I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
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Today I hope that John Roberts remembers that he completely forgot about what would have been Antonin Scalia's 90th birthday last month, and in contrition and fondness he decides to try mortification of the flesh in Scalia's honor and so he digs out the cilice Scalia once gave him to celebrate Josemaría Escrivá's birthday and straps it tightly around his upper thigh under his slacks, with the points digging painfully into the soft skin there, but he doesn't realize that Opus Dei associates are only supposed to wear the punishment device two hours a day and instead John wears it all day and that night when he finally goes to take it off it's bled in several places and scabbed itself into his skin and hurts and bleeds more when he pulls it loose and he wipes the whole area with alcohol for safety which also hurts like hell and wraps it in gauze and quickly pulls on his PJs so his wife won't see and honestly he doesn't feel any closer to God at all. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/06/opus-dei-gareth-gore-pope-leo
(P.S.: this is a cilice.)
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(P.S.: this is a cilice.)
Today I hope two very serious men appear at John Roberts' home and inform him that a sentimentally and esthetically pleasing painting he bought for cheap at a swap meet during law school and that hangs in his bedroom where he looks happily at it every single day actually was stolen by Nazis from a Jewish family and must be returned.
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Today I hope two very serious men appear at John Roberts' home and inform him that a sentimentally and esthetically pleasing painting he bought for cheap at a swap meet during law school and that hangs in his bedroom where he looks happily at it every single day actually was stolen by Nazis from a Jewish family and must be returned.
This morning I hope that as he's soaping his legs in the shower John Roberts encounters a couple painful places on his upper thigh and so he gets a mirror to look more closely and discovers that two of the sores left by the cilice he foolishly wore all day last Thursday have evolved into abscesses, and he also can see that on the skin above one of them is a red stripe running upward towards the lymph gland in his groin indicating that the infection has reached his lymphatic system, and so on this beautiful warm spring Saturday instead of going for a nice walk along the Tidal Basin to see if any cherry blossoms are left he has to go to an urgent care clinic and have the abscesses drained and be given strong antibiotics for what otherwise could become a life-threatening sepsis.
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@jancampbellcady It's funny how, in writing this whole thread since January, I've developed a particular voice, which includes odd specificity. Thanks!
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@ShiitakeToast Hmmm. Okay, I'll bite: why not?
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@ShiitakeToast Ah, gotcha. Gotta be honest: I do not buy it. As a lifelong white person, I can tell you authoritatively that I don't wash my chest or back most times either, so it's misleading to focus on us wypipo not washing our legs.
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This morning I hope that as he's soaping his legs in the shower John Roberts encounters a couple painful places on his upper thigh and so he gets a mirror to look more closely and discovers that two of the sores left by the cilice he foolishly wore all day last Thursday have evolved into abscesses, and he also can see that on the skin above one of them is a red stripe running upward towards the lymph gland in his groin indicating that the infection has reached his lymphatic system, and so on this beautiful warm spring Saturday instead of going for a nice walk along the Tidal Basin to see if any cherry blossoms are left he has to go to an urgent care clinic and have the abscesses drained and be given strong antibiotics for what otherwise could become a life-threatening sepsis.
Today I hope John Roberts develops diarrhea from the antibiotics he was given yesterday for his infected upper-thigh abscesses, and then as he's sitting on the toilet for the fifth time he finds himself having uncharitable thoughts about his old friend Antonin Scalia for giving him that damned cilice and then he feels guilty and disloyal on top of, you know, having diarrhea.
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Today I hope John Roberts develops diarrhea from the antibiotics he was given yesterday for his infected upper-thigh abscesses, and then as he's sitting on the toilet for the fifth time he finds himself having uncharitable thoughts about his old friend Antonin Scalia for giving him that damned cilice and then he feels guilty and disloyal on top of, you know, having diarrhea.
This morning I hope John Roberts is sad. He has no idea why. Just: really sad.
