.
-
@alice I absolutely agree.
If you think things are right with that person, and in this moment, that you should kiss them, but you *can't* find a good way to say, "can I kiss you", then you're reading is wrong about the person or the moment. Or you're just a goof, and should go home and think about this stuff, because you got no game. I've had occasion to find quite a number of good ways of saying essentially that, and it's always gone well--by which I mean that *sometimes* it has resulted in a kiss, but it has *always* been appreciated. In fact, I have said that exact phrase, "can I kiss you"--the one that everyone who complains about consent says is the moment-killer--and it has worked out fine, better than fine.
Also--and this is one part those nay-sayers never seem to consider--if you've read the person or the moment wrong, and you hang it out there verbally and face rejection, that's a hell of a lot softer rejection that you'd face if you read things wrong and just went for it. *And*, if you ask, and they say no--even if you're the type to have your mind on an end goal (a fatal mistake in my book, but we're talking about folks who poo-poo consent talk)--then consider that even though they don't want to kiss you, you just showed them that a) consent matters to you, b) you can be an adult and ask, and c) you can accept a no. You just showed that person a lot of respect, and you probably just earned respect back from them. If you're that end-goal person? They may not want to kiss you now, but your odds that they might want to in the future just went up a little.
I *love* talking about this stuff. Gets my blood going. It's almost as good as Jenga.
@ZenHeathen @alice yeah, personally I have pretty bad RSD, and when I think hard about how best to approach a subject like that (as I always do, out of fear), I think it would be much easier to hear a "no" or a "not right now" than a "what the fuck are you doing?!"
And as a traumatized demisexual, someone asking is a green flag that'll likely plant the seeds of attraction in my mind even if I didn't see them that way at all prior -
@jesuisatire not at all. I flirt with people because it's fun, and I like when other folx are having fun with it too.
The reason it's important to play it as a co-op game, and raise the stakes *slowly*, is because everyone has different boundaries, and if you take it slow, you can judge when to call it while y'all are still enjoying it, not after someone has stopped having fun.
Despite having had a lot of partners, most of my flirting doesn't end up anywhere near sex because, while sex is great and all, there are plenty of things that are at least as enjoyable, and plenty of people who are fun to flirt with that I'm not necessarily attracted to in that way.
Sounds good to me.
Actually quite often someone you know just doesn't to fit to end up sharing the ultimate pleasure with. Perhaps because they only are about reaching their very own shenga... anyway, this already sounds like you are on your way to flirt with me. And to be sincere, we Bonobos do not have sexual intercourse with other species like some of you humans, that's kinda creepy for us. Well, in general we do not have your problems, we live in a matriarchy, that's way easier and our girls have no problems to help us out when ever we become to aroused. As they rule, they don't have to fear us ..
-
#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work. -
@cynthiarose @PhoenixSerenity @alice
Personally I like both and at times have been delighted to find the border somewhat fluid.
@Twotired
I abhor both. I've removed many people who behave in those lack of direct communication ways.
I'm into direct communications & no extra assumptions otherwise. I am autistic & cannot stand what I feel are bait/switch BS situations. I can't deal with full grown adults who refuse to communicate, directly or whom I feel have misled me with their true intentions. -
@cynthiarose
Men who #FuckZone women hate it when we flip the tables. Too bad. They can stop complaining about being friend-zoned, when their goal was to net us into their fuck-zones. -
@alice I am going to give random strangers my handle of mastodon in the supermarket
@autisticplushy @alice I printed Moo MiniCards for the first time in 12 or so years, with my email/Mastodon/Flickr/Signal details. They were a combination of cool* photos I took and photos of my cat; I had to get another box done with just my cat, as her ones went quickly.
I’m half-seriously considering getting a button badge made up reading “No I’m not on Instagram”
-
#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice good advice!
-
@alice What are some ways you've asked (not necessarily re kissing, but it's a good example)?
I think I've used
"Can I kiss you?"
"I would very much like to kiss you." (Delivery is everything, eye contact is an absolute must, "smolder" is advised.)
"I was just thinking about how much I'd like to kiss you."And one that I remember for sure--I like turning the question on its ear:
"Why haven't you kissed me yet?"@ZenHeathen "Why haven't you kissed me yet?" feels like it puts me in a position of having to explain why I've disappointed you in some way, but good delivery *could* still make it land well.
I've gotten "can I kiss you?" several times, and it's what I use most often as well. Though I did get one person who replied "I don't know, can you?" which prompted an exaggerated
from me...then we kissed.One girl, when I was younger, came up, stood shoulder to shoulder next to me and just casually said "hey, I think you're hot, wanna make out?". I flustered and declined, citing that I didn't really know her. She said she'd save a seat on the bus in case I wanted to get go know her. We ended up dating for a little while.
A guy followed me into the bathroom at a bar and asked if he could "help". That didn't go over well.
I've had someone say "I'd like to kiss you, if that's okay". We kissed in the park, and ended up making out in their car for a while, but there wasn't really a spark, so I didn't opt for a second date.
Someone once asked "can I taste your lips?". That was kind of hot, but I think it was the attractive goth delivering the question more than the question itself.
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@eruonna if their orientation likely excludes your gender, you're *probably* right that they're just being friendly, but you might also be surprised.
I've ended up dating men and women, gay and straight, and many who didn't fit one of those neat categories—sometimes to both our surprise.
️ This is not to say their orientations weren't what they said they were, or that you can "change" someone (there's no sex *that* good), but that attraction is messy and weird sometimes.Also, you have lovely hair
@alice @eruonna @Bel_tamtu people's guesses of others' sexuality is wrong all the time, too. I think when I flirt with women, especially cis women outside of sapphic specific spaces, they usually just assume I'm being friendly. Once I mentioned a girlfriend and my coworker looked at me with a lot of confusion for a sec before going "OH, you're BI!"
I don't even like men.
