Folks it's the end of the year and that means it's time to look back at the movies we've watched on #Monsterdon this year.
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Oh yeah, we did Vampires in October, didn't we? #41 is THE HUNGER (1983), a genuinely well-made movie! A thousand-year-old vampire who keeps her boyfriend thralls in the attic to power her immortality has a lesbian relationship, and it kinda blows up in her face.
Honestly really good, the acting is amazing the effects are *crazy good* (I honestly don't think I've ever seen Old People Makeup done better), the only real complaint I could see is that it's kind of a slow, floaty plot. Which I honestly don't mind. Probably my vote for best movie of the year.
#42, PUMPKINHEAD (1988)! Callous Teens accidentally kill a man's son, and he goes to a witch to summon a monster to enact justice on them.
One of those films where most of the cast is assholes and the ones that aren't are just kinda stupid. Also the slasher parts have that kinda lurid air where you can tell someone's gettin' off on this. Not a terrible film, but I was more impressed with the fact that they let the woman kill the monster at the end instead of insisting the man do it.
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#42, PUMPKINHEAD (1988)! Callous Teens accidentally kill a man's son, and he goes to a witch to summon a monster to enact justice on them.
One of those films where most of the cast is assholes and the ones that aren't are just kinda stupid. Also the slasher parts have that kinda lurid air where you can tell someone's gettin' off on this. Not a terrible film, but I was more impressed with the fact that they let the woman kill the monster at the end instead of insisting the man do it.
#43, THE HOWLING (1981)! A news reporter barely escapes a serial killer, then goes to a retreat that turns out to be infested with werewolves!
Robert Picardo should do more weird murderers. I'm serious, he's really good at it. And the special effects for the transformations in The Howling were really excellent. The movie's plot is kinda whatever, the characters are mostly fairly stupid, but I did love the ending. That's a helluva way to spice up the 6pm newscast.
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#43, THE HOWLING (1981)! A news reporter barely escapes a serial killer, then goes to a retreat that turns out to be infested with werewolves!
Robert Picardo should do more weird murderers. I'm serious, he's really good at it. And the special effects for the transformations in The Howling were really excellent. The movie's plot is kinda whatever, the characters are mostly fairly stupid, but I did love the ending. That's a helluva way to spice up the 6pm newscast.
Uuuuh number 44, CRITTERS 3 (1991)! The Crites invade a decaying apartment building and attempt to eat the inhabitants!
Yeah, that's the Direct To Video sequel, huh. Rather low-key, and you could tell they only had a handful of Crite puppets to work with. Still, good cast -- the lesbian phone worker was a real delight. Also the old lady with a giant cleaver. I STILL think Charlie should've died at the end of 2, though, seeing him in 3 was like... Oh. It's YOU again
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Uuuuh number 44, CRITTERS 3 (1991)! The Crites invade a decaying apartment building and attempt to eat the inhabitants!
Yeah, that's the Direct To Video sequel, huh. Rather low-key, and you could tell they only had a handful of Crite puppets to work with. Still, good cast -- the lesbian phone worker was a real delight. Also the old lady with a giant cleaver. I STILL think Charlie should've died at the end of 2, though, seeing him in 3 was like... Oh. It's YOU again
Hey, we're up to number 45, which is VAMPIRE ON BIKINI BEACH (1988)! A vampire cult starts murdering people on a beach! Where people wear bikinis! Yeah, nobody's watching this one for intellectual reasons, huh.
This one felt like a straight movie made by an otherwise fly-by-night organization for tax purposes. The acting is porn-quality, the effects make Party City look cutting edge, and the plot falls apart so fast it puts wet cardboard to shame. All of this on top of cinematography that needs new glasses.
Honestly the only thing that keeps me from voting for VoBB for worst movie of the year is the fact that the people making it were clearly having a blast. Like, it sucks, but at least SOMEONE got something out of it.
