#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
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@alice okay, speaking as someone who got conditioned to play Jenga only competitively, this is an amazing and eye-opening analogy.
@Weirdaholic the only games with a clear loser are the zero-sum ones.
Most games are cooperative if you play them right
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#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
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Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
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"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine 
" Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice *just now realizing I was probably being flirted with some of those times people liked my t-shirt or hair color*
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@alice Yeah my bit of paper that says "You qualified for the diagnostic criteria for Autism" means that after explanation, it still doesn't make any sense. I've had two partners, so some flirting must have happened at some stage, I just wasn't aware of it
@ProphetsCross I'm also autistic, and have been known to be oblivious to flirting, which is one of the reasons thinking of it like this has been so helpful for me.
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@alice oh man tell me about it, working retail taught me firsthand not to flirt with folks who can't leave the area haha
@ifixcoinops I've dated several bartenders, and omg, watching drunk folx try to flirt with them *constantly* was so
Especially the ones who couldn't take a hint.
Tl;dr: Don't flirt with a captive audience. It shows poor boundaries.
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@alice @crowbriarhexe @eruonna @Bel_tamtu
The now-near-homicidally queer supporting priest staring at me from the altar when I ask him if maybe this means she like, REALLY likes me, or something:@WhiteCatTamer "I mean yeah, but she might just be *really* nice"
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@Weirdaholic the only games with a clear loser are the zero-sum ones.
Most games are cooperative if you play them right
@alice Given, that I'm nerfing myself when playing with my 3-year-old nephew, already, it's not that of a foreign concept... but it wouldn't have crossed my mind to expand it to other areas of life.
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@alice *just now realizing I was probably being flirted with some of those times people liked my t-shirt or hair color*
@recursive yes. Not always, but yes.
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@autisticplushy @alice I printed Moo MiniCards for the first time in 12 or so years, with my email/Mastodon/Flickr/Signal details. They were a combination of cool* photos I took and photos of my cat; I had to get another box done with just my cat, as her ones went quickly.
I’m half-seriously considering getting a button badge made up reading “No I’m not on Instagram”
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@bigiain well, I met one of my current partners because I was playing "anti-Jenga" with their spouse at a party my girlfriend hosted.
"Anti-Jenga" being where you set up a Jenga tower on one side of the room and then use a 2' tall trebuchet to launch Halloween candy at it to knock it over...of course.
We've been in a lovely relationship ever since.
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That's the fun thing about labels really. They're identities you vibe with, not restrictions on your experiences or behavior. I mean, even though the labels I use for myself (lesbian trans woman) are "narrower" than yours, I still find that little dialog relatable and in some ways optimal.
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@autisticplushy @alice Do it at the bike rack and you might get some in return.
@WhiteCatTamer @autisticplushy @alice
The name's Mastodon . . . John Mastodon.
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That's the fun thing about labels really. They're identities you vibe with, not restrictions on your experiences or behavior. I mean, even though the labels I use for myself (lesbian trans woman) are "narrower" than yours, I still find that little dialog relatable and in some ways optimal.
@eruonna have I told you lately that I like you?
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@alice it's like doing a little twist, but with words instead of a leading domination mechanic
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@airshipper it's true. When someone gives me a good compliment on something I put effort into, it often makes my whole day 🥰
@alice @airshipper @BenHM3 it may be a cultural thing, but randomly complimenting strangers with something like "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
" seems rather intrusive to me. -
#PSA: #Flirting is like playing #Jenga, and a lot of people don't know how to play Jenga either.
If you're not familiar with Jenga, here's my description: Jenga is a *cooperative*, turn-based game, in which you and one or more willing partners attempt to build anticipation until someone gets too flustered and spills the pieces.
The win condition is:"How long can we maintain that state *just* before the tower falls—when everyone is on the edge of their seats, leaning in, wide-eyed and holding their breath?"
The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. As tension builds, everyone gets more involved in the game, and when the tower finally topples—regardless of who knocked it over—it should be exciting, fun for everyone, and involve positive aftercare; that's what makes people happy they played with you (and want to play another round).
Some mistakes I see people making when they play:
- forcing the game; not everyone wants to play with you—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you *can* make an early goblin move that'll destabilize the tower in the hopes of a quick topple, but if your only goal is to spill blocks, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to knock the tower over—don't use them—folx won't want to play with you.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear, and if you knock the tower down, as long as y'all're having fun playing, there's nothing stopping you from picking right back up and starting another round.
---
Some mistakes I see people making when they flirt (or engage in any social interaction):
- forcing the interaction; not everyone is open to that kind of attention—respect that.
- making "big dick" moves to speed the game up; sure, you can open with a dick pic or a wolf-whistle, but if your goal is to flirt *at* someone, it's better if you just play with yourself at home.
- trying to get the other person to lose; there are plenty of sneaky ways to make the other person more likely to sleep with you—don't use them—that's coercion at best, and quite possibly sexual assault.
- dragging out your turn because you're too afraid to "lose"; it's not as bad as you fear. If you're genuine, and playing because you want the *other* person to have fun, then most folx will be flattered you made that effort, even if they're not interested in playing a full round.
