I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
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When he woke up today #IHopeJohnRoberts had really icky sticky smelly morning mouth and so brushed his teeth extra vigorously with extra toothpaste and then went downstairs to the kitchen and forgot and took a big swig of grapefruit juice.
This morning I hope John Roberts goes to his dresser and doesn't have any clean socks and realizes the dirty laundry hamper is overflowing but doesn't consciously notice that it's all his clothes not hers and he calls to his wife but she doesn't answer and he goes downstairs but she's not there and the guest bed hasn't been slept in and he realizes he hasn't seen her for a while and briefly wonders whether she's gone to visit her sister or ??? and then he puts on yesterday's socks again and goes to work a little disturbed but still not quite realizing. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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This morning I hope John Roberts goes to his dresser and doesn't have any clean socks and realizes the dirty laundry hamper is overflowing but doesn't consciously notice that it's all his clothes not hers and he calls to his wife but she doesn't answer and he goes downstairs but she's not there and the guest bed hasn't been slept in and he realizes he hasn't seen her for a while and briefly wonders whether she's gone to visit her sister or ??? and then he puts on yesterday's socks again and goes to work a little disturbed but still not quite realizing. #IHopeJohnRoberts
I hope last night John Roberts slept fitfully because his wife still isn't home and today he gets up thinking he'll do a little work on the lawn and garden on a pleasant Saturday morning but when he goes out to the garage even the gardening tools are missing and he's starting to wonder if she's just helping someone do yardwork or if something more serious is happening in their marriage. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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I hope last night John Roberts slept fitfully because his wife still isn't home and today he gets up thinking he'll do a little work on the lawn and garden on a pleasant Saturday morning but when he goes out to the garage even the gardening tools are missing and he's starting to wonder if she's just helping someone do yardwork or if something more serious is happening in their marriage. #IHopeJohnRoberts
Today because his wife's away somewhere (where?) #IHopeJohnRoberts thinks it would be swell to do the D.C. Signature Brew Tour but then he remembers that picture someone took of him when he accidentally drank a roofied cocktail at a DC power party, and then that he was arrested for drunk driving after the debacle with Grok, and realizes that if he ever drinks in public again he will be mocked and reviled publicly even more than he is now, so instead he just pours himself a glass of grapefruit juice, forgetting again that he had just brushed his teeth.
https://washington.org/event/dc-signature-brew-tour -
Today because his wife's away somewhere (where?) #IHopeJohnRoberts thinks it would be swell to do the D.C. Signature Brew Tour but then he remembers that picture someone took of him when he accidentally drank a roofied cocktail at a DC power party, and then that he was arrested for drunk driving after the debacle with Grok, and realizes that if he ever drinks in public again he will be mocked and reviled publicly even more than he is now, so instead he just pours himself a glass of grapefruit juice, forgetting again that he had just brushed his teeth.
https://washington.org/event/dc-signature-brew-tourThis morning I'm hoping that John Roberts walks out his front door looking up at the beautiful scattered clouds blue sky and steps squarely on a dead rat that inexplicably was lying in the center of his doormat. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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This morning I'm hoping that John Roberts walks out his front door looking up at the beautiful scattered clouds blue sky and steps squarely on a dead rat that inexplicably was lying in the center of his doormat. #IHopeJohnRoberts
This morning I hope there was another big dead rat right in the center of John Roberts' front doormat. Second day in a row. Weird. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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@FiddleSix @ELS I wonder what's up, myself. It's a mystery to us all! I guess we'll have to wait till tomorrow for the next installment!
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@FiddleSix @ELS I wonder what's up, myself. It's a mystery to us all! I guess we'll have to wait till tomorrow for the next installment!
@FiddleSix @ELS (Also, because ofc absolutely none of these John Roberts curses/stories are inspired by my own personal experience, this subplot definitely has nothing at all to do with our cat Tuxie leaving us a present yesterday. Nope.)
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@YakyuNightOwl If you have the stomach for it, check out the photos under yesterday's post.