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@monkeyninja Elk in D.C.? Hmmm. I gotta think this one through...
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This morning I hope John Roberts is sad. He has no idea why. Just: really sad.
This morning I hope John Roberts gets the disturbing news that one of his grandchildren is sick with food poisoning, I mean scary sick, and it makes him even sadder than he was yesterday but also makes him think twice as he heads into the oral arguments today of a case that asks the Court to rule that federal regulatory agencies like the FDA don't have the power to enforce their own rules.
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This morning I hope John Roberts gets the disturbing news that one of his grandchildren is sick with food poisoning, I mean scary sick, and it makes him even sadder than he was yesterday but also makes him think twice as he heads into the oral arguments today of a case that asks the Court to rule that federal regulatory agencies like the FDA don't have the power to enforce their own rules.
(P.S.: I also hope the grandchild gets better immediately after the conference where the justices cast their votes, and then is given delicious ice cream.)
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@ShiitakeToast I'll admit it's not always easy sticking to John Roberts as the target of my maledictions, because the other justices are so painfully bad. I guess I chose him because he's the most privileged white man I can think of, and he's doing every fucking thing in the most privileged white man way possible, and with his superb education and working class background he has no freaking excuse. Also, he's who pushed the idea of abusing the shadow docket, and he's who wrote the opinion holding the president above the law, so fuck that guy.
(I did have him leave a dildo in Clarence Thomas's inbox, however!)
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(P.S.: I also hope the grandchild gets better immediately after the conference where the justices cast their votes, and then is given delicious ice cream.)
I hope that this afternoon after lunch John Roberts gets sleepy and nods off at his desk and when he awakens he discovers that the fairies have caused him to grow a long beard and braided it densely with periwinkles.
(Edit: add illustrative photo.)
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I hope that this afternoon after lunch John Roberts gets sleepy and nods off at his desk and when he awakens he discovers that the fairies have caused him to grow a long beard and braided it densely with periwinkles.
(Edit: add illustrative photo.)
I hope that this morning when John Roberts wakes up the fairy beard has grown back.
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I hope that this morning when John Roberts wakes up the fairy beard has grown back.
I hope John Roberts' pleasure today in his former law clerk William Baude's hagiographic drivel in today's NY Times is undercut by the memory that even back then Baude was a smarmy, asskissing toady that no one liked, not even Roberts. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/24/opinion/shadow-docket-supreme-court-john-roberts.html
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I hope John Roberts' pleasure today in his former law clerk William Baude's hagiographic drivel in today's NY Times is undercut by the memory that even back then Baude was a smarmy, asskissing toady that no one liked, not even Roberts. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/24/opinion/shadow-docket-supreme-court-john-roberts.html
Today I hope John Roberts decides to clean out his nightstand drawer and notices that the small bottle of lube he and his wife use every time they make love has a 2021 expiration date, and it's still 2/3 full, and it wasn't a very big bottle to start with.
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@adhdeanasl
Maybe he'll discover that one in her purse later. And it'll have a kinky name.(And although it will vaguely upset him, he still won't allow himself to quite figure out what it means; see also 2/15 and 3/29.)
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@jeffron Only Mother opens HER nightstand drawer. God help him if he ever sees what's in that one!
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Today I hope John Roberts decides to clean out his nightstand drawer and notices that the small bottle of lube he and his wife use every time they make love has a 2021 expiration date, and it's still 2/3 full, and it wasn't a very big bottle to start with.
This morning as he's leaving the shower I hope John Roberts isn't paying attention where he's walking because he's engrossed in a Rambo daydream fantasy about bravely saving everyone from a crazed assassin at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and he accidentally steps barefoot on a Lego left on the floor by one of his visiting grandchildren and with the sudden surprising pain his emotions well up unexpectedly and he finds himself lying naked on the wet linoleum floor holding his hurt foot and sobbing because he hates and misses his daddy so, so much.
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@JohanDiederik Every parent does.
