I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
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@YakyuNightOwl If you have the stomach for it, check out the photos under yesterday's post.
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This morning I hope there was another big dead rat right in the center of John Roberts' front doormat. Second day in a row. Weird. #IHopeJohnRoberts
Honestly #IHopeJohnRoberts doesn't actually step on the dead rat that appears on his doormat this morning for the third day in a row, which is moving beyond "neighborhood cat feeling its oats" territory into something possibly darker and makes him nervous enough to mention it to the young U.S. Marshal who drives him to and from work ever since his license was suspended that one night he drunk drove, and the marshal notifies his superiors, who hold a security meeting where the Chief Justice has to try to explain why he hasn't told them that his wife has been missing for days as well, and the marshals notify the FBI and send someone to pull two of the rats out of his trash for forensic analysis (the first one already is in a landfill), and then the FBI wants to interview him about his wife even though he has no answers, and it's all just embarrassing and surreal enough that, yeah, having him also step on the rat (possibly in his slippers?) just seems too cruel to hope for, even to him.
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Honestly #IHopeJohnRoberts doesn't actually step on the dead rat that appears on his doormat this morning for the third day in a row, which is moving beyond "neighborhood cat feeling its oats" territory into something possibly darker and makes him nervous enough to mention it to the young U.S. Marshal who drives him to and from work ever since his license was suspended that one night he drunk drove, and the marshal notifies his superiors, who hold a security meeting where the Chief Justice has to try to explain why he hasn't told them that his wife has been missing for days as well, and the marshals notify the FBI and send someone to pull two of the rats out of his trash for forensic analysis (the first one already is in a landfill), and then the FBI wants to interview him about his wife even though he has no answers, and it's all just embarrassing and surreal enough that, yeah, having him also step on the rat (possibly in his slippers?) just seems too cruel to hope for, even to him.
HOLY CR*P THERE'S ANOTHER RAT ON JOHN ROBERTS' DOORMAT THIS MORNING!!! #IHopeJohnRoberts #MoreBulletinsAsEventsWarrant #WatchThisSpace #MicroFiction 🧵
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HOLY CR*P THERE'S ANOTHER RAT ON JOHN ROBERTS' DOORMAT THIS MORNING!!! #IHopeJohnRoberts #MoreBulletinsAsEventsWarrant #WatchThisSpace #MicroFiction 🧵
Okay so this morning #IHopeJohnRoberts did not find another rat on his front doormat, but that isn't exactly a relief to him because the US Marshals Service parked an obviously governmental gray four-door sedan across the street to keep an eye on things last night, so if a person has been putting the rats there they probably would have stayed away, and even worse the initial forensic analysis on two of the earlier rats came back and no they were not killed by a cat (which he was really hoping) but rather they were crushed and asphyxiated, with nearly all their bones broken, which... ??? so yeah, John is having a weird day, and also his wife is not responding to either his or the FBI's efforts to contact her.
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Okay so this morning #IHopeJohnRoberts did not find another rat on his front doormat, but that isn't exactly a relief to him because the US Marshals Service parked an obviously governmental gray four-door sedan across the street to keep an eye on things last night, so if a person has been putting the rats there they probably would have stayed away, and even worse the initial forensic analysis on two of the earlier rats came back and no they were not killed by a cat (which he was really hoping) but rather they were crushed and asphyxiated, with nearly all their bones broken, which... ??? so yeah, John is having a weird day, and also his wife is not responding to either his or the FBI's efforts to contact her.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts finally gets a message from his wife reassuring him that she's safe, she's fine, he can call off the FBI, she just needed some time to think and has been doing so in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and he's unsure whether that makes him less worried or more, and also it doesn't explain why all her things are gone.
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@Dougfir (They actually exist, and can be extremely helpful for aging women, and yes they actually do digital... things... inside, so must be extremely professional.)
(Note that I did not indicate the physiotherapist's gender.)
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts finally gets a message from his wife reassuring him that she's safe, she's fine, he can call off the FBI, she just needed some time to think and has been doing so in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and he's unsure whether that makes him less worried or more, and also it doesn't explain why all her things are gone.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts can't stop thinking about the message he got from his wife yesterday.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts can't stop thinking about the message he got from his wife yesterday.
