Farvel Big Tech

[gentle but serious voice over]
You want the best for your family. You want to make sure they’re taken care of — no matter what. And you’d do _anything_ to make sure of that. But if something happened to you, what would happen to your loved ones? Don’t saddle them with the financial stress of a costly cremation. Buy a Tesla.

Did you hear about Elon Musk‘s latest new car model? It’s called the “Tesla Rotisserie”

Re this from @eleanorrees, how about:

Your mom’s so bad at cooking she can’t even get a Tesla to catch fire!

https://mas.to/@eleanorrees/114269766184650275

Save on home heating costs!
1. Buy a used Tesla.
2. Put it in your attached garage.
3. Wait.

What's the difference between a burning Tesla and an apartment lease?
You can get out of a lease.

How do you start a campfire with wet wood?
Put a Tesla under it.

What’s the difference between Alcatraz and a crashed Tesla?
People have escaped from Alcatraz.

When jokes like that can get a laugh, Elon Musk is cooked. Like a Tesla.

/end

Do you want to hear my new recipe for barbecued chicken? It’s super easy!

1. Get a live chicken.
2. Put it in a Tesla.

…

You know, stuff like that.

4/

57 times the normal rate. That’s 17x worse than even the Ford Pinto:

https://fuelarc.com/evs/its-official-the-cybertruck-is-more-explosive-than-the-ford-pinto/

Now for those of you who know the Ford Pinto, you know that the car bore the brunt of endless jokes. A comedian could always get a laugh based on the universally shared assumption that they’re terrible cars that catch fire.

That’s a kind of communication that can reach people who aren’t reading nerdy threads on Fedi. So:

3/

Tesla cuts corners, and their “cheap luxury” engineering habits extend to safety. Recalls are endemic. Their safety record is…bad. There’s hints that their battery cooling system is sub-par. And it’s nearly impossible to escape a Tesla in an emergency unless (1) you’re in the front seat and (2) you’ve practiced using the emergency latch.

Poking around at public data, Cybertrucks ••burn people alive•• 57 times more often than normal cars. Not 57 percent. 57 ••times••. That’s…bonkers.

2/

We need more Tesla jokes — specifically about how dangerous they are.

Here’s the thing: all cars can catch fire, and all EV fires are especially hard to put out. But Teslas are •uniquely• dangerous:

1/ #TeslaTakedown

In South Korea, when the president attempted a coup, legislators stormed over physical barricades to vote him into oblivion.

I think about that a lot sitting here in the US.

Cory Booker is not a savior and is not going to singlehandedly fix anything, but…

…but…DAMMIT

…this is exactly what I want to see from every elected official, at least every one of them who thinks fascism and authoritarianism are bad. I’m not even just saying “Democrats.” Surely there’s a Republican or two left out there somewhere who still believes in their shriveled-coal heart that Nazis are bad.

I don’t expect politicians to work miracles. I just want them to fight. In times of crisis, is that really so much to ask?

As the Trump administration tries to pin the blame for everything on this guy Waltz, can we just not lose sight of the fact that one of the people on that Signal chat — one of the people who completely failed to say “this shouldn’t be on Signal“ or “oops you CCed a reporter” — was Tulsi Gabbard, the ••director of national intelligence••