---
"How do I let someone know I want to play with them?"
> Try complimenting them on something they *put effort into*—"Those are amazing earrings!"
"How do I do that without feeling creepy?"
> Smile, say it, and disengage. If they're receptive, they'll engage you.
"How do I know what to say?"
> Most people are pretty interesting, and most people who want to be interacted with will put out bids for interaction, so look for cues. Are they wearing a cool t-shirt? Is their hair dyed? Have they smiled at you more than once (and you're not a customer)?
"Yeah, but really, how do I know what to say?"
> The game is played by taking turns poking around for a good piece and then making a move. Each move raises the stakes *just a little bit*. When they take a turn, they'll often leave an opening just for you. If they don't, they might also be bad a Jenga, or they're not really into playing with you right now.
"Can you give me examples?"
> Sure.
You're in line at a grocery store, and there's a cute person in line next to you, so you wait until *one* of you is leaving the line. "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
", then you go back to what you were doing. If they want to play, they'll say something like "thanks, I just dyed it! 🩵" and then wait for you to take your turn again; if they don't want to play, they might just say "thanks" and disengage. If it's your turn again, you might respond "did you have it professionally done? I've been meaning to redye mine " Now it's their turn to respond.Of course your turns will look different, but each one should take a cue from your partner, and also volunteer a possible move for them to make on their turn.
"My games keep fizzling out, how do I keep them lively?"
> Look for their cues, and leave your own cues for them. Co-op games are about helping your teammates so you can all have the most fun, and *anyone* feels awkward when they don't know what they should do on their turn, so don't leave them hanging.
"How do I let someone know I'd like to play again sometime?"
> Tell them. "I really enjoyed talking to you
and I'd like to do it again if you're interested. Can I give you my Mastodon handle?". If they look confused, just say you're a friend of @alice; that'll probably work.@alice Now that this has gotten a lot of traction, I'll throw my 2 cents into the ring. There are a handful of the "elder" residents at one of the sites I work at whom I've started conversing with. For whatever reason, they all start up conversations while I'm on site. But there's one guy in particular who is my favorite. I call him "Gandolf the White" and I told him he's the most beautiful man I've ever met. He blushed and said thank you. I guess I'm not bad at flirting after all.
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@alice @airshipper @BenHM3 it may be a cultural thing, but randomly complimenting strangers with something like "Your hair is amazing; I love that color blue
" seems rather intrusive to me.@alice @airshipper @BenHM3 On one hand, I never receive or give compliments (maybe because I'm just introverted and shabby) and on the other hand, my partner doesn't mind when strangers randomly compliment her clothing because of the colours or whatever, but it's pretty rare.
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@PhoenixSerenity I'm pretty flexible as long as intentions are clear and boundaries aren't crossed.
"I'm (not) interested in an intimate relationship."
Both are valid (though mutually exclusive) positions, and I can make an informed decision on how to proceed (or not).
It's the people who hide their intentions, or that don't respect boundaries or autonomy, that piss me off.
@alice @PhoenixSerenity @Twotired @cynthiarose they're not *totally* mutually exclusive. as an ace-spec (demi) person I often have no idea whether I do/will want an intimate relationship or on what timescale. I do try to make it clear that A) currently I'm interested in X (which may already be more sexual than most people expect but that is always optional), B) at an unspecified date (possibly years in the future) I may or may not, suddenly or gradually, become interested in Y, (no, I can't predict this, I've tried), C) I will accept a rejection (even after we start) and for my part I will be happy to continue our relationship in whatever form we are both comfortable with, and do my best to keep my feelings to myself if that will make them comfortable, and finally D) I really do want actual rejection instead of uncomfortable silence or a noncommittal response, please do not try to spare my feelings, it's not good for either of us. for some reason D is often the hardest sell
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@alice as a man, this is the tower whose height one should be most concerned about
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@ProphetsCross I'm also autistic, and have been known to be oblivious to flirting, which is one of the reasons thinking of it like this has been so helpful for me.
@alice @ProphetsCross Hello fellow oblivious to signals humans.
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@alice @PhoenixSerenity @Twotired @cynthiarose they're not *totally* mutually exclusive. as an ace-spec (demi) person I often have no idea whether I do/will want an intimate relationship or on what timescale. I do try to make it clear that A) currently I'm interested in X (which may already be more sexual than most people expect but that is always optional), B) at an unspecified date (possibly years in the future) I may or may not, suddenly or gradually, become interested in Y, (no, I can't predict this, I've tried), C) I will accept a rejection (even after we start) and for my part I will be happy to continue our relationship in whatever form we are both comfortable with, and do my best to keep my feelings to myself if that will make them comfortable, and finally D) I really do want actual rejection instead of uncomfortable silence or a noncommittal response, please do not try to spare my feelings, it's not good for either of us. for some reason D is often the hardest sell
@someonetellmetosleep
I am very straight up with the D choice. It's more often treated as I hate them when I don't. I'm just not into most men or anyone else, in general.
