I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts is feeling lost today because the Court officially is in recess and most of the justices and their staff are away on vacations and he had some plans to spend a week on Martha's Vineyard with his wife but she hasn't communicated with him at all for, what, a couple of months now? and he considered just going to Martha's Vineyard by himself but that would be lonely and besides, she's the one who made the reservations and he has no idea how to even access them and also he's a little worried about getting Dershowitzed by the locals.
#IHopeJohnRoberts is heavily invested in Oracle. https://medium.com/@fahey_james/oracle-just-got-downgraded-and-openai-is-the-reason-why-4c1841fae011
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#IHopeJohnRoberts is heavily invested in Oracle. https://medium.com/@fahey_james/oracle-just-got-downgraded-and-openai-is-the-reason-why-4c1841fae011
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts has a meeting with Elena Kagan and Amy Coney Barrett to debrief their House testimony yesterday about Court security, and he tells them he's really grateful they're advocating for more security and asks whether any of the congresscritters commented on his recent experiences with something leaving dead, crushed rats on his doorstep, or him being detained on a mental health hold in a locked psychiatric facility over the 4th of July weekend without anyone on the Court staff noticing, or about about Alito and Thomas and Kavanaugh threatening him on behalf of a satanic Federalist cult apparently run by Leonard Leo, and as the two women sit there in absolutely stunned silence he remembers that he hasn't actually told anyone about any of these things and so they couldn't have shared them with Congress or gotten him any more security but now they do know and he wonders what will happen to him next, and he decides that since the Court is on summer recess anyway it's probably a really really good time to just get the fuck out of Dodge, and he stands up while they're still sitting there, leaves the building, and goes home before they can call anyone else to get involved.
https://rollcall.com/2026/07/14/supreme-court-justices-emphasize-need-for-security-funding -
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts has a meeting with Elena Kagan and Amy Coney Barrett to debrief their House testimony yesterday about Court security, and he tells them he's really grateful they're advocating for more security and asks whether any of the congresscritters commented on his recent experiences with something leaving dead, crushed rats on his doorstep, or him being detained on a mental health hold in a locked psychiatric facility over the 4th of July weekend without anyone on the Court staff noticing, or about about Alito and Thomas and Kavanaugh threatening him on behalf of a satanic Federalist cult apparently run by Leonard Leo, and as the two women sit there in absolutely stunned silence he remembers that he hasn't actually told anyone about any of these things and so they couldn't have shared them with Congress or gotten him any more security but now they do know and he wonders what will happen to him next, and he decides that since the Court is on summer recess anyway it's probably a really really good time to just get the fuck out of Dodge, and he stands up while they're still sitting there, leaves the building, and goes home before they can call anyone else to get involved.
https://rollcall.com/2026/07/14/supreme-court-justices-emphasize-need-for-security-fundingThis morning when he woke up #IHopeJohnRoberts realized Kagan and Barrett had squealed on him because his phone had 79 messages from people expressing concern, and when he looked out his bedroom window to see what kind of day it was he noticed several black Explorers parked down the block with men in dark glasses inside them, and so he just threw some clothes, a picture of his family, and the emergency cash they kept in a fake soup can into a duffle bag, pulled the brim of his favorite Bohemian Grove ballcap low over his face, and slipped out his back door and across his neighbor's yard, beginning his summer vacation earlier than planned but with a jolt of adrenaline and uncertainty that actually made him feel happy for the first time in quite a while.
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This morning when he woke up #IHopeJohnRoberts realized Kagan and Barrett had squealed on him because his phone had 79 messages from people expressing concern, and when he looked out his bedroom window to see what kind of day it was he noticed several black Explorers parked down the block with men in dark glasses inside them, and so he just threw some clothes, a picture of his family, and the emergency cash they kept in a fake soup can into a duffle bag, pulled the brim of his favorite Bohemian Grove ballcap low over his face, and slipped out his back door and across his neighbor's yard, beginning his summer vacation earlier than planned but with a jolt of adrenaline and uncertainty that actually made him feel happy for the first time in quite a while.
This morning when he awoke on a sprung mattress in the 7th and K Street rent-by-the-hour motel room he paid cash for last night, #IHopeJohnRoberts retained yesterday's sense of giggly excitement at his unexpected escape from expectations, and that after disingenuously texting his assistant that he was taking the vacation his wife had scheduled to Martha's Vineyard, he then stepped without concern over the crushed dead rat someone or something had left on the threshold of his motel room, smashed his phone under his heel, dropped it in an outdoor waste can on top of the empty malt liquor bottles and used condoms and syringes, and, toting his duffel and wearing his Bohemian Grove ballcap, walked cheerfully, whistling, in the direction of the bus station, stopping at a used bookstore along the way for a slightly dog-eared paperback copy of Kerouac's "On the Road."