Today I hope the FBI gets back to John Roberts with the complete forensic results on the rats he's been finding on his front doormat, which can be summarized as follows: (1) yes, they all were crushed/asphyxiated to death, almost certainly by a boa or python, and (2) they are not commercially bred "feeders" of the kind sold in pet stores, but rather wild Norwegian rats of the kind found on wharves and in alleys, and so Roberts spends the day distracted by the knowledge that although snakes crushing wild rats may be common in tropical regions where they have those kinds of snakes, and snakes crushing feeder rats may be common among pet snake owners in cooler regions of North America, snakes crushing wild rats and then depositing their uneaten carcasses every day on someone's doormat in Chevy Chase, Maryland (where he lives) most definitely is *not* common and in fact is freaky a.f., an assessment very loudly and forcefully shared by the U.S. Marshals in charge of Supreme Court security, and he would like to discuss all this with his wife but as far as he can tell she's still in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist and not answering texts. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I hope the FBI gets back to John Roberts with the complete forensic results on the rats he's been finding on his front doormat, which can be summarized as follows: (1) yes, they all were crushed/asphyxiated to death, almost certainly by a boa or python, and (2) they are not commercially bred "feeders" of the kind sold in pet stores, but rather wild Norwegian rats of the kind found on wharves and in alleys, and so Roberts spends the day distracted by the knowledge that although snakes crushing wild rats may be common in tropical regions where they have those kinds of snakes, and snakes crushing feeder rats may be common among pet snake owners in cooler regions of North America, snakes crushing wild rats and then depositing their uneaten carcasses every day on someone's doormat in Chevy Chase, Maryland (where he lives) most definitely is *not* common and in fact is freaky a.f., an assessment very loudly and forcefully shared by the U.S. Marshals in charge of Supreme Court security, and he would like to discuss all this with his wife but as far as he can tell she's still in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist and not answering texts. #IHopeJohnRoberts
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts does something he ordinarily would never do, which is let himself into his wife's private office in the back of their home to see if he can gain any insight into why she has been so distant lately and seemingly has fled to Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and as he shuffles guiltily through her papers and emails feeling like a kid rifling through his mother's purse (which absolutely was verboten in his childhood) he can't find anything about her supposed medical condition but he does find receipts for donations to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Leadership Center, and some sort of Democratic Socialists organization, as well as several articles on ways to mitigate the effects of aging on male sexual health.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts does something he ordinarily would never do, which is let himself into his wife's private office in the back of their home to see if he can gain any insight into why she has been so distant lately and seemingly has fled to Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and as he shuffles guiltily through her papers and emails feeling like a kid rifling through his mother's purse (which absolutely was verboten in his childhood) he can't find anything about her supposed medical condition but he does find receipts for donations to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Leadership Center, and some sort of Democratic Socialists organization, as well as several articles on ways to mitigate the effects of aging on male sexual health.
Today I hope Clarence Thomas, as the most senior serving Supreme Court Justice, approaches John Roberts privately to say that the other members of the Court are concerned about his recent personal challenges and what appears to be his distractibility and lack of focus, and while Thomas approaches it with what for him is unusual solicitude and from a stance of offering concern and support, it's still embarrassing as fuck and John honestly doesn't know what to say in response except that he'll try to do better, and then he locks himself in his chambers and cries a little as he wonders whether he should resign and then realizes that despite his apparent obeisance he actually doesn't want Trump to appoint his successor and so largely through his own fault he has to remain in a job that now brings him more pain than joy. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I hope Clarence Thomas, as the most senior serving Supreme Court Justice, approaches John Roberts privately to say that the other members of the Court are concerned about his recent personal challenges and what appears to be his distractibility and lack of focus, and while Thomas approaches it with what for him is unusual solicitude and from a stance of offering concern and support, it's still embarrassing as fuck and John honestly doesn't know what to say in response except that he'll try to do better, and then he locks himself in his chambers and cries a little as he wonders whether he should resign and then realizes that despite his apparent obeisance he actually doesn't want Trump to appoint his successor and so largely through his own fault he has to remain in a job that now brings him more pain than joy. #IHopeJohnRoberts
This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts completely blanked on how many grams of coffee he's supposed to put in the coffee maker per cup, so he guesstimated and made it so strong that all day he has the jitters and it certainly isn't helping his anxiety.
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This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts completely blanked on how many grams of coffee he's supposed to put in the coffee maker per cup, so he guesstimated and made it so strong that all day he has the jitters and it certainly isn't helping his anxiety.
Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts unexpectedly developed diarrhea in the middle of the night and although he made it to the toilet in time, he couldn't figure out how to open those goddamn childproof Imodium caplets packages and so couldn't take any medicine and basically sat on the can for the next five hours until dehydration finally slowed things down, and now he's having the sort of day you would expect him to have after a night like that.
