People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, 'What would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, 'How do I get to the other side?' The monk shouts back:

'You are on the other side!'