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Hey, we're up to number 45, which is VAMPIRE ON BIKINI BEACH (1988)! A vampire cult starts murdering people on a beach! Where people wear bikinis! Yeah, nobody's watching this one for intellectual reasons, huh.
This one felt like a straight movie made by an otherwise fly-by-night organization for tax purposes. The acting is porn-quality, the effects make Party City look cutting edge, and the plot falls apart so fast it puts wet cardboard to shame. All of this on top of cinematography that needs new glasses.
Honestly the only thing that keeps me from voting for VoBB for worst movie of the year is the fact that the people making it were clearly having a blast. Like, it sucks, but at least SOMEONE got something out of it.
46, ALLIGATOR (1980)! Jaws, But It's An Alligator This Time!
Yeah, there's not much to say here, it's a very by-the-numbers Jaws ripoff. Again, the monster has my complete backing and the main cast are assholes who deserve to get eaten. That scene where the rich people's wedding gets wrecked was *seriously* cathartic.
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46, ALLIGATOR (1980)! Jaws, But It's An Alligator This Time!
Yeah, there's not much to say here, it's a very by-the-numbers Jaws ripoff. Again, the monster has my complete backing and the main cast are assholes who deserve to get eaten. That scene where the rich people's wedding gets wrecked was *seriously* cathartic.
#47, SPACE MASTER X-7 (1958)! A spacecraft returns to Earth carrying a sample of Martian dust that quickly grow into a fungus that consumes all!
Most of the film's really more of a police procedural thing where the scientists weirdly get authority to investigate by themselves, so the whole thing kinda feels like a Perry Mason episode where the criminal happens to be space fungus. Which COULD be fun, except nobody who worked on the movie seemed to know what fun was. Dry, dull, uninspired. Bleh.
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#47, SPACE MASTER X-7 (1958)! A spacecraft returns to Earth carrying a sample of Martian dust that quickly grow into a fungus that consumes all!
Most of the film's really more of a police procedural thing where the scientists weirdly get authority to investigate by themselves, so the whole thing kinda feels like a Perry Mason episode where the criminal happens to be space fungus. Which COULD be fun, except nobody who worked on the movie seemed to know what fun was. Dry, dull, uninspired. Bleh.
Nuuuumber... 48, THE ASPHYX (1972)! A scientist discovers the mechanism of all death, a shade he names The Asphyx! He learns to trap it, and gains the secret of eternal life!
...And then fucks it all up. Honestly you could do a very funny black comedy remake of this film where the doc accidentally kills his children in increasingly silly ways, because some of the ways he accidentally kills his children in this movie are PRETTY FUCKING SILLY.
Weirdly, it's a pretty well acted movie. Decently shot, too. It's just the premise and actual plot are *extremely* ridiculous.
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Nuuuumber... 48, THE ASPHYX (1972)! A scientist discovers the mechanism of all death, a shade he names The Asphyx! He learns to trap it, and gains the secret of eternal life!
...And then fucks it all up. Honestly you could do a very funny black comedy remake of this film where the doc accidentally kills his children in increasingly silly ways, because some of the ways he accidentally kills his children in this movie are PRETTY FUCKING SILLY.
Weirdly, it's a pretty well acted movie. Decently shot, too. It's just the premise and actual plot are *extremely* ridiculous.
#49, ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE (1958)! A dollmaker invents a shrink ray and uses it to micro(heh)manage the people in his life!
Yeah, once again Burt I. Gordon and his Amazing Forced Perspective. Guy had literally one trick. Anyway it's pretty standard fare for Burt, but this film does annoy me a little more than usual because it doesn't actually have a resolution. The main characters literally just get un-shrinkified and then walk out of the film, and the credits roll. Guess we didn't need to know how the story ends, huh.
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#49, ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE (1958)! A dollmaker invents a shrink ray and uses it to micro(heh)manage the people in his life!
