Folks it's the end of the year and that means it's time to look back at the movies we've watched on #Monsterdon this year.
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Hoo boy, number five is INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES (1962). Woof. This one gets my vote for Worst Movie of the Year. Maybe in the whole of #Monsterdon. It’s like... You know when your Grandpa tries to tell you a joke, but because it was a joke from eighty years ago it’s simultaneously incomprehensible, inane, and offensive? Yeah, that’s Invasion of the Star Creatures. Except this movie is 80 minutes long. It’s a hideously racist, offensively sexist, cringe-inducingly embarrassing attempt at a film that, if you were feeling charitable, you might describe as a satisfactory ipecac.
The best thing I can say about it is that its sad attempts at slapstick made me appreciate even the racist Looney Tunes cartoons, because at least those have SOME redeeming features.
Six, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987).
Hey, it’s Tom Paris! Kind of surprisingly good in a hammy kind of way, I think of this film the same way I think of the Transformers movie -- it’s an hour-and-a-half toy ad, but it’s a FUN hour-and-a-half toy ad. Frank Langella as Skeletor is BY FAR the best thing about this film, chewing scenery like a real champ. But once again the Goth chick is my favorite of the cast, I think Evil Lyn should team up with Nyah, the titular Devil Girl from Mars, and terrorize the galaxy. It’d be a blast
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Six, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987).
Hey, it’s Tom Paris! Kind of surprisingly good in a hammy kind of way, I think of this film the same way I think of the Transformers movie -- it’s an hour-and-a-half toy ad, but it’s a FUN hour-and-a-half toy ad. Frank Langella as Skeletor is BY FAR the best thing about this film, chewing scenery like a real champ. But once again the Goth chick is my favorite of the cast, I think Evil Lyn should team up with Nyah, the titular Devil Girl from Mars, and terrorize the galaxy. It’d be a blast
Seven, THE GORGON (1964)! It’s hard to hate Hammer Films flicks. They had such a talent for finding beautiful locations for pretty people to take their shirts off in.
The Gorgon is actually a vampire movie without a vampire, which is bad enough, but its real sin is that it changes protagonists no less than four times. The worst one is the THIRD protagonist, who actively calls in the FOURTH protagonist to take his place and then DOESN’T LEAVE. So the last half hour of the film you’ve got a character just flapping around loose! Ah well, at least the Gorgon is well-designed, wish we got to see more of her.
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Seven, THE GORGON (1964)! It’s hard to hate Hammer Films flicks. They had such a talent for finding beautiful locations for pretty people to take their shirts off in.
The Gorgon is actually a vampire movie without a vampire, which is bad enough, but its real sin is that it changes protagonists no less than four times. The worst one is the THIRD protagonist, who actively calls in the FOURTH protagonist to take his place and then DOESN’T LEAVE. So the last half hour of the film you’ve got a character just flapping around loose! Ah well, at least the Gorgon is well-designed, wish we got to see more of her.
Eight, FROGS (1972)! Jaws, but it’s amphibians!
Okay, actually this film pisses me off. Because generally speaking when a monster film is TITLED after something, you expect that thing to be the primary antagonist of the film! Which is in fact NOT the case with Frogs (1972)! Only one person in the whole film is actually SUGGESTED to be killed by frogs, all the others die to actual predators or, like, falling face-first into pesticides or poor trigger discipline! If this film had followed proper monster movie title convention it would be called Common Household Accidents (1972)! Fuck off!
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Eight, FROGS (1972)! Jaws, but it’s amphibians!
Okay, actually this film pisses me off. Because generally speaking when a monster film is TITLED after something, you expect that thing to be the primary antagonist of the film! Which is in fact NOT the case with Frogs (1972)! Only one person in the whole film is actually SUGGESTED to be killed by frogs, all the others die to actual predators or, like, falling face-first into pesticides or poor trigger discipline! If this film had followed proper monster movie title convention it would be called Common Household Accidents (1972)! Fuck off!
Nine, C.H.U.D. (1984). Eh, a reasonably competent tale of radioactive waste mutants, I appreciated that they used actual on-location shots of cramped subway nooks and crannies. Shame the monsters were just vampires, but goopy. Ah well, at least they ate a lot of cops.
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Nine, C.H.U.D. (1984). Eh, a reasonably competent tale of radioactive waste mutants, I appreciated that they used actual on-location shots of cramped subway nooks and crannies. Shame the monsters were just vampires, but goopy. Ah well, at least they ate a lot of cops.
