I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
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Today #IHopeJohnRoberts goes for a walk on the Mall at lunch because he wants to see the reflecting pool for himself, and honestly it looks pretty gross to him, and as he stands there looking at the water and wondering whether maybe the stink and decay is a metaphor of some kind he sees a chip of blue paint floating on the surface of the algae and without even thinking, because he is an orderly sort of fellow, he bends over and picks it up and next thing he knows he is being manhandled to the ground and handcuffed and told he is under arrest for vandalism, so he insists very loudly and repeatedly that he is the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, dammit, and so he ends his day not in a jail cell but heavily medicated in a locked room in the Psychiatric Institute of Washington on a 3-day mental health hold.
Today I hope that when John Roberts wakes up in his small locked room at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington the orderlies speak to him in those artificially soothing voices adults use with small children and frightened animals and all he gets for breakfast is a harmless porridge but then fairly promptly he is taken to a staff psychiatrist for the interview required by District of Columbia Code §21-522 and the psychiatrist quickly realizes who he is and apologizes that no one has recognized him earlier, and then explains that by law they do need to complete the interview for form's sake, and Roberts understands that so the doctor asks whether he's been under any stress lately and with a tangible, almost physical feeling of catharsis Roberts says "oh my God yes!" and because he's been so so lonely and it's really nice to talk with someone he shares all the things that have been stressing him out including his emotion-driven drunk driving incident and all the dead rats and Alito and Thomas in dark robes threatening him ritually with candles and yet another dead rat and by the end of the interview, yeah, you got it, the doctor says, "I'm very sorry, Mr. Chief Justice, I really don't want to do this, but I really have no choice but to keep you here a while longer for your own safety," and promises he'll try to contact someone to arrange a private outpatient provider but also warns that because it's a holiday weekend it may take longer than usual. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I hope that when John Roberts wakes up in his small locked room at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington the orderlies speak to him in those artificially soothing voices adults use with small children and frightened animals and all he gets for breakfast is a harmless porridge but then fairly promptly he is taken to a staff psychiatrist for the interview required by District of Columbia Code §21-522 and the psychiatrist quickly realizes who he is and apologizes that no one has recognized him earlier, and then explains that by law they do need to complete the interview for form's sake, and Roberts understands that so the doctor asks whether he's been under any stress lately and with a tangible, almost physical feeling of catharsis Roberts says "oh my God yes!" and because he's been so so lonely and it's really nice to talk with someone he shares all the things that have been stressing him out including his emotion-driven drunk driving incident and all the dead rats and Alito and Thomas in dark robes threatening him ritually with candles and yet another dead rat and by the end of the interview, yeah, you got it, the doctor says, "I'm very sorry, Mr. Chief Justice, I really don't want to do this, but I really have no choice but to keep you here a while longer for your own safety," and promises he'll try to contact someone to arrange a private outpatient provider but also warns that because it's a holiday weekend it may take longer than usual. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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Today I hope that when John Roberts wakes up in his small locked room at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington the orderlies speak to him in those artificially soothing voices adults use with small children and frightened animals and all he gets for breakfast is a harmless porridge but then fairly promptly he is taken to a staff psychiatrist for the interview required by District of Columbia Code §21-522 and the psychiatrist quickly realizes who he is and apologizes that no one has recognized him earlier, and then explains that by law they do need to complete the interview for form's sake, and Roberts understands that so the doctor asks whether he's been under any stress lately and with a tangible, almost physical feeling of catharsis Roberts says "oh my God yes!" and because he's been so so lonely and it's really nice to talk with someone he shares all the things that have been stressing him out including his emotion-driven drunk driving incident and all the dead rats and Alito and Thomas in dark robes threatening him ritually with candles and yet another dead rat and by the end of the interview, yeah, you got it, the doctor says, "I'm very sorry, Mr. Chief Justice, I really don't want to do this, but I really have no choice but to keep you here a while longer for your own safety," and promises he'll try to contact someone to arrange a private outpatient provider but also warns that because it's a holiday weekend it may take longer than usual. #IHopeJohnRoberts