Yeah, once again Burt I. Gordon and his Amazing Forced Perspective. Guy had literally one trick. Anyway it's pretty standard fare for Burt, but this film does annoy me a little more than usual because it doesn't actually have a resolution. The main characters literally just get un-shrinkified and then walk out of the film, and the credits roll. Guess we didn't need to know how the story ends, huh.
#50, THE SHE-CREATURE (1956)! A hypnotist uses a woman to bring primordial monsters back from the dawn of time! And to make a little cash on the side!
Huh, so the 50's had their own kind of grease, eh? Yeah, this is basically a badly-written story about an abusive relationship, which only gets resolved by the intervention of a controlling asshole that the narrative has designated The Good One. She-Creature should've whomped all of them.
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#50, THE SHE-CREATURE (1956)! A hypnotist uses a woman to bring primordial monsters back from the dawn of time! And to make a little cash on the side!
Huh, so the 50's had their own kind of grease, eh? Yeah, this is basically a badly-written story about an abusive relationship, which only gets resolved by the intervention of a controlling asshole that the narrative has designated The Good One. She-Creature should've whomped all of them.
#51, TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1971)! Five short stories OF HORROR! Featuring rich white English folk murdering people and then wondering why they're being sent to Hell.
A well-shot film with some genuinely good moments, it's also a real showcase for the anxieties of the early 70's upper-class Brit. Scary crazy people, scary homeless people, scary cheating spouses, scary disabled people, and on and on. Oh, and the second-to-last story where the man gets sent to hell because his WIFE wished badly? Yeah I still don't get that.
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#51, TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1971)! Five short stories OF HORROR! Featuring rich white English folk murdering people and then wondering why they're being sent to Hell.
A well-shot film with some genuinely good moments, it's also a real showcase for the anxieties of the early 70's upper-class Brit. Scary crazy people, scary homeless people, scary cheating spouses, scary disabled people, and on and on. Oh, and the second-to-last story where the man gets sent to hell because his WIFE wished badly? Yeah I still don't get that.
And finally, #52! TIME WALKER (1982)! In which a mummy from space terrorizes a college campus!
Very made-for-TV-movie, it's somewhere between Animal House and ET, and not in a good way. Ben Murphy is vaguely annoyed at people on-screen, and the mummy mostly kills people by accident. And then Ben gets assumed into heaven by the Angel Alien Space Mummy! To be Continued?
It's not any better in context, I assure you.
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And finally, #52! TIME WALKER (1982)! In which a mummy from space terrorizes a college campus!
Very made-for-TV-movie, it's somewhere between Animal House and ET, and not in a good way. Ben Murphy is vaguely annoyed at people on-screen, and the mummy mostly kills people by accident. And then Ben gets assumed into heaven by the Angel Alien Space Mummy! To be Continued?
It's not any better in context, I assure you.
Alright, folks, that's all fifty two movies we watched on #Monsterdon this year! Tell me which movie you thought was The Best, The Worst, and The Most Fun To Monsterdon, and I'll take the top three from each category and put up a poll.
And at long last we will have a definitive, democratically-ordained choice as to Which Movie Sucks More! Let me have it
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Alright, folks, that's all fifty two movies we watched on #Monsterdon this year! Tell me which movie you thought was The Best, The Worst, and The Most Fun To Monsterdon, and I'll take the top three from each category and put up a poll.
And at long last we will have a definitive, democratically-ordained choice as to Which Movie Sucks More! Let me have it
@CactuarJoe Invasion of the Star creatures was easily the worst.
I think my favorite watch (not favorite movie mind you) was Frankenstein vs. the Space Monster. Everyone involved in that one knew just what the movie was and still worked to make it as fun as they could. Dr. Nadir and the Princess were goddam ICONS. It was endlessly fun to riff on.
Devil Girl from Mars is up there too, only it's got some real dull stretches. All the great memes with Nyah are the kind of thing that makes #monsterdon so amazing.
My favorite movie was probably Forbidden Planet. It's just flat out one of my favorites in general.
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