A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess).
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parentingYou can't. Yes they are young, but they are also adults and have to make their own mistakes. Even when we as parents can see the issues from several miles away.
Our job is to help pick up the pieces afterwards.
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have they been living together? Like, on their own together?
If it were my child, I'd suggest they cohabit for a year before setting a date and figure things out and get comfortable like that first and then they can enjoy married life much more because they'll have already established routines and figured each other out.@fritzoids kinda? Like, they live together, but are also both down the street from their parents' homes (this is a small town) and rely a lot on them. Maybe I can suggest to my friend that she give them a washing machine of their own to prove they can do laundry before they pledge themselves to each other.
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@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
@Branwen74 @juliette And don't forget packing a slightly too small bag and/or tent: camping in bad weather is a nice test as well.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette IKEA is the standard method for testing relationships i think. It has it all; communication in a stressful environment, compatibility in style/preference, teamwork on assembling the furniture when they get home ect...
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette Not an exact answer to the question, but why is that such a bad idea? Having children means you will have more time to enjoy life later in life, you have more strength to raise children (getting up at random times during the night, etc) and there are excellent conditions for having children during education, (if its in Denmark).
(Okay, I am also skeptical because my in-laws advised my wife not to marry me, and I still bear some grudge after 14 years
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My suggestion to her in this specific case is: give them tickets for a longish (3 months) trip, because this will make or break the relationship. If they're still together after 3 months of traveling together, then maybe marriage will work out and we're just being downers.
@juliette
That is quite brilliant. Also gives them both a chance to get out and "see the world" including a whole bunch of interesting folk they never knew existed. They may see making a life-long decision right now as less compelling in that light.
I do a little tour guiding each year, and I see a lot of wild stuff between couple when they travel. It's also good for my marriage because after two weeks with any random group of strangers I am reminded of how lucky I am to have married my lovely wife! -
@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
@Branwen74 @juliette when my wife was still a girlfriend we went hiking and such. Sharing a tent, pooing in the bushes and such are good tests for the relationship. And as a Finn I sort of tested her by taking her to winter swimming. A bit over minus ten Celsius and when she went from sauna to the sea I knew she was the one
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@fritzoids kinda? Like, they live together, but are also both down the street from their parents' homes (this is a small town) and rely a lot on them. Maybe I can suggest to my friend that she give them a washing machine of their own to prove they can do laundry before they pledge themselves to each other.
oh dear. Then I'm seconding the suggestion to have them go on a longish vacation together. Sell it to them as seeing the world before life catches up with them.
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@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
@Branwen74 a canoe trip as well as a tandem bicycle... Baptism of FIRE for any relationship.
(we overheard a couple in a canoe, one of them shouted "Why do you DEFY ME!!!")
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@Branwen74 a canoe trip as well as a tandem bicycle... Baptism of FIRE for any relationship.
(we overheard a couple in a canoe, one of them shouted "Why do you DEFY ME!!!")
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette I don't think you can.
I think you can have a conversation where you state your concern framed as "you are an adult so this is absolutely your decision and I respect that but this is why I'm worried"My father had this conversation with me when I was 17 and it worked to make me get some perspective.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette Do not nudge. Do not give advice. Do not meddle. It won’t work
The tickets for 3 months travel might work as a wake up call?
20 and 18 year old aren’t kids, they don’t need that kind of parenting, they might need kindness and backup and help and trust
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@juliette Do not nudge. Do not give advice. Do not meddle. It won’t work
The tickets for 3 months travel might work as a wake up call?
20 and 18 year old aren’t kids, they don’t need that kind of parenting, they might need kindness and backup and help and trust
️@juliette Disclaimer: I married my still-spouse when we where 20 and 21, didn’t ask for advice, just announced our plans and thankfully no one tried to treat us as minors
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette You could be describing my relationship with my wife of 47 years. We were mature for our age. The odds aren't good but such relationships are not impossible.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette some times being a parent is to watch your kid make bad moves and gain their own experience. Sometimes the kids even prove you wrong. My mom tried to talk me out of spending my savings on buying a flat with my boyfriend when I was 19. Now 33 years later I think he’s proven to her that he’s Ok
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I would ask them why getting officially married is so important. If they don’t have kids yet the legal aspects are not that important I’d think. They can throw a big engagement party to let everyone know about their love. But also to your friend why is it so important to her? Divorce is not nice of cause, but breaking up from a partner you’re not married to is not great either. -
A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette Your friend has good instincts. You don't do anything. They will both hate you for trying.
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@fritzoids kinda? Like, they live together, but are also both down the street from their parents' homes (this is a small town) and rely a lot on them. Maybe I can suggest to my friend that she give them a washing machine of their own to prove they can do laundry before they pledge themselves to each other.
@juliette @fritzoids ahh I think the washing machine idea is great regardless of the marriage thing.
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@juliette Disclaimer: I married my still-spouse when we where 20 and 21, didn’t ask for advice, just announced our plans and thankfully no one tried to treat us as minors
My wife and I got together at 22 and 23 - a little older but not much. You don't know if you'll grow apart or not, but you also don't know this at 30.
Edit: One of my sisters was married and divorced before she was 24, and my youngest sister was in a relationship with her ex-teacher (I know) when she was... wayyyy too young.
You just have to have their back and help them get back on their feet if/when it falls apart.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parentingGenerally, IMO the most effective (& affordable & consistent) way to meaningfully engage with young people is through a prosocial video game.
This is an evidence-based approach for dealing with sensitive topics (e.g. dating, consent, etc).
No title comes to mind right now, but if a young adult plays a game (alone) it affords them an oppty to experience the realities of (sensitive topic), safely make the *wrong* decisions, and consider the impacts.
And because it is a video game, they are more likely to be open to lessons learned.
[Our nonprofit org does this for younger people (11-13) experiencing their first dating relationship. The game 'HONEYMOON' helps them learn what healthy relationships look like.]
Such a game should be intentionally designed to explore these issues -- not designed merely for entertainment or profit.Our program website has links & info if you are curious about the concepts involved.
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@juliette @fritzoids ahh I think the washing machine idea is great regardless of the marriage thing.
@fritzoids @juliette or alternatively tell them they can wash at the friends place for the price of doing her clothes as well while they’re at it
