I know I've said it before but while in general I am a fan of the fact that romantasy as a genre exists, and popular culture is finally acknowledging that women get horny and like sex, I wish it didn't mean formulaic heterosmut now has to be shoehorned...
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Time to return to our captive heroine, after completing all the domestic chores I could reasonably procrastinate with. I would like to thank the author of this atrocity for the notable improvement in my housekeeping standards avoiding it has produced these past two weekends.
Just when all seems lost and our heroine is lamenting what a complete cluterfuck she has made of her quest, the palace starts falling apart. As the walls shudder then crumble Whiskas Meaty Chunks appears to break her out of her cage and reveal that he has in fact stolen the magical whatchamacallit to free them both.
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Just when all seems lost and our heroine is lamenting what a complete cluterfuck she has made of her quest, the palace starts falling apart. As the walls shudder then crumble Whiskas Meaty Chunks appears to break her out of her cage and reveal that he has in fact stolen the magical whatchamacallit to free them both.
If they'd actually had a sensible conversation four chapters ago and agreed to nick it together instead of alternately perving each others' arses and silently feeling guilty/brooding [delete as appropriate] this whole mess could probably have been avoided.
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If they'd actually had a sensible conversation four chapters ago and agreed to nick it together instead of alternately perving each others' arses and silently feeling guilty/brooding [delete as appropriate] this whole mess could probably have been avoided.
Some heavy petting occurs as the walls start bleeding for some reason, then they remember that they're in mortal danger and run for the portal before they're crushed by a piece of falling magical masonry. He ushers her through and then to her horror destroys it from his end. He doesn't actually destroy it with his end, although given the amount of ink that's been devoted to describing how solidly muscled his buttocks are I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he had.
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Some heavy petting occurs as the walls start bleeding for some reason, then they remember that they're in mortal danger and run for the portal before they're crushed by a piece of falling magical masonry. He ushers her through and then to her horror destroys it from his end. He doesn't actually destroy it with his end, although given the amount of ink that's been devoted to describing how solidly muscled his buttocks are I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he had.
She falls down sobbing in the mud but has to get over it pretty quickly when she notices the house is on fire. She darts in and saves the housekeeper and stablehand (characters whose main purpose thus far have been to comedically blunder in and interrupt our hot and horny heroes when things are about to get heavy) but is then trapped in the attic with Little Sister. Conveniently at this point though it emerges Little Sister is in fact half Faerie and capable of putting out the flames with magic
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She falls down sobbing in the mud but has to get over it pretty quickly when she notices the house is on fire. She darts in and saves the housekeeper and stablehand (characters whose main purpose thus far have been to comedically blunder in and interrupt our hot and horny heroes when things are about to get heavy) but is then trapped in the attic with Little Sister. Conveniently at this point though it emerges Little Sister is in fact half Faerie and capable of putting out the flames with magic
A lot of things, none of them sexy, now happen very quickly. Love Interest the First shows up with his army but she decides not to give him the magical whatchamacallit because as Little Sister is half Faerie doing so will kill her too. She destroys it instead and there is a pitched battle between LI1's army and some statues animated by a feral ten year old laughing manically by the light of her burning home, in what is objectively the single cool scene of the book.
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A lot of things, none of them sexy, now happen very quickly. Love Interest the First shows up with his army but she decides not to give him the magical whatchamacallit because as Little Sister is half Faerie doing so will kill her too. She destroys it instead and there is a pitched battle between LI1's army and some statues animated by a feral ten year old laughing manically by the light of her burning home, in what is objectively the single cool scene of the book.
Ice Eye's army is too powerful however, and our mortally wounded heroine is forced to retreat to the smouldering ruins of the house along with Little Sister and the pair of Comedy Serfs.
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Ice Eye's army is too powerful however, and our mortally wounded heroine is forced to retreat to the smouldering ruins of the house along with Little Sister and the pair of Comedy Serfs.
By this point our heroine’s magic is beginning to wane. She is also in terrible pain, exhausted, terrified and slowly dying. She's also probably horny, but more because this is her default state than in response to recent events. This is of course an excellent state of mind in which to master a complex and dangerous piece of magic that no one has been able to figure out since its inventors died centuries ago.
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By this point our heroine’s magic is beginning to wane. She is also in terrible pain, exhausted, terrified and slowly dying. She's also probably horny, but more because this is her default state than in response to recent events. This is of course an excellent state of mind in which to master a complex and dangerous piece of magic that no one has been able to figure out since its inventors died centuries ago.
It goes wrong and they all die horribly. The End.
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It goes wrong and they all die horribly. The End.
Sorry, that was me indulging in a bit of fantasy myself there. Sadly that’s not actually what happens. Instead she has a brief hallucinatory conversation with her inner child who tells her that the only thing she has to fear is fear itself, the fundamental structure of the universe reveals itself to her and she pulls them all through to Faerieland without needing the broken portal.
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Sorry, that was me indulging in a bit of fantasy myself there. Sadly that’s not actually what happens. Instead she has a brief hallucinatory conversation with her inner child who tells her that the only thing she has to fear is fear itself, the fundamental structure of the universe reveals itself to her and she pulls them all through to Faerieland without needing the broken portal.