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This morning I hope there was another big dead rat right in the center of John Roberts' front doormat. Second day in a row. Weird. #IHopeJohnRoberts
Honestly #IHopeJohnRoberts doesn't actually step on the dead rat that appears on his doormat this morning for the third day in a row, which is moving beyond "neighborhood cat feeling its oats" territory into something possibly darker and makes him nervous enough to mention it to the young U.S. Marshal who drives him to and from work ever since his license was suspended that one night he drunk drove, and the marshal notifies his superiors, who hold a security meeting where the Chief Justice has to try to explain why he hasn't told them that his wife has been missing for days as well, and the marshals notify the FBI and send someone to pull two of the rats out of his trash for forensic analysis (the first one already is in a landfill), and then the FBI wants to interview him about his wife even though he has no answers, and it's all just embarrassing and surreal enough that, yeah, having him also step on the rat (possibly in his slippers?) just seems too cruel to hope for, even to him.
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Honestly #IHopeJohnRoberts doesn't actually step on the dead rat that appears on his doormat this morning for the third day in a row, which is moving beyond "neighborhood cat feeling its oats" territory into something possibly darker and makes him nervous enough to mention it to the young U.S. Marshal who drives him to and from work ever since his license was suspended that one night he drunk drove, and the marshal notifies his superiors, who hold a security meeting where the Chief Justice has to try to explain why he hasn't told them that his wife has been missing for days as well, and the marshals notify the FBI and send someone to pull two of the rats out of his trash for forensic analysis (the first one already is in a landfill), and then the FBI wants to interview him about his wife even though he has no answers, and it's all just embarrassing and surreal enough that, yeah, having him also step on the rat (possibly in his slippers?) just seems too cruel to hope for, even to him.
HOLY CR*P THERE'S ANOTHER RAT ON JOHN ROBERTS' DOORMAT THIS MORNING!!! #IHopeJohnRoberts #MoreBulletinsAsEventsWarrant #WatchThisSpace #MicroFiction 🧵
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HOLY CR*P THERE'S ANOTHER RAT ON JOHN ROBERTS' DOORMAT THIS MORNING!!! #IHopeJohnRoberts #MoreBulletinsAsEventsWarrant #WatchThisSpace #MicroFiction 🧵
Okay so this morning #IHopeJohnRoberts did not find another rat on his front doormat, but that isn't exactly a relief to him because the US Marshals Service parked an obviously governmental gray four-door sedan across the street to keep an eye on things last night, so if a person has been putting the rats there they probably would have stayed away, and even worse the initial forensic analysis on two of the earlier rats came back and no they were not killed by a cat (which he was really hoping) but rather they were crushed and asphyxiated, with nearly all their bones broken, which... ??? so yeah, John is having a weird day, and also his wife is not responding to either his or the FBI's efforts to contact her.
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Okay so this morning #IHopeJohnRoberts did not find another rat on his front doormat, but that isn't exactly a relief to him because the US Marshals Service parked an obviously governmental gray four-door sedan across the street to keep an eye on things last night, so if a person has been putting the rats there they probably would have stayed away, and even worse the initial forensic analysis on two of the earlier rats came back and no they were not killed by a cat (which he was really hoping) but rather they were crushed and asphyxiated, with nearly all their bones broken, which... ??? so yeah, John is having a weird day, and also his wife is not responding to either his or the FBI's efforts to contact her.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts finally gets a message from his wife reassuring him that she's safe, she's fine, he can call off the FBI, she just needed some time to think and has been doing so in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and he's unsure whether that makes him less worried or more, and also it doesn't explain why all her things are gone.
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@Dougfir (They actually exist, and can be extremely helpful for aging women, and yes they actually do digital... things... inside, so must be extremely professional.)
(Note that I did not indicate the physiotherapist's gender.)
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts finally gets a message from his wife reassuring him that she's safe, she's fine, he can call off the FBI, she just needed some time to think and has been doing so in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and he's unsure whether that makes him less worried or more, and also it doesn't explain why all her things are gone.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts can't stop thinking about the message he got from his wife yesterday.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts can't stop thinking about the message he got from his wife yesterday.