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This morning when he awoke on a sprung mattress in the 7th and K Street rent-by-the-hour motel room he paid cash for last night, #IHopeJohnRoberts retained yesterday's sense of giggly excitement at his unexpected escape from expectations, and that after disingenuously texting his assistant that he was taking the vacation his wife had scheduled to Martha's Vineyard, he then stepped without concern over the crushed dead rat someone or something had left on the threshold of his motel room, smashed his phone under his heel, dropped it in an outdoor waste can on top of the empty malt liquor bottles and used condoms and syringes, and, toting his duffel and wearing his Bohemian Grove ballcap, walked cheerfully, whistling, in the direction of the bus station, stopping at a used bookstore along the way for a slightly dog-eared paperback copy of Kerouac's "On the Road."
When he got to Union Station, #IHopeJohnRoberts understood that the best way for him not to be recognized or tracked was to travel by bus, so he found his way to the Greyhound/FlixBus area and bought a ticket for cash on the first bus to someplace reasonably far away, which is how he finds himself en route to Portland, Maine in a surprisingly comfortable seat next to a talkative, sprightly, older woman who immediately launches into a hilarious, hourslong explanation of the drama in her church and large family circle, all in some Eastern European language he does not understand.
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When he got to Union Station, #IHopeJohnRoberts understood that the best way for him not to be recognized or tracked was to travel by bus, so he found his way to the Greyhound/FlixBus area and bought a ticket for cash on the first bus to someplace reasonably far away, which is how he finds himself en route to Portland, Maine in a surprisingly comfortable seat next to a talkative, sprightly, older woman who immediately launches into a hilarious, hourslong explanation of the drama in her church and large family circle, all in some Eastern European language he does not understand.
#IHopeJohnRoberts falls into a pleasant sleep in his surprisingly comfy Greyhound bus seat, finally just letting all his anxieties fall away for a blissful while, and so doesn't notice that his bus to Portland isn't passing through Baltimore and Wilmington and then New York, but rather Frederick and Cumberland and Morgantown. #PWM #PDX
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#IHopeJohnRoberts falls into a pleasant sleep in his surprisingly comfy Greyhound bus seat, finally just letting all his anxieties fall away for a blissful while, and so doesn't notice that his bus to Portland isn't passing through Baltimore and Wilmington and then New York, but rather Frederick and Cumberland and Morgantown. #PWM #PDX
@msbellows on his way to oregon?
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@msbellows on his way to oregon?
@Dougfir I mean, he thought he was going to Maine, but...
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@Dougfir I mean, he thought he was going to Maine, but...
@msbellows
I'm biased but he will have a nice time out west. -
@msbellows
I'm biased but he will have a nice time out west.@Dougfir He'll have an interesting time, anyway. I'm looking forward to moving him around my hometown.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts falls into a pleasant sleep in his surprisingly comfy Greyhound bus seat, finally just letting all his anxieties fall away for a blissful while, and so doesn't notice that his bus to Portland isn't passing through Baltimore and Wilmington and then New York, but rather Frederick and Cumberland and Morgantown. #PWM #PDX
When his Greyhound bus finally stops somewhere long enough for a meal, #IHopeJohnRoberts is mildly puzzled because he doesn't remember there being a town called Columbus between D.C. and Portland, Maine, but ofc there are lots of Columbuses and he's so engrossed in his book (Kerouac's "On the Road") that he thinks no more about it and keeps his nose buried in his paperback while scarfing his hamburger and then gets back on the bus and continues reading as it speeds him on towards Indianapolis.
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When his Greyhound bus finally stops somewhere long enough for a meal, #IHopeJohnRoberts is mildly puzzled because he doesn't remember there being a town called Columbus between D.C. and Portland, Maine, but ofc there are lots of Columbuses and he's so engrossed in his book (Kerouac's "On the Road") that he thinks no more about it and keeps his nose buried in his paperback while scarfing his hamburger and then gets back on the bus and continues reading as it speeds him on towards Indianapolis.
