Folks it's the end of the year and that means it's time to look back at the movies we've watched on #Monsterdon this year.
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Buhhhhh 30! We're on 30. Which is VAMPIRE CIRCUS (1972)! Which features vampires, more vampires, and some cat vampires! And some of the most truly gullible peasants known to man.
Also, as you might expect of a Hammer Horror flick, it also features a lot of bare boobs and buttcracks. But honestly, once you get past the weird dance numbers and the strangely passionless implied sex, there's... Not a whole lot to this film. Vampires come to a quarantined town, put on a show, then die. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thirty one is... Oh geez, THE RAVEN (1963). Like I said during this film, only Roger Fucking Corman could adapt one of the Goth-iest poems known to man, with three of the Goth-iest actors alive at the time, and somehow come out the other end with a fucking BUDDY COMEDY PICTURE. I genuinely believe that if Corman had sat down to make the worst film he could, he'd come out the other end with Schindler's List.
Anyway, the thing about The Raven is that bad movies that try to be funny are a hundred times worse than bad movies that try to be serious. Contact embarrassment is like salt on the bad movie wound, it just makes everything so much worse.
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Thirty one is... Oh geez, THE RAVEN (1963). Like I said during this film, only Roger Fucking Corman could adapt one of the Goth-iest poems known to man, with three of the Goth-iest actors alive at the time, and somehow come out the other end with a fucking BUDDY COMEDY PICTURE. I genuinely believe that if Corman had sat down to make the worst film he could, he'd come out the other end with Schindler's List.
Anyway, the thing about The Raven is that bad movies that try to be funny are a hundred times worse than bad movies that try to be serious. Contact embarrassment is like salt on the bad movie wound, it just makes everything so much worse.
Ooo 32, which is... GODZILLA, MOTHRA, AND KING GHIDORA: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK (2001). Oof.
Okay, bit of a personal note. I fucking hate this movie.
So in the original Godzilla flick, Godzilla is a metaphor for the nuclear attacks on Japan. And he eventually gets defeated when a pacifistic Japanese scientist develops a NEW superweapon on par with nukes. But the scientist takes the secret of that weapon to his grave rather than allow the military to have it, sacrificing his own life to protect not just the lives of people in Japan, but the lives of people in other countries which the Japanese military would threaten with this new weapon.
GMaKG:GMAOT (*deep breath*) REPEATEDLY says how it was THE MILITARY that saved the day and the main dude goes ON AND ON about the HONOR and DUTY of the military and how THEY will protect everyone like they did BEFORE (which they didn't!)! And the film ends with him going, "Let's all thank the military for saving us all again!"
Fuck that.
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Ooo 32, which is... GODZILLA, MOTHRA, AND KING GHIDORA: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK (2001). Oof.
Okay, bit of a personal note. I fucking hate this movie.
So in the original Godzilla flick, Godzilla is a metaphor for the nuclear attacks on Japan. And he eventually gets defeated when a pacifistic Japanese scientist develops a NEW superweapon on par with nukes. But the scientist takes the secret of that weapon to his grave rather than allow the military to have it, sacrificing his own life to protect not just the lives of people in Japan, but the lives of people in other countries which the Japanese military would threaten with this new weapon.
GMaKG:GMAOT (*deep breath*) REPEATEDLY says how it was THE MILITARY that saved the day and the main dude goes ON AND ON about the HONOR and DUTY of the military and how THEY will protect everyone like they did BEFORE (which they didn't!)! And the film ends with him going, "Let's all thank the military for saving us all again!"
Fuck that.
Anyway, 33. LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960). A flower shop assistant discovers a new kind of plant that feeds on human flesh. And promises him fame and fortune if he keeps feeding it.
This is one of those movies where you can tell there's a grain of a good story in there somewhere, it's just encumbered under a low budget, iffy casting, and crappy management. It's really neat to see where the later, better adaptations got started, but other than that, it's kind of hard to watch. The main guy's no Rick Moranis, that's for sure.