I hope that when John Roberts wakes up this morning in his small bed in his small locked room in the psychiatric facility where he's been referred for a mental health evaluation (see above), he remembers it's July 4th and really hopes he can get out today so he can celebrate with friends like usual, but then he remembers that actually these days he has few or no friends, especially since Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito went feral on him (also see above), and then when the orderly comes to let him out he asks whether the facility has managed to reach anyone to arrange his release to a private provider, and the orderly checks the chart and says that they've called Roberts' emergency contact, his wife, but that she hasn't answered the calls, which John knows probably is because she's still overseas with her pelvic health physiotherapist (id.), which means actually no one knows he's been locked up and no one is arranging for his release on this holiday weekend and he's going to spend America's 250th anniversary in a psychiatric facility, but on the bright side the orderly has gaily decorated his porridge this morning with some fun stripes of red and blue icing and a tiny paper flag (with only 25 stars and 11 stripes because it's small). #IHopeJohnRoberts #July4 #July4th #250th
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I hope that when John Roberts wakes up this morning in his small bed in his small locked room in the psychiatric facility where he's been referred for a mental health evaluation (see above), he remembers it's July 4th and really hopes he can get out today so he can celebrate with friends like usual, but then he remembers that actually these days he has few or no friends, especially since Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito went feral on him (also see above), and then when the orderly comes to let him out he asks whether the facility has managed to reach anyone to arrange his release to a private provider, and the orderly checks the chart and says that they've called Roberts' emergency contact, his wife, but that she hasn't answered the calls, which John knows probably is because she's still overseas with her pelvic health physiotherapist (id.), which means actually no one knows he's been locked up and no one is arranging for his release on this holiday weekend and he's going to spend America's 250th anniversary in a psychiatric facility, but on the bright side the orderly has gaily decorated his porridge this morning with some fun stripes of red and blue icing and a tiny paper flag (with only 25 stars and 11 stripes because it's small). #IHopeJohnRoberts #July4 #July4th #250th
This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts is allowed to join the other patients in the common room for a group therapy session where a man who believes he's Tsar Nicholas and a woman who's sure she's really a space kitty temporarily in human form listen attentively to him explain that he's the chief justice of the United States and reassure him that they believe him, and then they're all served a surprisingly tasty meat loaf with mashed potatoes and green beans for lunch, and then he plays a couple games of backgammon with a very nice person of indeterminate gender who thinks Roberts is one of the orderlies and keeps calling him "sir," and honestly it's one of the most collegial, pleasant days he's had in a long time and he sort of hopes they don't release him too soon, but then the facility administrator comes in accompanied by the girl U.S. Marshal from the Court's protective detail and he realizes that instead of getting to keep hanging out with his undemanding new friends he instead has to go back to his lonely big house tonight and then tomorrow he'll have to return to work with assholes like Alito and Thomas, and it makes him sad.
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This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts is allowed to join the other patients in the common room for a group therapy session where a man who believes he's Tsar Nicholas and a woman who's sure she's really a space kitty temporarily in human form listen attentively to him explain that he's the chief justice of the United States and reassure him that they believe him, and then they're all served a surprisingly tasty meat loaf with mashed potatoes and green beans for lunch, and then he plays a couple games of backgammon with a very nice person of indeterminate gender who thinks Roberts is one of the orderlies and keeps calling him "sir," and honestly it's one of the most collegial, pleasant days he's had in a long time and he sort of hopes they don't release him too soon, but then the facility administrator comes in accompanied by the girl U.S. Marshal from the Court's protective detail and he realizes that instead of getting to keep hanging out with his undemanding new friends he instead has to go back to his lonely big house tonight and then tomorrow he'll have to return to work with assholes like Alito and Thomas, and it makes him sad.
@msbellows I'm not gonna lie, I am in awe of the amount of mental energy you put into these posts.
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@msbellows I'm not gonna lie, I am in awe of the amount of mental energy you put into these posts.
@chrisnelsonsdog I thank you. I (usually) enjoy it.
