I know I've said it before but while in general I am a fan of the fact that romantasy as a genre exists, and popular culture is finally acknowledging that women get horny and like sex, I wish it didn't mean formulaic heterosmut now has to be shoehorned...
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A lot of fighting happens around our heroine while she gets on with quietly dying. Little Sister pops up and LI1, who is the only person who has a clue what's going on at this point probably including the author, figures out she's the Faerie Queen's daughter and tries to take her hostage. Beef SuperNoodle then at long last gets the opportunity to stick something in someone and stabs him, though not effectively enough to shut him up.
By now our heroine is even closer to death, even more exhausted and in even more pain than she was before, and mere minutes from the hour at which she will turn 21 and lose her magic. As we have now established this is the best possible condition in which to master new and complex pieces of magic. Having now gained mastery of the very fabric of the universe itself and learned to travel between realms, she takes the next step that eluded the great witches of old and stops time itself
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By now our heroine is even closer to death, even more exhausted and in even more pain than she was before, and mere minutes from the hour at which she will turn 21 and lose her magic. As we have now established this is the best possible condition in which to master new and complex pieces of magic. Having now gained mastery of the very fabric of the universe itself and learned to travel between realms, she takes the next step that eluded the great witches of old and stops time itself
Her magic is now gone, but having successfully extended the last possible moment, she reaches for the only source of power remaining to her. She finds the guttering ember of her own life force, and channels that energy into restoring the magical McGuffin and saving faerieland knowing that the cost will be her own life.
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Her magic is now gone, but having successfully extended the last possible moment, she reaches for the only source of power remaining to her. She finds the guttering ember of her own life force, and channels that energy into restoring the magical McGuffin and saving faerieland knowing that the cost will be her own life.
As the last spark of her life force flickers out she slides into unconsciousness, and we can only envy her. I don’t think she’s dead, more’s the pity, as this is written in the first person and there are two more chapters to go. I assume there will consist of protracted bonking and I don’t have the stomach right now so I’ll leave it there.
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As the last spark of her life force flickers out she slides into unconsciousness, and we can only envy her. I don’t think she’s dead, more’s the pity, as this is written in the first person and there are two more chapters to go. I assume there will consist of protracted bonking and I don’t have the stomach right now so I’ll leave it there.
Sorry for the extended break folks, my life suddenly got extremely busy with a rather dramatic change in our living situation that I'll post about properly when the dust settles and apocalyptic rainfall that caused flooding, a brownout and a few crucial machines at work to expire quite dramatically. But I'm back now, and I regret to inform you that our heroine survived.
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Sorry for the extended break folks, my life suddenly got extremely busy with a rather dramatic change in our living situation that I'll post about properly when the dust settles and apocalyptic rainfall that caused flooding, a brownout and a few crucial machines at work to expire quite dramatically. But I'm back now, and I regret to inform you that our heroine survived.
She wakes up in a luxurious bed provided by the Faerie Queen, who has now stopped threatening her with spiders and fear and pain beyond her imagination and is instead giving her nice clothes and shoes and a faerie ladies maid, presumably to make up for the fact the the housekeeper and stablehand who came with her to faerieland are never mentioned again so I guess the faeries ate them or something
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She wakes up in a luxurious bed provided by the Faerie Queen, who has now stopped threatening her with spiders and fear and pain beyond her imagination and is instead giving her nice clothes and shoes and a faerie ladies maid, presumably to make up for the fact the the housekeeper and stablehand who came with her to faerieland are never mentioned again so I guess the faeries ate them or something
Turns out she saved everyone! Hurrah! Except possibly for the two domestics who are too boring and unsexy to count.
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Turns out she saved everyone! Hurrah! Except possibly for the two domestics who are too boring and unsexy to count.
She learns that while she was unconscious she managed to kill Mr Tall Pale and Sinister because his heart was bound to hers, so when she used her life energy to restore the magical thingamajig she actually spent his instead. Because just as our heroine is a Good Girl who can drool over Slab McChungus's breeches clad backside but is only allowed to actually express desire while enchanted, apparently she can't do something bad like deliberately choosing to kill someone while conscious either
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She learns that while she was unconscious she managed to kill Mr Tall Pale and Sinister because his heart was bound to hers, so when she used her life energy to restore the magical thingamajig she actually spent his instead. Because just as our heroine is a Good Girl who can drool over Slab McChungus's breeches clad backside but is only allowed to actually express desire while enchanted, apparently she can't do something bad like deliberately choosing to kill someone while conscious either
The Faerie Queen informs her that she has decided to sever Faerieland's connection to the mortal realm forever, to stop shit like this from ever happening again and also possibly because she's seen what passes for fiction in our realm and is horrified. This means that Mechanically Recovered Beef is now free of his familial obligation to defend the portal and can live his life as he pleases.
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The Faerie Queen informs her that she has decided to sever Faerieland's connection to the mortal realm forever, to stop shit like this from ever happening again and also possibly because she's seen what passes for fiction in our realm and is horrified. This means that Mechanically Recovered Beef is now free of his familial obligation to defend the portal and can live his life as he pleases.
They decide to go off travelling together, and fair enough after everything that’s happened they could probably do with a bit of a holiday.
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They decide to go off travelling together, and fair enough after everything that’s happened they could probably do with a bit of a holiday.