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Anyway, 33. LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960). A flower shop assistant discovers a new kind of plant that feeds on human flesh. And promises him fame and fortune if he keeps feeding it.
This is one of those movies where you can tell there's a grain of a good story in there somewhere, it's just encumbered under a low budget, iffy casting, and crappy management. It's really neat to see where the later, better adaptations got started, but other than that, it's kind of hard to watch. The main guy's no Rick Moranis, that's for sure.
Thirty-four, GRIZZLY (1976)! Woof, we're back in Jaws purgatory. A hungry Grizzly bear prowls the woods eating people.
Aside from some *absolutely hilarious* special effects -- the final Grizzly Nuke will linger in memory for quite some time -- Grizzly (1976) is mostly notable for having no complete plot threads. It hints and things to come, and then just... Ends. Immediately. As soon as the Grizzly is dead. No resolution, just cut to credits. Which begs the question, if the director didn't care enough about the story to actually finish filming it, why did he think anyone else would?
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Thirty-four, GRIZZLY (1976)! Woof, we're back in Jaws purgatory. A hungry Grizzly bear prowls the woods eating people.
Aside from some *absolutely hilarious* special effects -- the final Grizzly Nuke will linger in memory for quite some time -- Grizzly (1976) is mostly notable for having no complete plot threads. It hints and things to come, and then just... Ends. Immediately. As soon as the Grizzly is dead. No resolution, just cut to credits. Which begs the question, if the director didn't care enough about the story to actually finish filming it, why did he think anyone else would?
35, SWAMP THING (1982)! A botanist discovers a chemical formula that boosts plant growth! Then he gets doused in it, jumps in a swamp, and becomes a Thing!
Some great special effects and decently competent acting, my main issue with the film is it couldn't decide if its female protagonist was a femme fatale or a damsel in distress. Big shoutout to the final Furry Vs. Fern-y battle, though, more swamp creatures should have broadswords.
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35, SWAMP THING (1982)! A botanist discovers a chemical formula that boosts plant growth! Then he gets doused in it, jumps in a swamp, and becomes a Thing!
Some great special effects and decently competent acting, my main issue with the film is it couldn't decide if its female protagonist was a femme fatale or a damsel in distress. Big shoutout to the final Furry Vs. Fern-y battle, though, more swamp creatures should have broadswords.
Number 36, THE MAN FROM PLANET X (1951), in which yet another spaceship lands in the Scottish moorlands and has to face up to the fact that there's nothing there really worth conquering.
Another kind of bland nothing of a film, in my book The Man from Planet X would be a great PROLOGUE to an actually interesting film in which Earth is struggling to accept alien refugees. But I guess nobody in the 50's wanted to talk about that when they could have laser battles instead.
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Number 36, THE MAN FROM PLANET X (1951), in which yet another spaceship lands in the Scottish moorlands and has to face up to the fact that there's nothing there really worth conquering.
Another kind of bland nothing of a film, in my book The Man from Planet X would be a great PROLOGUE to an actually interesting film in which Earth is struggling to accept alien refugees. But I guess nobody in the 50's wanted to talk about that when they could have laser battles instead.
37, CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)! A classic of the "White People Fuck Around And Find Out" genre! The fishman gets all my sympathy here -- he's floating around happy as a clam, some goddamn ichthyologists drive up in a boat and start harrassing him, he fights back and they club him with a rock! Justice for fishman! JUSTICE!
Anyway the sequel is much, much worse and this one gets a huge number of points for having an awesome fishman costume.
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37, CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)! A classic of the "White People Fuck Around And Find Out" genre! The fishman gets all my sympathy here -- he's floating around happy as a clam, some goddamn ichthyologists drive up in a boat and start harrassing him, he fights back and they club him with a rock! Justice for fishman! JUSTICE!
Anyway the sequel is much, much worse and this one gets a huge number of points for having an awesome fishman costume.
38, THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1959), in which the first exploration of Mars turns up an alien civilization and giant amoebas.