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This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts is allowed to join the other patients in the common room for a group therapy session where a man who believes he's Tsar Nicholas and a woman who's sure she's really a space kitty temporarily in human form listen attentively to him explain that he's the chief justice of the United States and reassure him that they believe him, and then they're all served a surprisingly tasty meat loaf with mashed potatoes and green beans for lunch, and then he plays a couple games of backgammon with a very nice person of indeterminate gender who thinks Roberts is one of the orderlies and keeps calling him "sir," and honestly it's one of the most collegial, pleasant days he's had in a long time and he sort of hopes they don't release him too soon, but then the facility administrator comes in accompanied by the girl U.S. Marshal from the Court's protective detail and he realizes that instead of getting to keep hanging out with his undemanding new friends he instead has to go back to his lonely big house tonight and then tomorrow he'll have to return to work with assholes like Alito and Thomas, and it makes him sad.
#IHopeJohnRoberts dreamed he was still in the psychiatric facility playing backgammon with his new friend and was sad when he woke up because he wasn't, so when he got to work he asked Brett Kavanaugh if he'd like to play a game with him but Kavanaugh just looked darkly at him (which wasn't actually all that dark because of his baby face) then undid one button of his shirt to reveal the inverted Federalist Society medallion he was wearing between his moobs against his weirdly babysmooth chest skin and muttered "SHAME!" just like Alito and Thomas did a few days ago, and honestly after everything that's been happening lately Roberts doesn't have enough cortisol left to really feel fear anymore so instead he just feels left out that Leonard Leo never invited him to join his cult.
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@mycotropic Ha!
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#IHopeJohnRoberts dreamed he was still in the psychiatric facility playing backgammon with his new friend and was sad when he woke up because he wasn't, so when he got to work he asked Brett Kavanaugh if he'd like to play a game with him but Kavanaugh just looked darkly at him (which wasn't actually all that dark because of his baby face) then undid one button of his shirt to reveal the inverted Federalist Society medallion he was wearing between his moobs against his weirdly babysmooth chest skin and muttered "SHAME!" just like Alito and Thomas did a few days ago, and honestly after everything that's been happening lately Roberts doesn't have enough cortisol left to really feel fear anymore so instead he just feels left out that Leonard Leo never invited him to join his cult.
Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts had an erotic dream about Justice Amy Coney Barrett and look we're all grownups here it's normal to have erotic dreams and honestly she is an attractive woman and anyway all law students quickly learn that an Undergrad 6 is a Lawyer 9, so he wakes up this morning not at all ashamed and it adds a small, slightly erotic, but not at all creepy frisson of amusement to his previously-scheduled conference with her later this morning, until he suddenly and vividly remembers that part of the dream was her fully dressed in a leather catsuit while he was naked except for wearing his own wife's brassiere and Barrett kept demanding that he worship her feet and that he had really enjoyed that part, so the rest of his meeting with her feels a little awkward.
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@mycotropic Today's is for you, friend.
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Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts had an erotic dream about Justice Amy Coney Barrett and look we're all grownups here it's normal to have erotic dreams and honestly she is an attractive woman and anyway all law students quickly learn that an Undergrad 6 is a Lawyer 9, so he wakes up this morning not at all ashamed and it adds a small, slightly erotic, but not at all creepy frisson of amusement to his previously-scheduled conference with her later this morning, until he suddenly and vividly remembers that part of the dream was her fully dressed in a leather catsuit while he was naked except for wearing his own wife's brassiere and Barrett kept demanding that he worship her feet and that he had really enjoyed that part, so the rest of his meeting with her feels a little awkward.
After reading Trump's lawyers' latest brief trying to avoid paying the E. Jean Carroll judgment on the ground that sexual slanders uttered while president are "official acts" and therefore immune under the decision Roberts himself wrote, #IHopeJohnRoberts can't fall asleep tonight because he realizes that the blowjobs Bill Clinton received from Monica Lewinski arguably were constitutionally protected because they occurred just outside the Oval Office.
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After reading Trump's lawyers' latest brief trying to avoid paying the E. Jean Carroll judgment on the ground that sexual slanders uttered while president are "official acts" and therefore immune under the decision Roberts himself wrote, #IHopeJohnRoberts can't fall asleep tonight because he realizes that the blowjobs Bill Clinton received from Monica Lewinski arguably were constitutionally protected because they occurred just outside the Oval Office.