#IHopeJohnRoberts 's really pretty good-tasting lunch hamburger was topped with unwashed #cyclospora-tainted lettuce so that he spends several hours in the Greyhound bus's tiny lavatory instead of gazing out the big window, and therefore he continues not to realize that his secret independent trip to "Portland, Maine" has just taken him through Indianapolis and that he's now en route to Peoria.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts 's really pretty good-tasting lunch hamburger was topped with unwashed #cyclospora-tainted lettuce so that he spends several hours in the Greyhound bus's tiny lavatory instead of gazing out the big window, and therefore he continues not to realize that his secret independent trip to "Portland, Maine" has just taken him through Indianapolis and that he's now en route to Peoria.
Now #IHopeJohnRoberts 's intestinal upset continues, and that the TP in the tiny (and now smelly) bathroom on the Greyhound bus is super scratchy.
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Now #IHopeJohnRoberts 's intestinal upset continues, and that the TP in the tiny (and now smelly) bathroom on the Greyhound bus is super scratchy.
Yeah, the toilet tissue keeps ripping through, and the tiny Greyhound bus lavatory is out of soap.
#IHopeJohnRoberts -
Yeah, the toilet tissue keeps ripping through, and the tiny Greyhound bus lavatory is out of soap.
#IHopeJohnRoberts#IHopeJohnRoberts 's Greyhound bus makes a long stop in Kansas City and he finally realizes he's going to Portland, Oregon and not Portland, Maine, and he feels really stupid both for his initial mistake and for not realizing it earlier, but also he's finally recovering from his intestinal problem and is super hungry, so he buys some spare ribs at a nearby barbecue joint filled with Black people near the bus station and oh my god it's so good he no longer even minds his accidental adventure and he stays there well after finishing his meal, just enjoying the music and watching people very unlike those he usually associates with but actually not so different, until the proprietor, a bald man with massive guns and wearing a pristine clean apron, very courteously explains that people are waiting for his table, and he apologizes and goes outside and stands on the sidewalk for a long while, savoring the sense of simply not giving any fucks at all about any of his usual concerns, and then he walks back to the bus station, confirms that his ticket will allow him to get on a later bus if he wants, fetches his small duffel bag and his paperback copy of "On The Road," and walks back out into the town, with no idea what he'll do next.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts 's Greyhound bus makes a long stop in Kansas City and he finally realizes he's going to Portland, Oregon and not Portland, Maine, and he feels really stupid both for his initial mistake and for not realizing it earlier, but also he's finally recovering from his intestinal problem and is super hungry, so he buys some spare ribs at a nearby barbecue joint filled with Black people near the bus station and oh my god it's so good he no longer even minds his accidental adventure and he stays there well after finishing his meal, just enjoying the music and watching people very unlike those he usually associates with but actually not so different, until the proprietor, a bald man with massive guns and wearing a pristine clean apron, very courteously explains that people are waiting for his table, and he apologizes and goes outside and stands on the sidewalk for a long while, savoring the sense of simply not giving any fucks at all about any of his usual concerns, and then he walks back to the bus station, confirms that his ticket will allow him to get on a later bus if he wants, fetches his small duffel bag and his paperback copy of "On The Road," and walks back out into the town, with no idea what he'll do next.
As he wanders around downtown Kansas City near the bus station, trying to remain anonymous and wondering what to do next, #IHopeJohnRoberts has trouble finding a motel or hotel that will accept him without showing ID or leaving a credit card and therefore creating a record that would lead to him being discovered and his adventure cut short, and when he finally does find one that will take cash without ID, the room smells funny and once he's inside and unpacking he realizes that in every hidden place, behind the curtains, on the shower rail, in the closet, under the bed, even tucked into the Gideon bible at John 3:16 like a bookmark for God's sake, the proprietor has hidden those little pine tree-shaped automotive air fresheners, which end up making the room reek like a forest had a baby with mothballs, and because he has no choice he stays there anyway but as he falls asleep tonight he wonders how long ago someone died in that room and how long it had taken before they were discovered and whether the owners had replaced the carpet and mattress or just cleaned them.
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As he wanders around downtown Kansas City near the bus station, trying to remain anonymous and wondering what to do next, #IHopeJohnRoberts has trouble finding a motel or hotel that will accept him without showing ID or leaving a credit card and therefore creating a record that would lead to him being discovered and his adventure cut short, and when he finally does find one that will take cash without ID, the room smells funny and once he's inside and unpacking he realizes that in every hidden place, behind the curtains, on the shower rail, in the closet, under the bed, even tucked into the Gideon bible at John 3:16 like a bookmark for God's sake, the proprietor has hidden those little pine tree-shaped automotive air fresheners, which end up making the room reek like a forest had a baby with mothballs, and because he has no choice he stays there anyway but as he falls asleep tonight he wonders how long ago someone died in that room and how long it had taken before they were discovered and whether the owners had replaced the carpet and mattress or just cleaned them.
