I'm a person who holds grudges.
-
I'm a person who holds grudges. I don't easily forget significant past hurts. To hold grudges is typically seen as a bad trait where I come from. I live by the principle, that there's something valuable in most if not all personality traits, although there is also always a price to pay for that trait. What are some non-obvious consequences of holding grudges? I want to learn.
-
I'm a person who holds grudges. I don't easily forget significant past hurts. To hold grudges is typically seen as a bad trait where I come from. I live by the principle, that there's something valuable in most if not all personality traits, although there is also always a price to pay for that trait. What are some non-obvious consequences of holding grudges? I want to learn.
In Danish we call it "nag" which comes from the norrøn "gnaga", ie. bite or gnaw with your front teeth into something, slowly taking it apart. Which is perhaps what happens to the relationship in question.
-
In Danish we call it "nag" which comes from the norrøn "gnaga", ie. bite or gnaw with your front teeth into something, slowly taking it apart. Which is perhaps what happens to the relationship in question.
One thing I might remind myself of is that often times the people I hold grudges against don't even realize why I do it. At the end of the day, grudges are still to some extent a hidden anger - and it is persistent. In other words, a passive aggression. If there's something I don't like about grudges then, it is that they don't assert themselves directly. I don't like when other people behave like snipers, so I wouldn't want to do it myself either. The persistence I don't mind.
-
One thing I might remind myself of is that often times the people I hold grudges against don't even realize why I do it. At the end of the day, grudges are still to some extent a hidden anger - and it is persistent. In other words, a passive aggression. If there's something I don't like about grudges then, it is that they don't assert themselves directly. I don't like when other people behave like snipers, so I wouldn't want to do it myself either. The persistence I don't mind.
@malte ignoring 'obvious' because you never know, consequences:
* disincentivizes people transforming/improving themselves if they know it won't make a difference
* possibly makes people censor themselves / put distance to you, because errors not easily forgiven
* if you hold grudges against yourself... well, that's not nice
* puts a cap on love... but you can only do so much social work, and if people fuck up bad enough and you don't need to interact with them, why not grudge.
-
@malte ignoring 'obvious' because you never know, consequences:
* disincentivizes people transforming/improving themselves if they know it won't make a difference
* possibly makes people censor themselves / put distance to you, because errors not easily forgiven
* if you hold grudges against yourself... well, that's not nice
* puts a cap on love... but you can only do so much social work, and if people fuck up bad enough and you don't need to interact with them, why not grudge.
@douginamug It's true, 'obvious' can be quite different from people to people. And I see we see things a bit differently. I would not hold a grudge toward someone that makes up for their hurt. I think this is a common misconception about people who hold grudges. In my experience, grudges often come from valuing some things very deeply. They're conflicts of love.
-
@douginamug It's true, 'obvious' can be quite different from people to people. And I see we see things a bit differently. I would not hold a grudge toward someone that makes up for their hurt. I think this is a common misconception about people who hold grudges. In my experience, grudges often come from valuing some things very deeply. They're conflicts of love.
@malte I guess you're responding to people forgiving too quickly or easily. Presumably in an effort to create harmony (Northern European high five). And I totally agree that you shouldn't do that.
-
@malte I guess you're responding to people forgiving too quickly or easily. Presumably in an effort to create harmony (Northern European high five). And I totally agree that you shouldn't do that.
@douginamug Yes indeed, that's something grudges can teach us.