#IHopeJohnRoberts realizes today that Mitch McConnell's probably never gonna pay him back the $3 he borrowed to buy lunch back in 1984.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts realizes today that Mitch McConnell's probably never gonna pay him back the $3 he borrowed to buy lunch back in 1984.
@msbellows it was going to be $10 with inflation so it hurts just a little more
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#IHopeJohnRoberts realizes today that Mitch McConnell's probably never gonna pay him back the $3 he borrowed to buy lunch back in 1984.
I woke up today feeling a bit lost and depressed and unmotivated, so #IHopeJohnRoberts woke up today feeling a whole lot lost and depressed and unmotivated.
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I woke up today feeling a bit lost and depressed and unmotivated, so #IHopeJohnRoberts woke up today feeling a whole lot lost and depressed and unmotivated.
@msbellows Ask yourself, does Mitch twitch?
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I woke up today feeling a bit lost and depressed and unmotivated, so #IHopeJohnRoberts woke up today feeling a whole lot lost and depressed and unmotivated.
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is sad about Firefighter Johnny Gage dying, just like I am. #Emergency #KMG365
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/randolph-mantooth-played-medic-nbcs-emergency-dies-80-rcna404688 -
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is sad about Firefighter Johnny Gage dying, just like I am. #Emergency #KMG365
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/randolph-mantooth-played-medic-nbcs-emergency-dies-80-rcna404688Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is remembering that when he was first nominated to the Supreme Court Lindsey Graham called him "solid" and predicted he would "interpret the law and not legislate from the bench," and even though he wasn't good friends with Graham or anything he still feels bad because he knows neither of those things has turned out to be true.
https://www.lgraham.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2005/7/post-93f179bf-2d8b-400d-9fe8-33e7a456071b -
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is remembering that when he was first nominated to the Supreme Court Lindsey Graham called him "solid" and predicted he would "interpret the law and not legislate from the bench," and even though he wasn't good friends with Graham or anything he still feels bad because he knows neither of those things has turned out to be true.
https://www.lgraham.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2005/7/post-93f179bf-2d8b-400d-9fe8-33e7a456071b#IHopeJohnRoberts is feeling lost today because the Court officially is in recess and most of the justices and their staff are away on vacations and he had some plans to spend a week on Martha's Vineyard with his wife but she hasn't communicated with him at all for, what, a couple of months now? and he considered just going to Martha's Vineyard by himself but that would be lonely and besides, she's the one who made the reservations and he has no idea how to even access them and also he's a little worried about getting Dershowitzed by the locals.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts is feeling lost today because the Court officially is in recess and most of the justices and their staff are away on vacations and he had some plans to spend a week on Martha's Vineyard with his wife but she hasn't communicated with him at all for, what, a couple of months now? and he considered just going to Martha's Vineyard by himself but that would be lonely and besides, she's the one who made the reservations and he has no idea how to even access them and also he's a little worried about getting Dershowitzed by the locals.
#IHopeJohnRoberts is heavily invested in Oracle. https://medium.com/@fahey_james/oracle-just-got-downgraded-and-openai-is-the-reason-why-4c1841fae011
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#IHopeJohnRoberts is heavily invested in Oracle. https://medium.com/@fahey_james/oracle-just-got-downgraded-and-openai-is-the-reason-why-4c1841fae011
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts has a meeting with Elena Kagan and Amy Coney Barrett to debrief their House testimony yesterday about Court security, and he tells them he's really grateful they're advocating for more security and asks whether any of the congresscritters commented on his recent experiences with something leaving dead, crushed rats on his doorstep, or him being detained on a mental health hold in a locked psychiatric facility over the 4th of July weekend without anyone on the Court staff noticing, or about about Alito and Thomas and Kavanaugh threatening him on behalf of a satanic Federalist cult apparently run by Leonard Leo, and as the two women sit there in absolutely stunned silence he remembers that he hasn't actually told anyone about any of these things and so they couldn't have shared them with Congress or gotten him any more security but now they do know and he wonders what will happen to him next, and he decides that since the Court is on summer recess anyway it's probably a really really good time to just get the fuck out of Dodge, and he stands up while they're still sitting there, leaves the building, and goes home before they can call anyone else to get involved.
https://rollcall.com/2026/07/14/supreme-court-justices-emphasize-need-for-security-funding