@msbellows Have you thought of collecting these & editing them into a short story or novel? JR's no good very bad misadventure or something?
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As he wanders around downtown Kansas City near the bus station, trying to remain anonymous and wondering what to do next, #IHopeJohnRoberts has trouble finding a motel or hotel that will accept him without showing ID or leaving a credit card and therefore creating a record that would lead to him being discovered and his adventure cut short, and when he finally does find one that will take cash without ID, the room smells funny and once he's inside and unpacking he realizes that in every hidden place, behind the curtains, on the shower rail, in the closet, under the bed, even tucked into the Gideon bible at John 3:16 like a bookmark for God's sake, the proprietor has hidden those little pine tree-shaped automotive air fresheners, which end up making the room reek like a forest had a baby with mothballs, and because he has no choice he stays there anyway but as he falls asleep tonight he wonders how long ago someone died in that room and how long it had taken before they were discovered and whether the owners had replaced the carpet and mattress or just cleaned them.
#IHopeJohnRoberts's ridiculously low-rent motel room in K.C. is right next to a large Black Baptist church that holds its first Sunday service at 6 a.m., and also that his room has no air conditioning so he slept with his window open, and the gorgeous but very loud and very awake choir got him up bright and early so he thought what the hell, threw on clothes, stepped over the crushed dead rat on the threshold of his room without noticing it, and went and sat in the back of the church, where people gave him puzzled smiles at his whiteness and stranger-ness and casual clothes, but still seemed nice, and all through the service he just quietly thought about things, left $20 in the distribution, and then quietly slipped out at the end.
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#IHopeJohnRoberts's ridiculously low-rent motel room in K.C. is right next to a large Black Baptist church that holds its first Sunday service at 6 a.m., and also that his room has no air conditioning so he slept with his window open, and the gorgeous but very loud and very awake choir got him up bright and early so he thought what the hell, threw on clothes, stepped over the crushed dead rat on the threshold of his room without noticing it, and went and sat in the back of the church, where people gave him puzzled smiles at his whiteness and stranger-ness and casual clothes, but still seemed nice, and all through the service he just quietly thought about things, left $20 in the distribution, and then quietly slipped out at the end.
As he continues walking around Kansas City with absolutely no purpose besides just being, #IHopeJohnRoberts hears a garbage truck rumbling and clattering on the next block, which reminds him of how homely and comforting it used to feel to be in his own home cozy in bed with his wife and hearing the early garbage truck come to take away whatever was unwanted and unneeded in their life, and he suddenly is struck by a tsunami of homesickness and loneliness and has to duck into an alley and slide down a wall until he is seated on the dirty ground with his knees pulled up protectively around his bowed head, just weathering the wave of unexpected and poignant emotion.
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As he continues walking around Kansas City with absolutely no purpose besides just being, #IHopeJohnRoberts hears a garbage truck rumbling and clattering on the next block, which reminds him of how homely and comforting it used to feel to be in his own home cozy in bed with his wife and hearing the early garbage truck come to take away whatever was unwanted and unneeded in their life, and he suddenly is struck by a tsunami of homesickness and loneliness and has to duck into an alley and slide down a wall until he is seated on the dirty ground with his knees pulled up protectively around his bowed head, just weathering the wave of unexpected and poignant emotion.
After he recovers from his unexpected bout of nostalgia and loneliness, #IHopeJohnRoberts notices that right next to where he's sitting on the ground in the filthy Kansas City alley is yet another dead rat, and although he has no idea whether it is one of the weirdly crushed rats that kept showing up on his doorstep back home and that Scalia and Thomas threatened him with that one weird day in his chambers after he voted against Trump that time, or is just a typical random big city alleyway dead rat, he nevertheless briefly wonders what he possibly could have done to constantly be troubled by dead rats, but he can't think of anything he's ever actually done wrong (despite what his priest, children, and wife have tried to tell him), so he sets that troubling thought aside, gets up, and continues walking down the sidewalk, just another privileged white man blithely exploring the inner city like he's a tourist in the Global South or something.
