I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
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I hope today John Roberts has trouble getting his tie tied correctly for some reason so that he spends 10 minutes just standing in front of the mirror tying and re-tying it because it keeps coming out too short or too long and when he finally gets the length right the knot lands at a slightly too narrow part of the tie so it comes out sort of small and the dimple is a little to the side and then all day it just keeps twisting and twisting until the knot is sort of sideways and it just looks like he's some kid who's never tied a tie before and he stops thinking about it eventually because he can't see it but everyone else in his chambers notices and thinks that despite his two Harvard degrees maybe he is not as sophisticated as they thought he was.
This morning I hope John Roberts goes out to a really good breakfast diner with nice waitresses and the food is delicious and the portions are *really* large so he puts two-thirds of his plate into a to go box to enjoy later and in general it feels like the first really good day he's had since, what, January? and then as he's walking back out to his car he stumbles for no reason besides inattention and drops his to-go clamshell which pops open and the French toast and bacon and flimsy little container of real maple syrup all just smear across the sidewalk and instead of being happy today he becomes sad again.
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This morning I hope John Roberts goes out to a really good breakfast diner with nice waitresses and the food is delicious and the portions are *really* large so he puts two-thirds of his plate into a to go box to enjoy later and in general it feels like the first really good day he's had since, what, January? and then as he's walking back out to his car he stumbles for no reason besides inattention and drops his to-go clamshell which pops open and the French toast and bacon and flimsy little container of real maple syrup all just smear across the sidewalk and instead of being happy today he becomes sad again.
I don't plan on stopping, but here's a @MastoReader collation of all my John Roberts curses so far (Jan. to now): https://mastoreader.io/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fc.im%2F%40msbellows%2F116387809850196683
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@heafnerj If it gets long enough maybe I'll do it! Thanks!
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This morning I hope John Roberts goes out to a really good breakfast diner with nice waitresses and the food is delicious and the portions are *really* large so he puts two-thirds of his plate into a to go box to enjoy later and in general it feels like the first really good day he's had since, what, January? and then as he's walking back out to his car he stumbles for no reason besides inattention and drops his to-go clamshell which pops open and the French toast and bacon and flimsy little container of real maple syrup all just smear across the sidewalk and instead of being happy today he becomes sad again.
This morning for breakfast I hope John Roberts' wife makes him grits (which he loathes) and overcooked scrambled eggs (which make him nauseated), and now he's *extra* sad he dropped yesterday's delicious breakfast leftovers on the sidewalk.
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This morning for breakfast I hope John Roberts' wife makes him grits (which he loathes) and overcooked scrambled eggs (which make him nauseated), and now he's *extra* sad he dropped yesterday's delicious breakfast leftovers on the sidewalk.
I hope that on his way to work today John Roberts stops at a new coffee place for a medium latte with one sugar but when the girl (?) with three nose rings hands him his cup he doesn't notice that it has "Omar" written on the side and he's already driven away before he takes his first sip and realizes what she (?) gave him was unsweetened black tea and he doesn't like black tea because to him it tastes like dirt and the tannins give him an upset stomach.
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@Ericthebeeover2 Shhhh. No spoilers!
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I hope that on his way to work today John Roberts stops at a new coffee place for a medium latte with one sugar but when the girl (?) with three nose rings hands him his cup he doesn't notice that it has "Omar" written on the side and he's already driven away before he takes his first sip and realizes what she (?) gave him was unsweetened black tea and he doesn't like black tea because to him it tastes like dirt and the tannins give him an upset stomach.
I hope today in front of the Supreme Court building a protester throws a rubber dildo at John Roberts like folks elsewhere are doing to ICE and it bounces off the building's marble cladding and lands right at his feet and ofc he doesn't want to touch it but also he doesn't want to just leave it lying there sullying the dignity of the Court and because he's an orderly person he decides to do the right thing and dispose of it and the instant he bends over and has it in his hand yep, you guessed it, 163 different protesters and tourists all take and post photos of the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court with his butt stuck out holding a dildo and before he even reaches his chambers everyone has seen it and his law clerks are snickering and he feels gullible and foolish so he decides maybe he can deflect some of his embarrassment with more humor so he puts it in Clarence Thomas's inbox, but Clarence doesn't think that's funny either and chews him out so John's whole day is basically shot.
https://www.closertotheedge.net/p/the-dildo-distribution-delegation -
@955_36 Noted for future reference. (Have I done a back pain curse yet?)