Honestly, if it weren't for the *absolutely eye-searing* red-light filter making most of the film borderline unwatchable, I'd be over the moon about this flick. It's less racist than you'd expect for a film from the 50's, the female scientist saves the day, and the pork pie-headed shoot-em-all dude gets slurped by a giant amoeba shortly after sexually harassing his gun -- all good news!
Still. That filter. Eeesh.
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38, THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1959), in which the first exploration of Mars turns up an alien civilization and giant amoebas.
Honestly, if it weren't for the *absolutely eye-searing* red-light filter making most of the film borderline unwatchable, I'd be over the moon about this flick. It's less racist than you'd expect for a film from the 50's, the female scientist saves the day, and the pork pie-headed shoot-em-all dude gets slurped by a giant amoeba shortly after sexually harassing his gun -- all good news!
Still. That filter. Eeesh.
Bup bup, we're on what, 39 now? That'd be THE FOOD OF THE GODS (1976). Marjoe Gortner goes to a little Canadian island and discovers some backwoods folk have a spring that bubbles up not boiling crude, but a substance that makes anything that eats it grow to huge sizes.
The best thing about this film is the picturesque Canadian wilderness. The worst thing about it is... Eh, everything else. The cast is annoying, the writing sucks, and Burt I. Gordon's forced perspective tricks had gotten played out ten years before this film released. Shoutout for being one of the few #Monsterdon films with an actual denouement, tho.
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Bup bup, we're on what, 39 now? That'd be THE FOOD OF THE GODS (1976). Marjoe Gortner goes to a little Canadian island and discovers some backwoods folk have a spring that bubbles up not boiling crude, but a substance that makes anything that eats it grow to huge sizes.
The best thing about this film is the picturesque Canadian wilderness. The worst thing about it is... Eh, everything else. The cast is annoying, the writing sucks, and Burt I. Gordon's forced perspective tricks had gotten played out ten years before this film released. Shoutout for being one of the few #Monsterdon films with an actual denouement, tho.
Number 40, almost done now! FRIGHT NIGHT (1985) is next, an '80s vampire movie about a kid who believes his next door neighbor is a vampire!
Really the weirdest thing about this film is how different the first hour is from the last half hour. They literally spent all their money on the climax of the film, to the point where they couldn't afford to show the kid's car being wrecked by the vampire, they just TELL you it happened! And to be fair, the climax is VERY VERY GOOD! Zombie collapse particle effects! Giant bat puppets! Practical effects that SING AND DANCE, it's great! But wading through that hour of brown paper bag really is a trial.
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Number 40, almost done now! FRIGHT NIGHT (1985) is next, an '80s vampire movie about a kid who believes his next door neighbor is a vampire!
Really the weirdest thing about this film is how different the first hour is from the last half hour. They literally spent all their money on the climax of the film, to the point where they couldn't afford to show the kid's car being wrecked by the vampire, they just TELL you it happened! And to be fair, the climax is VERY VERY GOOD! Zombie collapse particle effects! Giant bat puppets! Practical effects that SING AND DANCE, it's great! But wading through that hour of brown paper bag really is a trial.
Oh yeah, we did Vampires in October, didn't we? #41 is THE HUNGER (1983), a genuinely well-made movie! A thousand-year-old vampire who keeps her boyfriend thralls in the attic to power her immortality has a lesbian relationship, and it kinda blows up in her face.
Honestly really good, the acting is amazing the effects are *crazy good* (I honestly don't think I've ever seen Old People Makeup done better), the only real complaint I could see is that it's kind of a slow, floaty plot. Which I honestly don't mind. Probably my vote for best movie of the year.
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Oh yeah, we did Vampires in October, didn't we? #41 is THE HUNGER (1983), a genuinely well-made movie! A thousand-year-old vampire who keeps her boyfriend thralls in the attic to power her immortality has a lesbian relationship, and it kinda blows up in her face.
