I know I've said it before but while in general I am a fan of the fact that romantasy as a genre exists, and popular culture is finally acknowledging that women get horny and like sex, I wish it didn't mean formulaic heterosmut now has to be shoehorned...
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He is, however, delighted and in return gives her a powerful magical item that she’s been hankering after ever since the very beginning of the book, when her patron took her to Fantasy Harrods and bought her a bunch of expensive outfits and magic items but couldn’t stretch to this one. I failed to note the likely future importance of this object or post about this scene because the only thing duller than shopping is reading about someone else shopping and I rather zoned out for a chapter.
He then decides vows be damned, he's going to get some action. She in turn is overcome by desperate, primal need. Several paragraphs are dedicated to the way their hands explore each others' bodies, phrased in a disconcertingly disembodied way that puts me in mind of Thing from the Adams Family. It is at this point that she decides now is the perfect moment to tell him that she's working with LI1 to steal the magical doohickey he's oath bound to protect.
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He then decides vows be damned, he's going to get some action. She in turn is overcome by desperate, primal need. Several paragraphs are dedicated to the way their hands explore each others' bodies, phrased in a disconcertingly disembodied way that puts me in mind of Thing from the Adams Family. It is at this point that she decides now is the perfect moment to tell him that she's working with LI1 to steal the magical doohickey he's oath bound to protect.
Unsurprisingly really, he's not terribly happy about this.
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Unsurprisingly really, he's not terribly happy about this.
He restrains her in a thoroughly unsexy way, and seriously for a book whose author has up to this point been playing Mildly Spicy Trope Bingo she really missed an open goal here.
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He restrains her in a thoroughly unsexy way, and seriously for a book whose author has up to this point been playing Mildly Spicy Trope Bingo she really missed an open goal here.
She eventually frees herself, dashes to the portal as fast as she can and passes through it, pausing only briefly on the other side to change into a fancy frock to infiltrate the faerie ball unnoticed. Why she bothered doing this is anyone's guess because as soon as she spots the fae queen menacing her solid and manly beau she throws herself on her mercy, pleads for his release and says she is the one responsible for everything.
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She eventually frees herself, dashes to the portal as fast as she can and passes through it, pausing only briefly on the other side to change into a fancy frock to infiltrate the faerie ball unnoticed. Why she bothered doing this is anyone's guess because as soon as she spots the fae queen menacing her solid and manly beau she throws herself on her mercy, pleads for his release and says she is the one responsible for everything.
The fae queen basically replies “I know you are you dipshit” and chucks her in a birdcage, where she will languish until I can summon the will to continue.
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The fae queen basically replies “I know you are you dipshit” and chucks her in a birdcage, where she will languish until I can summon the will to continue.
Time to return to our captive heroine, after completing all the domestic chores I could reasonably procrastinate with. I would like to thank the author of this atrocity for the notable improvement in my housekeeping standards avoiding it has produced these past two weekends.
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Time to return to our captive heroine, after completing all the domestic chores I could reasonably procrastinate with. I would like to thank the author of this atrocity for the notable improvement in my housekeeping standards avoiding it has produced these past two weekends.
Just when all seems lost and our heroine is lamenting what a complete cluterfuck she has made of her quest, the palace starts falling apart. As the walls shudder then crumble Whiskas Meaty Chunks appears to break her out of her cage and reveal that he has in fact stolen the magical whatchamacallit to free them both.
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Just when all seems lost and our heroine is lamenting what a complete cluterfuck she has made of her quest, the palace starts falling apart. As the walls shudder then crumble Whiskas Meaty Chunks appears to break her out of her cage and reveal that he has in fact stolen the magical whatchamacallit to free them both.
If they'd actually had a sensible conversation four chapters ago and agreed to nick it together instead of alternately perving each others' arses and silently feeling guilty/brooding [delete as appropriate] this whole mess could probably have been avoided.
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If they'd actually had a sensible conversation four chapters ago and agreed to nick it together instead of alternately perving each others' arses and silently feeling guilty/brooding [delete as appropriate] this whole mess could probably have been avoided.
Some heavy petting occurs as the walls start bleeding for some reason, then they remember that they're in mortal danger and run for the portal before they're crushed by a piece of falling magical masonry. He ushers her through and then to her horror destroys it from his end. He doesn't actually destroy it with his end, although given the amount of ink that's been devoted to describing how solidly muscled his buttocks are I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he had.
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Some heavy petting occurs as the walls start bleeding for some reason, then they remember that they're in mortal danger and run for the portal before they're crushed by a piece of falling magical masonry. He ushers her through and then to her horror destroys it from his end. He doesn't actually destroy it with his end, although given the amount of ink that's been devoted to describing how solidly muscled his buttocks are I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he had.