Ten, CRITTERS (1986). A ripoff of Gremlins, but a decent one. The main kid's kind of annoying and the humor is mostly of the gross-out kind, but the special effects are great and the plot's far more coherent than most of the movies we watch. And you get to see Neelix get eaten alive by Tribbles, which is well worth the price of admission
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Ten, CRITTERS (1986). A ripoff of Gremlins, but a decent one. The main kid's kind of annoying and the humor is mostly of the gross-out kind, but the special effects are great and the plot's far more coherent than most of the movies we watch. And you get to see Neelix get eaten alive by Tribbles, which is well worth the price of admission
Eleven, YETI: GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY (1977).
I've mentioned before that movies from the '70s feel kinda greasy? This one is the floor mat from a Denny's. The one under the fry vats. Eeeeeeugh. Yeti nipples and fishbones used as combs and an underaged girl being pursued by MULTIPLE adult men BLEUGH.
Also, due to some odd cultural things, the movie was FILMED in Italian, DUBBED into English, and then shown with ITALIAN SUBTITLES
KILL ME.
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Eleven, YETI: GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY (1977).
I've mentioned before that movies from the '70s feel kinda greasy? This one is the floor mat from a Denny's. The one under the fry vats. Eeeeeeugh. Yeti nipples and fishbones used as combs and an underaged girl being pursued by MULTIPLE adult men BLEUGH.
Also, due to some odd cultural things, the movie was FILMED in Italian, DUBBED into English, and then shown with ITALIAN SUBTITLES
KILL ME.
Twelve, CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988). I actually kinda liked the sequel better than the original. The alien Bounty Hunters felt like better fleshed-out characters and Charlie got a good ending to his plotline.
...Or at least he SHOULD HAVE, but they randomly revived him at the end credits with one of the stupidest plot twists known to man >_> Dropped the damn ball at the finish line <_<
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Twelve, CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988). I actually kinda liked the sequel better than the original. The alien Bounty Hunters felt like better fleshed-out characters and Charlie got a good ending to his plotline.
...Or at least he SHOULD HAVE, but they randomly revived him at the end credits with one of the stupidest plot twists known to man >_> Dropped the damn ball at the finish line <_<
Number thirteen is... Uh. THE CAT GIRL (1957), oh yeah. This one didn't make much of an impression, most of the film's about weird and annoying love triangles until the main character somehow gets cursed by a random panther. And then gets hit by a car.
Actually that last bit is the interesting part of the film, the main dude hits The Cat Girl with his car to save his woman and the cops basically go, "Oh, that's okay, you're rich and white. You get a freebie. Good night, doc!" Bleh.
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Number thirteen is... Uh. THE CAT GIRL (1957), oh yeah. This one didn't make much of an impression, most of the film's about weird and annoying love triangles until the main character somehow gets cursed by a random panther. And then gets hit by a car.
Actually that last bit is the interesting part of the film, the main dude hits The Cat Girl with his car to save his woman and the cops basically go, "Oh, that's okay, you're rich and white. You get a freebie. Good night, doc!" Bleh.
Number 14 is LASERBLAST (1977)! Sometimes a film will show you a character getting beaten up and bashed around and generally mistreated so that it can get you feeling some sympathy for a character that will later do some heinous things, but Laserblast kind of blows it. Like, yes, this kid has kind of a tough life, but he’s also not in control of the alien weapon that later takes over his body, soooooo you’re kind of just watching this slightly pathetic teenager have his already shitty life blown nine ways to hell for an hour and a half.
And then he gets shot by an extraterrestrial bounty hunter, which I guess is supposed to be ironic or something? I dunno, Laserblast felt like one of those films that had *heard* of having an underlying theme but didn’t quite understand what one was or how use it.
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Number 14 is LASERBLAST (1977)! Sometimes a film will show you a character getting beaten up and bashed around and generally mistreated so that it can get you feeling some sympathy for a character that will later do some heinous things, but Laserblast kind of blows it. Like, yes, this kid has kind of a tough life, but he’s also not in control of the alien weapon that later takes over his body, soooooo you’re kind of just watching this slightly pathetic teenager have his already shitty life blown nine ways to hell for an hour and a half.
And then he gets shot by an extraterrestrial bounty hunter, which I guess is supposed to be ironic or something? I dunno, Laserblast felt like one of those films that had *heard* of having an underlying theme but didn’t quite understand what one was or how use it.
Number 15, KRULL (1983)! Actually a really well-produced film with some excellent special effects. Its biggest issues mostly stem from having a plotline that mostly consists of random things happening one after the other. Eh, it's no Willow, at least, but I felt like you could've cut out half the "Thing Happens On The Road" events and lost nothing at all.
Oh, also this is the movie where evil is destroyed by the power of heterosexual marriage, for whatever that's worth.