Honestly really good, the acting is amazing the effects are *crazy good* (I honestly don't think I've ever seen Old People Makeup done better), the only real complaint I could see is that it's kind of a slow, floaty plot. Which I honestly don't mind. Probably my vote for best movie of the year.
#42, PUMPKINHEAD (1988)! Callous Teens accidentally kill a man's son, and he goes to a witch to summon a monster to enact justice on them.
One of those films where most of the cast is assholes and the ones that aren't are just kinda stupid. Also the slasher parts have that kinda lurid air where you can tell someone's gettin' off on this. Not a terrible film, but I was more impressed with the fact that they let the woman kill the monster at the end instead of insisting the man do it.
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#42, PUMPKINHEAD (1988)! Callous Teens accidentally kill a man's son, and he goes to a witch to summon a monster to enact justice on them.
One of those films where most of the cast is assholes and the ones that aren't are just kinda stupid. Also the slasher parts have that kinda lurid air where you can tell someone's gettin' off on this. Not a terrible film, but I was more impressed with the fact that they let the woman kill the monster at the end instead of insisting the man do it.
#43, THE HOWLING (1981)! A news reporter barely escapes a serial killer, then goes to a retreat that turns out to be infested with werewolves!
Robert Picardo should do more weird murderers. I'm serious, he's really good at it. And the special effects for the transformations in The Howling were really excellent. The movie's plot is kinda whatever, the characters are mostly fairly stupid, but I did love the ending. That's a helluva way to spice up the 6pm newscast.
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#43, THE HOWLING (1981)! A news reporter barely escapes a serial killer, then goes to a retreat that turns out to be infested with werewolves!
Robert Picardo should do more weird murderers. I'm serious, he's really good at it. And the special effects for the transformations in The Howling were really excellent. The movie's plot is kinda whatever, the characters are mostly fairly stupid, but I did love the ending. That's a helluva way to spice up the 6pm newscast.
Uuuuh number 44, CRITTERS 3 (1991)! The Crites invade a decaying apartment building and attempt to eat the inhabitants!
Yeah, that's the Direct To Video sequel, huh. Rather low-key, and you could tell they only had a handful of Crite puppets to work with. Still, good cast -- the lesbian phone worker was a real delight. Also the old lady with a giant cleaver. I STILL think Charlie should've died at the end of 2, though, seeing him in 3 was like... Oh. It's YOU again
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Uuuuh number 44, CRITTERS 3 (1991)! The Crites invade a decaying apartment building and attempt to eat the inhabitants!
Yeah, that's the Direct To Video sequel, huh. Rather low-key, and you could tell they only had a handful of Crite puppets to work with. Still, good cast -- the lesbian phone worker was a real delight. Also the old lady with a giant cleaver. I STILL think Charlie should've died at the end of 2, though, seeing him in 3 was like... Oh. It's YOU again
Hey, we're up to number 45, which is VAMPIRE ON BIKINI BEACH (1988)! A vampire cult starts murdering people on a beach! Where people wear bikinis! Yeah, nobody's watching this one for intellectual reasons, huh.
This one felt like a straight movie made by an otherwise fly-by-night organization for tax purposes. The acting is porn-quality, the effects make Party City look cutting edge, and the plot falls apart so fast it puts wet cardboard to shame. All of this on top of cinematography that needs new glasses.
Honestly the only thing that keeps me from voting for VoBB for worst movie of the year is the fact that the people making it were clearly having a blast. Like, it sucks, but at least SOMEONE got something out of it.
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Hey, we're up to number 45, which is VAMPIRE ON BIKINI BEACH (1988)! A vampire cult starts murdering people on a beach! Where people wear bikinis! Yeah, nobody's watching this one for intellectual reasons, huh.
This one felt like a straight movie made by an otherwise fly-by-night organization for tax purposes. The acting is porn-quality, the effects make Party City look cutting edge, and the plot falls apart so fast it puts wet cardboard to shame. All of this on top of cinematography that needs new glasses.
Honestly the only thing that keeps me from voting for VoBB for worst movie of the year is the fact that the people making it were clearly having a blast. Like, it sucks, but at least SOMEONE got something out of it.