Today I hope the FBI gets back to John Roberts with the complete forensic results on the rats he's been finding on his front doormat, which can be summarized as follows: (1) yes, they all were crushed/asphyxiated to death, almost certainly by a boa or python, and (2) they are not commercially bred "feeders" of the kind sold in pet stores, but rather wild Norwegian rats of the kind found on wharves and in alleys, and so Roberts spends the day distracted by the knowledge that although snakes crushing wild rats may be common in tropical regions where they have those kinds of snakes, and snakes crushing feeder rats may be common among pet snake owners in cooler regions of North America, snakes crushing wild rats and then depositing their uneaten carcasses every day on someone's doormat in Chevy Chase, Maryland (where he lives) most definitely is *not* common and in fact is freaky a.f., an assessment very loudly and forcefully shared by the U.S. Marshals in charge of Supreme Court security, and he would like to discuss all this with his wife but as far as he can tell she's still in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist and not answering texts. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I hope the FBI gets back to John Roberts with the complete forensic results on the rats he's been finding on his front doormat, which can be summarized as follows: (1) yes, they all were crushed/asphyxiated to death, almost certainly by a boa or python, and (2) they are not commercially bred "feeders" of the kind sold in pet stores, but rather wild Norwegian rats of the kind found on wharves and in alleys, and so Roberts spends the day distracted by the knowledge that although snakes crushing wild rats may be common in tropical regions where they have those kinds of snakes, and snakes crushing feeder rats may be common among pet snake owners in cooler regions of North America, snakes crushing wild rats and then depositing their uneaten carcasses every day on someone's doormat in Chevy Chase, Maryland (where he lives) most definitely is *not* common and in fact is freaky a.f., an assessment very loudly and forcefully shared by the U.S. Marshals in charge of Supreme Court security, and he would like to discuss all this with his wife but as far as he can tell she's still in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist and not answering texts. #IHopeJohnRoberts
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts does something he ordinarily would never do, which is let himself into his wife's private office in the back of their home to see if he can gain any insight into why she has been so distant lately and seemingly has fled to Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and as he shuffles guiltily through her papers and emails feeling like a kid rifling through his mother's purse (which absolutely was verboten in his childhood) he can't find anything about her supposed medical condition but he does find receipts for donations to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Leadership Center, and some sort of Democratic Socialists organization, as well as several articles on ways to mitigate the effects of aging on male sexual health.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts does something he ordinarily would never do, which is let himself into his wife's private office in the back of their home to see if he can gain any insight into why she has been so distant lately and seemingly has fled to Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and as he shuffles guiltily through her papers and emails feeling like a kid rifling through his mother's purse (which absolutely was verboten in his childhood) he can't find anything about her supposed medical condition but he does find receipts for donations to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Leadership Center, and some sort of Democratic Socialists organization, as well as several articles on ways to mitigate the effects of aging on male sexual health.
Today I hope Clarence Thomas, as the most senior serving Supreme Court Justice, approaches John Roberts privately to say that the other members of the Court are concerned about his recent personal challenges and what appears to be his distractibility and lack of focus, and while Thomas approaches it with what for him is unusual solicitude and from a stance of offering concern and support, it's still embarrassing as fuck and John honestly doesn't know what to say in response except that he'll try to do better, and then he locks himself in his chambers and cries a little as he wonders whether he should resign and then realizes that despite his apparent obeisance he actually doesn't want Trump to appoint his successor and so largely through his own fault he has to remain in a job that now brings him more pain than joy. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I hope Clarence Thomas, as the most senior serving Supreme Court Justice, approaches John Roberts privately to say that the other members of the Court are concerned about his recent personal challenges and what appears to be his distractibility and lack of focus, and while Thomas approaches it with what for him is unusual solicitude and from a stance of offering concern and support, it's still embarrassing as fuck and John honestly doesn't know what to say in response except that he'll try to do better, and then he locks himself in his chambers and cries a little as he wonders whether he should resign and then realizes that despite his apparent obeisance he actually doesn't want Trump to appoint his successor and so largely through his own fault he has to remain in a job that now brings him more pain than joy. #IHopeJohnRoberts
This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts completely blanked on how many grams of coffee he's supposed to put in the coffee maker per cup, so he guesstimated and made it so strong that all day he has the jitters and it certainly isn't helping his anxiety.
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This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts completely blanked on how many grams of coffee he's supposed to put in the coffee maker per cup, so he guesstimated and made it so strong that all day he has the jitters and it certainly isn't helping his anxiety.
Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts unexpectedly developed diarrhea in the middle of the night and although he made it to the toilet in time, he couldn't figure out how to open those goddamn childproof Imodium caplets packages and so couldn't take any medicine and basically sat on the can for the next five hours until dehydration finally slowed things down, and now he's having the sort of day you would expect him to have after a night like that.