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Number 15, KRULL (1983)! Actually a really well-produced film with some excellent special effects. Its biggest issues mostly stem from having a plotline that mostly consists of random things happening one after the other. Eh, it's no Willow, at least, but I felt like you could've cut out half the "Thing Happens On The Road" events and lost nothing at all.
Oh, also this is the movie where evil is destroyed by the power of heterosexual marriage, for whatever that's worth.
Number 16, FIRST MEN IN THE MOON (1964)! Aaah yes, the based sort-of-kind-of on an HG Wells thing. A down-on-his-luck financier funds a mad scientist's attempt to build the world's first spaceship. He, the financier, and the financier's much-lied-to fiancee then get bounced up to the moon where they spend an hour or so indulging all in the imperial impulses you would expect of 19th century Englishmen. They literally destroy the civilization they find with disease and the movie just kinda shrugs and ends on a note of "Well, that happened."
Eh, at least it's got Ray Harryhausen animation. That was good
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Number 16, FIRST MEN IN THE MOON (1964)! Aaah yes, the based sort-of-kind-of on an HG Wells thing. A down-on-his-luck financier funds a mad scientist's attempt to build the world's first spaceship. He, the financier, and the financier's much-lied-to fiancee then get bounced up to the moon where they spend an hour or so indulging all in the imperial impulses you would expect of 19th century Englishmen. They literally destroy the civilization they find with disease and the movie just kinda shrugs and ends on a note of "Well, that happened."
Eh, at least it's got Ray Harryhausen animation. That was good
Seventeen, THE BAT PEOPLE (1974)! The OTHER thing about greasy ‘70s movies is how often they’ll have extended relationship subplots that are literally just two straight people pointlessly bickering on film.
The Bat People features a bat biologist slowly going insane of a version of rabies that turns you into an anthropomorphic bat, but most of the movie is actually him arguing with his fiancee. Oh, and then once he’s too far gone with Rabid Bat-itis to continue his duties as protagonist, his fiancee takes over and gets sexually assaulted by a be-moustached sheriff, because that’s literally the only plot greasy ‘70s flicks ever give to women. Anyway, at least the cop dies in the end, that’s thoughtful.
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Seventeen, THE BAT PEOPLE (1974)! The OTHER thing about greasy ‘70s movies is how often they’ll have extended relationship subplots that are literally just two straight people pointlessly bickering on film.
The Bat People features a bat biologist slowly going insane of a version of rabies that turns you into an anthropomorphic bat, but most of the movie is actually him arguing with his fiancee. Oh, and then once he’s too far gone with Rabid Bat-itis to continue his duties as protagonist, his fiancee takes over and gets sexually assaulted by a be-moustached sheriff, because that’s literally the only plot greasy ‘70s flicks ever give to women. Anyway, at least the cop dies in the end, that’s thoughtful.
Number 18, THE GATE (1987)! In which some teenagers accidentally summon Satan through a hole in their lawn. It's kind of like if Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead featured Satan instead of a babysitter.
Anyway, this one of those actually-pretty-solid films we get occasionally, it's easy to see why it's a cult favorite. I do think the plot had some issues here and there, but honestly that's kind of fun, too. Nothing keeps a film in your mind like filling plot holes with pet theories
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Number 18, THE GATE (1987)! In which some teenagers accidentally summon Satan through a hole in their lawn. It's kind of like if Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead featured Satan instead of a babysitter.
Anyway, this one of those actually-pretty-solid films we get occasionally, it's easy to see why it's a cult favorite. I do think the plot had some issues here and there, but honestly that's kind of fun, too. Nothing keeps a film in your mind like filling plot holes with pet theories
Ooo, what're we on, nineteen? That's SLUGS (1988).
One of the few #Monsterdon movies to genuinely gross me out. The slugs themselves are pretty whatever, but the scene with the slug in the lettuce definitely haunts me.
Anyway, this is another one of those films where every character openly loathes every other character. Which is a nice time-saver, we don’t have to waste time worrying about one beloved character getting offed, we can just cheer as the cast gets progressively thinned out.
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Ooo, what're we on, nineteen? That's SLUGS (1988).
One of the few #Monsterdon movies to genuinely gross me out. The slugs themselves are pretty whatever, but the scene with the slug in the lettuce definitely haunts me.
Anyway, this is another one of those films where every character openly loathes every other character. Which is a nice time-saver, we don’t have to waste time worrying about one beloved character getting offed, we can just cheer as the cast gets progressively thinned out.
Twenty! That's BEYOND ATLANTIS (1973).
An exceptionally trashy take on the Atlantis mythos, Beyond Atlantis is pretty much a How-To manual for colonialism and exploitation. Capitalists discover resource, capitalists run roughshod over native populations in a desperate attempt to control resource, capitalists destroy source of resource out of ignorance, capitalists leave on boat and laugh at their own failures while the civilization they destroyed rots in the background. Anyway when two out of three of your main characters are pimps there’s only so much class you can expect out of a film.