46, ALLIGATOR (1980)! Jaws, But It's An Alligator This Time!
Yeah, there's not much to say here, it's a very by-the-numbers Jaws ripoff. Again, the monster has my complete backing and the main cast are assholes who deserve to get eaten. That scene where the rich people's wedding gets wrecked was *seriously* cathartic.
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46, ALLIGATOR (1980)! Jaws, But It's An Alligator This Time!
Yeah, there's not much to say here, it's a very by-the-numbers Jaws ripoff. Again, the monster has my complete backing and the main cast are assholes who deserve to get eaten. That scene where the rich people's wedding gets wrecked was *seriously* cathartic.
#47, SPACE MASTER X-7 (1958)! A spacecraft returns to Earth carrying a sample of Martian dust that quickly grow into a fungus that consumes all!
Most of the film's really more of a police procedural thing where the scientists weirdly get authority to investigate by themselves, so the whole thing kinda feels like a Perry Mason episode where the criminal happens to be space fungus. Which COULD be fun, except nobody who worked on the movie seemed to know what fun was. Dry, dull, uninspired. Bleh.
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#47, SPACE MASTER X-7 (1958)! A spacecraft returns to Earth carrying a sample of Martian dust that quickly grow into a fungus that consumes all!
Most of the film's really more of a police procedural thing where the scientists weirdly get authority to investigate by themselves, so the whole thing kinda feels like a Perry Mason episode where the criminal happens to be space fungus. Which COULD be fun, except nobody who worked on the movie seemed to know what fun was. Dry, dull, uninspired. Bleh.
Nuuuumber... 48, THE ASPHYX (1972)! A scientist discovers the mechanism of all death, a shade he names The Asphyx! He learns to trap it, and gains the secret of eternal life!
...And then fucks it all up. Honestly you could do a very funny black comedy remake of this film where the doc accidentally kills his children in increasingly silly ways, because some of the ways he accidentally kills his children in this movie are PRETTY FUCKING SILLY.
Weirdly, it's a pretty well acted movie. Decently shot, too. It's just the premise and actual plot are *extremely* ridiculous.
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Nuuuumber... 48, THE ASPHYX (1972)! A scientist discovers the mechanism of all death, a shade he names The Asphyx! He learns to trap it, and gains the secret of eternal life!
...And then fucks it all up. Honestly you could do a very funny black comedy remake of this film where the doc accidentally kills his children in increasingly silly ways, because some of the ways he accidentally kills his children in this movie are PRETTY FUCKING SILLY.
Weirdly, it's a pretty well acted movie. Decently shot, too. It's just the premise and actual plot are *extremely* ridiculous.
#49, ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE (1958)! A dollmaker invents a shrink ray and uses it to micro(heh)manage the people in his life!
Yeah, once again Burt I. Gordon and his Amazing Forced Perspective. Guy had literally one trick. Anyway it's pretty standard fare for Burt, but this film does annoy me a little more than usual because it doesn't actually have a resolution. The main characters literally just get un-shrinkified and then walk out of the film, and the credits roll. Guess we didn't need to know how the story ends, huh.
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#49, ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE (1958)! A dollmaker invents a shrink ray and uses it to micro(heh)manage the people in his life!
Yeah, once again Burt I. Gordon and his Amazing Forced Perspective. Guy had literally one trick. Anyway it's pretty standard fare for Burt, but this film does annoy me a little more than usual because it doesn't actually have a resolution. The main characters literally just get un-shrinkified and then walk out of the film, and the credits roll. Guess we didn't need to know how the story ends, huh.
#50, THE SHE-CREATURE (1956)! A hypnotist uses a woman to bring primordial monsters back from the dawn of time! And to make a little cash on the side!
Huh, so the 50's had their own kind of grease, eh? Yeah, this is basically a badly-written story about an abusive relationship, which only gets resolved by the intervention of a controlling asshole that the narrative has designated The Good One. She-Creature should've whomped all of them.