And at this point I'm overcome by a sudden and overwhelming urge to alphabetise my socks, so I'll leave you there Mastodon. Thank you for being here with me through this excruciating experience.
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And at this point I'm overcome by a sudden and overwhelming urge to alphabetise my socks, so I'll leave you there Mastodon. Thank you for being here with me through this excruciating experience.
We catch up with the party in a crumbling faerieland. As her terrified subjects cower or make a futile attempt to flee the collapse of their entire plane of reality, the Faerie Queen has decided the most useful thing she could be doing is ritually executing Adonis McHardbutt for his treachery in an excellent argument against a system of hereditary monarchy's ability to select good leaders for a crisis.
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We catch up with the party in a crumbling faerieland. As her terrified subjects cower or make a futile attempt to flee the collapse of their entire plane of reality, the Faerie Queen has decided the most useful thing she could be doing is ritually executing Adonis McHardbutt for his treachery in an excellent argument against a system of hereditary monarchy's ability to select good leaders for a crisis.
She has thoughtfully taken the time to remove his shirt for the occasion, in case anyone had forgotten that he's really quite muscular
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She has thoughtfully taken the time to remove his shirt for the occasion, in case anyone had forgotten that he's really quite muscular
As her vision fades and her heart fails, our heroine instructs little sister and the two innocent bystanders who are by now probably seriously regretting taking their employment choices to hide behind a tree root. She then crawls towards the gruesome yet probably still in some way sexy tableau in front of them, instead of asking someone actually capable of walking to do whatever she planned.
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As her vision fades and her heart fails, our heroine instructs little sister and the two innocent bystanders who are by now probably seriously regretting taking their employment choices to hide behind a tree root. She then crawls towards the gruesome yet probably still in some way sexy tableau in front of them, instead of asking someone actually capable of walking to do whatever she planned.
Having learned nothing from the last time she tried this she pleads with the Faerie Queen, who once again responds "Lol nope"
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Having learned nothing from the last time she tried this she pleads with the Faerie Queen, who once again responds "Lol nope"
Suddenly Ice Eyes shows up with his army? Somehow? I thought the point of breaking the portal was to prevent this from happening?
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Suddenly Ice Eyes shows up with his army? Somehow? I thought the point of breaking the portal was to prevent this from happening?
A lot of fighting happens around our heroine while she gets on with quietly dying. Little Sister pops up and LI1, who is the only person who has a clue what's going on at this point probably including the author, figures out she's the Faerie Queen's daughter and tries to take her hostage. Beef SuperNoodle then at long last gets the opportunity to stick something in someone and stabs him, though not effectively enough to shut him up.
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A lot of fighting happens around our heroine while she gets on with quietly dying. Little Sister pops up and LI1, who is the only person who has a clue what's going on at this point probably including the author, figures out she's the Faerie Queen's daughter and tries to take her hostage. Beef SuperNoodle then at long last gets the opportunity to stick something in someone and stabs him, though not effectively enough to shut him up.
By now our heroine is even closer to death, even more exhausted and in even more pain than she was before, and mere minutes from the hour at which she will turn 21 and lose her magic. As we have now established this is the best possible condition in which to master new and complex pieces of magic. Having now gained mastery of the very fabric of the universe itself and learned to travel between realms, she takes the next step that eluded the great witches of old and stops time itself
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By now our heroine is even closer to death, even more exhausted and in even more pain than she was before, and mere minutes from the hour at which she will turn 21 and lose her magic. As we have now established this is the best possible condition in which to master new and complex pieces of magic. Having now gained mastery of the very fabric of the universe itself and learned to travel between realms, she takes the next step that eluded the great witches of old and stops time itself
Her magic is now gone, but having successfully extended the last possible moment, she reaches for the only source of power remaining to her. She finds the guttering ember of her own life force, and channels that energy into restoring the magical McGuffin and saving faerieland knowing that the cost will be her own life.
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Her magic is now gone, but having successfully extended the last possible moment, she reaches for the only source of power remaining to her. She finds the guttering ember of her own life force, and channels that energy into restoring the magical McGuffin and saving faerieland knowing that the cost will be her own life.
As the last spark of her life force flickers out she slides into unconsciousness, and we can only envy her. I don’t think she’s dead, more’s the pity, as this is written in the first person and there are two more chapters to go. I assume there will consist of protracted bonking and I don’t have the stomach right now so I’ll leave it there.
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As the last spark of her life force flickers out she slides into unconsciousness, and we can only envy her. I don’t think she’s dead, more’s the pity, as this is written in the first person and there are two more chapters to go. I assume there will consist of protracted bonking and I don’t have the stomach right now so I’ll leave it there.
Sorry for the extended break folks, my life suddenly got extremely busy with a rather dramatic change in our living situation that I'll post about properly when the dust settles and apocalyptic rainfall that caused flooding, a brownout and a few crucial machines at work to expire quite dramatically. But I'm back now, and I regret to inform you that our heroine survived.