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Twenty! That's BEYOND ATLANTIS (1973).
An exceptionally trashy take on the Atlantis mythos, Beyond Atlantis is pretty much a How-To manual for colonialism and exploitation. Capitalists discover resource, capitalists run roughshod over native populations in a desperate attempt to control resource, capitalists destroy source of resource out of ignorance, capitalists leave on boat and laugh at their own failures while the civilization they destroyed rots in the background. Anyway when two out of three of your main characters are pimps there’s only so much class you can expect out of a film.
Twenty-one is... FORBIDDEN PLANET (1956)!
An actual cinema classic, it's basically an episode of Star Trek TOS. Which makes sense, given that this is one of the things that inspired the series.
Anyway it's really a retelling of The Tempest in outer space, which... Actually kinda works? It's still pretty sexist, which is disappointing but not surprising, but it's got some amazing effects and an actual coherent plot. Not bad.
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Twenty-one is... FORBIDDEN PLANET (1956)!
An actual cinema classic, it's basically an episode of Star Trek TOS. Which makes sense, given that this is one of the things that inspired the series.
Anyway it's really a retelling of The Tempest in outer space, which... Actually kinda works? It's still pretty sexist, which is disappointing but not surprising, but it's got some amazing effects and an actual coherent plot. Not bad.
Twenty-two is GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (2004)!
If what you wanted out of a Godzilla movie is an absolute balls-to-the-wall post-Matrix clusterfuck of an action movie, this is your lucky day! Final Wars is what happens when you give six authors heroin and force them to watch Final Fantasy: Advent Children with Clockwork Orange-style goggles.
Which is to say it was fun, but it makes no sense.
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Twenty-two is GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (2004)!
If what you wanted out of a Godzilla movie is an absolute balls-to-the-wall post-Matrix clusterfuck of an action movie, this is your lucky day! Final Wars is what happens when you give six authors heroin and force them to watch Final Fantasy: Advent Children with Clockwork Orange-style goggles.
Which is to say it was fun, but it makes no sense.
Twenty-three, DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN (1972)!
So I’d love to tell you about the plot of Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein. I’d love to, but... Well, I have no idea what it is. I didn’t forget, I *have* actually seen the film! But, well, this film was directed by the guy who did The Castle of Fu Manchu, arguably one of the worst films of all time.
Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein is incoherent, incomprehensible, and I’d argue incontinent as well. The camera work is blurry, the dialogue is mumbly, even the MAKEUP is bad -- Frankenstein’s grey skin doesn’t go all the way up to his hairline! You can tell where the greasepaint ends! Just a sad, embarrassing film all ‘round.
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Twenty-three, DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN (1972)!
So I’d love to tell you about the plot of Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein. I’d love to, but... Well, I have no idea what it is. I didn’t forget, I *have* actually seen the film! But, well, this film was directed by the guy who did The Castle of Fu Manchu, arguably one of the worst films of all time.
Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein is incoherent, incomprehensible, and I’d argue incontinent as well. The camera work is blurry, the dialogue is mumbly, even the MAKEUP is bad -- Frankenstein’s grey skin doesn’t go all the way up to his hairline! You can tell where the greasepaint ends! Just a sad, embarrassing film all ‘round.
Number twenty-four is BOG (1979)! Which, I have to admit, passed entirely through my brain without making contact. I had to look the film up to write this blurb up.
The one thing I DO remember about this otherwise unremarkable hillbilly fishmonster movie is the EXTREMELY COOL lo-fi witch sequence! One of my favorite things about bad movies is every once in a long while you'll get a director who accidentally trips into actually making a cool piece of film like this, and it's great
But yeah other than that it's a pretty dull movie. Shoutout to the styrofoam fishhead, tho, that was pretty funny.
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Number twenty-four is BOG (1979)! Which, I have to admit, passed entirely through my brain without making contact. I had to look the film up to write this blurb up.
The one thing I DO remember about this otherwise unremarkable hillbilly fishmonster movie is the EXTREMELY COOL lo-fi witch sequence! One of my favorite things about bad movies is every once in a long while you'll get a director who accidentally trips into actually making a cool piece of film like this, and it's great
But yeah other than that it's a pretty dull movie. Shoutout to the styrofoam fishhead, tho, that was pretty funny.
Twenty, uh, FIVE! STARCRASH (1979)!
I actually love this film. It's a super campy ripoff of Star Wars with a female protagonist and set design that feels right out of a Mobius sketchbook. And you've got Christopher Plummer chewing the scenery for pennies a day! Genuinely a great time.