She falls down sobbing in the mud but has to get over it pretty quickly when she notices the house is on fire. She darts in and saves the housekeeper and stablehand (characters whose main purpose thus far have been to comedically blunder in and interrupt our hot and horny heroes when things are about to get heavy) but is then trapped in the attic with Little Sister. Conveniently at this point though it emerges Little Sister is in fact half Faerie and capable of putting out the flames with magic
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She falls down sobbing in the mud but has to get over it pretty quickly when she notices the house is on fire. She darts in and saves the housekeeper and stablehand (characters whose main purpose thus far have been to comedically blunder in and interrupt our hot and horny heroes when things are about to get heavy) but is then trapped in the attic with Little Sister. Conveniently at this point though it emerges Little Sister is in fact half Faerie and capable of putting out the flames with magic
A lot of things, none of them sexy, now happen very quickly. Love Interest the First shows up with his army but she decides not to give him the magical whatchamacallit because as Little Sister is half Faerie doing so will kill her too. She destroys it instead and there is a pitched battle between LI1's army and some statues animated by a feral ten year old laughing manically by the light of her burning home, in what is objectively the single cool scene of the book.
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A lot of things, none of them sexy, now happen very quickly. Love Interest the First shows up with his army but she decides not to give him the magical whatchamacallit because as Little Sister is half Faerie doing so will kill her too. She destroys it instead and there is a pitched battle between LI1's army and some statues animated by a feral ten year old laughing manically by the light of her burning home, in what is objectively the single cool scene of the book.
Ice Eye's army is too powerful however, and our mortally wounded heroine is forced to retreat to the smouldering ruins of the house along with Little Sister and the pair of Comedy Serfs.
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Ice Eye's army is too powerful however, and our mortally wounded heroine is forced to retreat to the smouldering ruins of the house along with Little Sister and the pair of Comedy Serfs.
By this point our heroine’s magic is beginning to wane. She is also in terrible pain, exhausted, terrified and slowly dying. She's also probably horny, but more because this is her default state than in response to recent events. This is of course an excellent state of mind in which to master a complex and dangerous piece of magic that no one has been able to figure out since its inventors died centuries ago.
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By this point our heroine’s magic is beginning to wane. She is also in terrible pain, exhausted, terrified and slowly dying. She's also probably horny, but more because this is her default state than in response to recent events. This is of course an excellent state of mind in which to master a complex and dangerous piece of magic that no one has been able to figure out since its inventors died centuries ago.
It goes wrong and they all die horribly. The End.
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It goes wrong and they all die horribly. The End.
Sorry, that was me indulging in a bit of fantasy myself there. Sadly that’s not actually what happens. Instead she has a brief hallucinatory conversation with her inner child who tells her that the only thing she has to fear is fear itself, the fundamental structure of the universe reveals itself to her and she pulls them all through to Faerieland without needing the broken portal.
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Sorry, that was me indulging in a bit of fantasy myself there. Sadly that’s not actually what happens. Instead she has a brief hallucinatory conversation with her inner child who tells her that the only thing she has to fear is fear itself, the fundamental structure of the universe reveals itself to her and she pulls them all through to Faerieland without needing the broken portal.
And at this point I'm overcome by a sudden and overwhelming urge to alphabetise my socks, so I'll leave you there Mastodon. Thank you for being here with me through this excruciating experience.
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And at this point I'm overcome by a sudden and overwhelming urge to alphabetise my socks, so I'll leave you there Mastodon. Thank you for being here with me through this excruciating experience.
We catch up with the party in a crumbling faerieland. As her terrified subjects cower or make a futile attempt to flee the collapse of their entire plane of reality, the Faerie Queen has decided the most useful thing she could be doing is ritually executing Adonis McHardbutt for his treachery in an excellent argument against a system of hereditary monarchy's ability to select good leaders for a crisis.
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We catch up with the party in a crumbling faerieland. As her terrified subjects cower or make a futile attempt to flee the collapse of their entire plane of reality, the Faerie Queen has decided the most useful thing she could be doing is ritually executing Adonis McHardbutt for his treachery in an excellent argument against a system of hereditary monarchy's ability to select good leaders for a crisis.
She has thoughtfully taken the time to remove his shirt for the occasion, in case anyone had forgotten that he's really quite muscular
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She has thoughtfully taken the time to remove his shirt for the occasion, in case anyone had forgotten that he's really quite muscular
As her vision fades and her heart fails, our heroine instructs little sister and the two innocent bystanders who are by now probably seriously regretting taking their employment choices to hide behind a tree root. She then crawls towards the gruesome yet probably still in some way sexy tableau in front of them, instead of asking someone actually capable of walking to do whatever she planned.
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As her vision fades and her heart fails, our heroine instructs little sister and the two innocent bystanders who are by now probably seriously regretting taking their employment choices to hide behind a tree root. She then crawls towards the gruesome yet probably still in some way sexy tableau in front of them, instead of asking someone actually capable of walking to do whatever she planned.
Having learned nothing from the last time she tried this she pleads with the Faerie Queen, who once again responds "Lol nope"