But I can’t help feeling our heroine is just 21, at the beginning of her career, and has not only replicated the feats of the great witches of previous centuries but surpassed them. The very structure of the universe has revealed itself to her, she has attained mastery of not just space but also time. At this point her ambitions should probably stretch a little beyond a gentle self-paced walking holiday in the Dolomites, you know?
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But I can’t help feeling our heroine is just 21, at the beginning of her career, and has not only replicated the feats of the great witches of previous centuries but surpassed them. The very structure of the universe has revealed itself to her, she has attained mastery of not just space but also time. At this point her ambitions should probably stretch a little beyond a gentle self-paced walking holiday in the Dolomites, you know?
This also means that Little Sister will have to choose which of the two realms she wants to spend the rest of her life in, a choice that given how paternalistically involved her brother has been in all her other major life decisions he seems remarkably relaxed about?
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This also means that Little Sister will have to choose which of the two realms she wants to spend the rest of her life in, a choice that given how paternalistically involved her brother has been in all her other major life decisions he seems remarkably relaxed about?
Like I know some 10 year olds. If you told them to choose between a world in which they were a faerie princess who could do magic and be waited on 24/7 by subjects too scared to contradict them, and a world where they would have a sensible bedtime enforced and be told to wear shoes and eat vegetables, I know which most would pick, I know which would be best for them, and I know the answers wouldn't be the same.
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Like I know some 10 year olds. If you told them to choose between a world in which they were a faerie princess who could do magic and be waited on 24/7 by subjects too scared to contradict them, and a world where they would have a sensible bedtime enforced and be told to wear shoes and eat vegetables, I know which most would pick, I know which would be best for them, and I know the answers wouldn't be the same.
We never find out which one she chooses by the way, just like we never find out what happened to the servants or how our heroine's parents died. I am desperately hoping that this is because the author has the short term memory of a stick of celery and not because a sequel is threatened.
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We never find out which one she chooses by the way, just like we never find out what happened to the servants or how our heroine's parents died. I am desperately hoping that this is because the author has the short term memory of a stick of celery and not because a sequel is threatened.
@afewbugs If there's a sequel, can we somehow cajole you into reading it?
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We never find out which one she chooses by the way, just like we never find out what happened to the servants or how our heroine's parents died. I am desperately hoping that this is because the author has the short term memory of a stick of celery and not because a sequel is threatened.
But the most annoying thing, the most mindboggling thing, the thing that has completely shattered my understanding of what I believed to be the point of slogging through 39 excruciatingly stupid chapters of excruciatingly stupid text in this excruciatingly stupid book is
THEY NEVER ACTUALLY FUCK
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But the most annoying thing, the most mindboggling thing, the thing that has completely shattered my understanding of what I believed to be the point of slogging through 39 excruciatingly stupid chapters of excruciatingly stupid text in this excruciatingly stupid book is
THEY NEVER ACTUALLY FUCK
@afewbugs Maybe the author is an energy vampire..:?
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But the most annoying thing, the most mindboggling thing, the thing that has completely shattered my understanding of what I believed to be the point of slogging through 39 excruciatingly stupid chapters of excruciatingly stupid text in this excruciatingly stupid book is
THEY NEVER ACTUALLY FUCK
Let me be perfectly clear, I did not want to read about them fucking. A large part of the fact I put off reading these last two chapters for so long is that I fully expected them to fuck, I fully expected it to be as arousing a read as the average autopsy report, and my life has been busy and and stressful enough as it was without the time I anticipated having to spend in a dark, quiet room with a cold compress over my Good Seeing Eyes to recover from what I expected to read.
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Let me be perfectly clear, I did not want to read about them fucking. A large part of the fact I put off reading these last two chapters for so long is that I fully expected them to fuck, I fully expected it to be as arousing a read as the average autopsy report, and my life has been busy and and stressful enough as it was without the time I anticipated having to spend in a dark, quiet room with a cold compress over my Good Seeing Eyes to recover from what I expected to read.
But my entire understanding of the reason that someone wrote this thing, someone published this thing and that an economically viable number of presumably horny young women devoted hours of their one wild and precious lives to reading this abomination was the hope that there would eventually be a scene where he inserted his beefy meat stick into her aching void and there isn't.
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But my entire understanding of the reason that someone wrote this thing, someone published this thing and that an economically viable number of presumably horny young women devoted hours of their one wild and precious lives to reading this abomination was the hope that there would eventually be a scene where he inserted his beefy meat stick into her aching void and there isn't.
Like I started this thread feeling a bit bad that I was criticising something for not being the fantasy I'd hoped for, and thinking maybe I was being unfair because it was a romantasy instead. BUT IT ISN'T EVEN A GOOD ROMANTASY?What was the point? What's the point of anything? Nothing makes sense anymore. Meaning is an illusion. There is no point. Excuse me while I spiral into a nihilistic void, which may or may not be desperately yearning to be filled.
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Like I started this thread feeling a bit bad that I was criticising something for not being the fantasy I'd hoped for, and thinking maybe I was being unfair because it was a romantasy instead. BUT IT ISN'T EVEN A GOOD ROMANTASY?What was the point? What's the point of anything? Nothing makes sense anymore. Meaning is an illusion. There is no point. Excuse me while I spiral into a nihilistic void, which may or may not be desperately yearning to be filled.
In conclusion, do not read this book. Please. Save yourselves, it's too late for me.