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Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts unexpectedly developed diarrhea in the middle of the night and although he made it to the toilet in time, he couldn't figure out how to open those goddamn childproof Imodium caplets packages and so couldn't take any medicine and basically sat on the can for the next five hours until dehydration finally slowed things down, and now he's having the sort of day you would expect him to have after a night like that.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts gets a surprise visit from two of his adult children but they haven't come over to talk but rather to pick up some things his wife would like sent to her, and they won't tell him where she is or what she's doing because she's asked them not to, and when he asks tearfully what he has done to drive his family away one of his kids looks him right in the eye and says, "Dad, have you read your own decisions lately? Don't you realize what you are doing to people?" and then with a small box of his wife's things they drive away, leaving him in the giant house alone.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts gets a surprise visit from two of his adult children but they haven't come over to talk but rather to pick up some things his wife would like sent to her, and they won't tell him where she is or what she's doing because she's asked them not to, and when he asks tearfully what he has done to drive his family away one of his kids looks him right in the eye and says, "Dad, have you read your own decisions lately? Don't you realize what you are doing to people?" and then with a small box of his wife's things they drive away, leaving him in the giant house alone.
Today I wish John Roberts goes to church and enters the confessional and confesses a couple of venial little sins including gluttony from when he took a second donut from the pink cardboard box someone left in the Supreme Court break room but the priest peers at him through the screen and asks, "really, my son? That's all? You don't think murdering democracy is a larger sin than that?" and instructs him to say 100,000 Our Fathers before he's allowed to take communion again. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I wish John Roberts goes to church and enters the confessional and confesses a couple of venial little sins including gluttony from when he took a second donut from the pink cardboard box someone left in the Supreme Court break room but the priest peers at him through the screen and asks, "really, my son? That's all? You don't think murdering democracy is a larger sin than that?" and instructs him to say 100,000 Our Fathers before he's allowed to take communion again. #IHopeJohnRoberts
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts keeps saying Our Fathers (see above) as he showers and shaves and drinks coffee and is at something like 482 when he gets distracted by an incoming text and loses count and has to start over, and also that text wasn't from his runaway wife as he hoped (see a little farther above) but just spam from a nutraceuticals company.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts keeps saying Our Fathers (see above) as he showers and shaves and drinks coffee and is at something like 482 when he gets distracted by an incoming text and loses count and has to start over, and also that text wasn't from his runaway wife as he hoped (see a little farther above) but just spam from a nutraceuticals company.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts Is thinking a lot about how long his wife has been away incommunicado and even though it's only been, what, just a little over two weeks?, it still seems like forever, and it's making him start to reconsider, just a little, just a tiny little bit, what the word "prolonged" means from the perspective of the person who's experiencing it.
https://www.politico.com/news/2026/06/15/supreme-court-ice-detention-case-00962228 -
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts Is thinking a lot about how long his wife has been away incommunicado and even though it's only been, what, just a little over two weeks?, it still seems like forever, and it's making him start to reconsider, just a little, just a tiny little bit, what the word "prolonged" means from the perspective of the person who's experiencing it.
https://www.politico.com/news/2026/06/15/supreme-court-ice-detention-case-00962228I hope that today John Roberts thinks about the fact that the Court still has twenty more decisions to release before its term ends at the end of June, and not only the workload but also the emotional tension of walking his tightrope (making Trump king while still appearing to be a principled jurist) has him feeling simply exhausted, plus Clarence Thomas (worried about Roberts being lonely and depressed now that his wife, children, and priest all have come to hate him for what's he's doing to democracy) has invited him to join his and Ginny's planned RV trip through Scranton and Peoria all the way to Lincoln, Neb., and there are not enough fzcking spoons in the fzcking universe to do a road trip with the fzcking Thomases no matter how tricked out their RV is. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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I hope that today John Roberts thinks about the fact that the Court still has twenty more decisions to release before its term ends at the end of June, and not only the workload but also the emotional tension of walking his tightrope (making Trump king while still appearing to be a principled jurist) has him feeling simply exhausted, plus Clarence Thomas (worried about Roberts being lonely and depressed now that his wife, children, and priest all have come to hate him for what's he's doing to democracy) has invited him to join his and Ginny's planned RV trip through Scranton and Peoria all the way to Lincoln, Neb., and there are not enough fzcking spoons in the fzcking universe to do a road trip with the fzcking Thomases no matter how tricked out their RV is. #IHopeJohnRoberts
I like to think that for years US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts periodically has fantastized that he was just an anonymous person who could wander out on the National Mall on a nice warm day without anyone recognizing him and maybe, when the park service isn't looking too closely, remove his shoes and just dangle his feet in the cool water of the reflecting pool, and today #IHopeJohnRoberts has that thought again but then realizes that even if he were a nobody he still couldn't do it because of the algae, and for a very, very brief moment that actually makes him feel a little better about things, and then he goes back to feeling bad.
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@dancingtreefrog Pretty sure that's RFK Jr., actually.