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I hope today in front of the Supreme Court building a protester throws a rubber dildo at John Roberts like folks elsewhere are doing to ICE and it bounces off the building's marble cladding and lands right at his feet and ofc he doesn't want to touch it but also he doesn't want to just leave it lying there sullying the dignity of the Court and because he's an orderly person he decides to do the right thing and dispose of it and the instant he bends over and has it in his hand yep, you guessed it, 163 different protesters and tourists all take and post photos of the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court with his butt stuck out holding a dildo and before he even reaches his chambers everyone has seen it and his law clerks are snickering and he feels gullible and foolish so he decides maybe he can deflect some of his embarrassment with more humor so he puts it in Clarence Thomas's inbox, but Clarence doesn't think that's funny either and chews him out so John's whole day is basically shot.
https://www.closertotheedge.net/p/the-dildo-distribution-delegationToday I hope several of the justices go out for lunch to a little restaurant serving South American food and the meal includes a plate of deep fried savory meat pies that John Roberts finds delicious and praises several times out loud except he calls them empañadas, carefully rolling the tilde ~ to show he's erudite, instead of empanadas, which they're actually called, until finally Sonia Sotomayor corrects him in front of everyone, and then he's embarrassed.
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@qurlyjoe I don't know that "empañadas"exist. "Pan" = "bread" so em-pan-ada means "em-bread-ed" – a filling wrapped in bread.
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Today I hope several of the justices go out for lunch to a little restaurant serving South American food and the meal includes a plate of deep fried savory meat pies that John Roberts finds delicious and praises several times out loud except he calls them empañadas, carefully rolling the tilde ~ to show he's erudite, instead of empanadas, which they're actually called, until finally Sonia Sotomayor corrects him in front of everyone, and then he's embarrassed.
Today I hope that John Roberts remembers that he completely forgot about what would have been Antonin Scalia's 90th birthday last month, and in contrition and fondness he decides to try mortification of the flesh in Scalia's honor and so he digs out the cilice Scalia once gave him to celebrate Josemaría Escrivá's birthday and straps it tightly around his upper thigh under his slacks, with the points digging painfully into the soft skin there, but he doesn't realize that Opus Dei associates are only supposed to wear the punishment device two hours a day and instead John wears it all day and that night when he finally goes to take it off it's bled in several places and scabbed itself into his skin and hurts and bleeds more when he pulls it loose and he wipes the whole area with alcohol for safety which also hurts like hell and wraps it in gauze and quickly pulls on his PJs so his wife won't see and honestly he doesn't feel any closer to God at all. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/06/opus-dei-gareth-gore-pope-leo
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@ermo Right? I'm glad they may finally get reined in. What a terrible, unJesuslike idea Opus Dei is.
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@LeslieBurns That's... yeah, simultaneously impressive and troubling. (I knew what a cilice was, but had to look up what it was called.)
Condolences on the former in-laws.
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@skua _/\_
A curse a day! I never actually wish him dead or out of office, because I don't want Trump appointing the next Chief Justice, but I like to think that if all my little curses came true the cumulative effect would go from annoying to irritating to infuriating to stroke-inducing. And it's a fun writing prompt for me everyday.
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@skua Yeah, Leo and I coordinate these things, sort of like middle schoolers calling each other up in the morning before school to coordinate wardrobes.
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@LeslieBurns I wouldn't have made a scene. I would have borrowed the book, actually flipped through it in good faith, and "forgotten" to return it. Oopsie!
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Today I hope that John Roberts remembers that he completely forgot about what would have been Antonin Scalia's 90th birthday last month, and in contrition and fondness he decides to try mortification of the flesh in Scalia's honor and so he digs out the cilice Scalia once gave him to celebrate Josemaría Escrivá's birthday and straps it tightly around his upper thigh under his slacks, with the points digging painfully into the soft skin there, but he doesn't realize that Opus Dei associates are only supposed to wear the punishment device two hours a day and instead John wears it all day and that night when he finally goes to take it off it's bled in several places and scabbed itself into his skin and hurts and bleeds more when he pulls it loose and he wipes the whole area with alcohol for safety which also hurts like hell and wraps it in gauze and quickly pulls on his PJs so his wife won't see and honestly he doesn't feel any closer to God at all. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/06/opus-dei-gareth-gore-pope-leo
(P.S.: this is a cilice.)
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(P.S.: this is a cilice.)
Today I hope two very serious men appear at John Roberts' home and inform him that a sentimentally and esthetically pleasing painting he bought for cheap at a swap meet during law school and that hangs in his bedroom where he looks happily at it every single day actually was stolen by Nazis from a Jewish family and must be returned.
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Today I hope two very serious men appear at John Roberts' home and inform him that a sentimentally and esthetically pleasing painting he bought for cheap at a swap meet during law school and that hangs in his bedroom where he looks happily at it every single day actually was stolen by Nazis from a Jewish family and must be returned.
This morning I hope that as he's soaping his legs in the shower John Roberts encounters a couple painful places on his upper thigh and so he gets a mirror to look more closely and discovers that two of the sores left by the cilice he foolishly wore all day last Thursday have evolved into abscesses, and he also can see that on the skin above one of them is a red stripe running upward towards the lymph gland in his groin indicating that the infection has reached his lymphatic system, and so on this beautiful warm spring Saturday instead of going for a nice walk along the Tidal Basin to see if any cherry blossoms are left he has to go to an urgent care clinic and have the abscesses drained and be given strong antibiotics for what otherwise could become a life-threatening sepsis.
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@jancampbellcady It's funny how, in writing this whole thread since January, I've developed a particular voice, which includes odd specificity. Thanks!
