A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess).
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette I think she needs to start mentioning how his baby clothes, toys etc are still relevant as pop-culture hasn't had time to move on yet.
EDIT: OM MY FUCKING GOD. FINDING NEMO IS FROM 2003. BEFORE THIS 20YR OLD WAS BORN!
edit: I feel so old right now.
edit: FFS. The Dark Knight, the third Shrek movie and Iron Man are all from 2008. And on my "to watch when I get to it" list. That's the year that girl was born.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parentingMy suggestion to her in this specific case is: give them tickets for a longish (3 months) trip, because this will make or break the relationship. If they're still together after 3 months of traveling together, then maybe marriage will work out and we're just being downers.
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@juliette I think she needs to start mentioning how his baby clothes, toys etc are still relevant as pop-culture hasn't had time to move on yet.
EDIT: OM MY FUCKING GOD. FINDING NEMO IS FROM 2003. BEFORE THIS 20YR OLD WAS BORN!
edit: I feel so old right now.
edit: FFS. The Dark Knight, the third Shrek movie and Iron Man are all from 2008. And on my "to watch when I get to it" list. That's the year that girl was born.
@Pepijn I think she's afraid this will instead lead a an actual baby being born, making the relationship somewhat permanent (you can divorce, but you can't stop co-parenting!)
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My suggestion to her in this specific case is: give them tickets for a longish (3 months) trip, because this will make or break the relationship. If they're still together after 3 months of traveling together, then maybe marriage will work out and we're just being downers.
@juliette Does Flixbus have an #interrail type three month global ticket? That'll do it.
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My suggestion to her in this specific case is: give them tickets for a longish (3 months) trip, because this will make or break the relationship. If they're still together after 3 months of traveling together, then maybe marriage will work out and we're just being downers.
@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
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@Pepijn I think she's afraid this will instead lead a an actual baby being born, making the relationship somewhat permanent (you can divorce, but you can't stop co-parenting!)
I don’t think there’s any good nudge option here. Those kids know society will look at them as too young. Probably best option is to just keep the channel of communication open and trusting in case things go south. And maybe prepare to be an involved (and young!) grandparent. There are worse things.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parentinghave they been living together? Like, on their own together?
If it were my child, I'd suggest they cohabit for a year before setting a date and figure things out and get comfortable like that first and then they can enjoy married life much more because they'll have already established routines and figured each other out. -
A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette tell them you’ll pay for the party and the honeymoon, in 2032
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My suggestion to her in this specific case is: give them tickets for a longish (3 months) trip, because this will make or break the relationship. If they're still together after 3 months of traveling together, then maybe marriage will work out and we're just being downers.
@juliette Great suggestion!
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parentingYou can't. Yes they are young, but they are also adults and have to make their own mistakes. Even when we as parents can see the issues from several miles away.
Our job is to help pick up the pieces afterwards.
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have they been living together? Like, on their own together?
If it were my child, I'd suggest they cohabit for a year before setting a date and figure things out and get comfortable like that first and then they can enjoy married life much more because they'll have already established routines and figured each other out.@fritzoids kinda? Like, they live together, but are also both down the street from their parents' homes (this is a small town) and rely a lot on them. Maybe I can suggest to my friend that she give them a washing machine of their own to prove they can do laundry before they pledge themselves to each other.
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@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
@Branwen74 @juliette And don't forget packing a slightly too small bag and/or tent: camping in bad weather is a nice test as well.
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette IKEA is the standard method for testing relationships i think. It has it all; communication in a stressful environment, compatibility in style/preference, teamwork on assembling the furniture when they get home ect...
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette Not an exact answer to the question, but why is that such a bad idea? Having children means you will have more time to enjoy life later in life, you have more strength to raise children (getting up at random times during the night, etc) and there are excellent conditions for having children during education, (if its in Denmark).
(Okay, I am also skeptical because my in-laws advised my wife not to marry me, and I still bear some grudge after 14 years
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My suggestion to her in this specific case is: give them tickets for a longish (3 months) trip, because this will make or break the relationship. If they're still together after 3 months of traveling together, then maybe marriage will work out and we're just being downers.
@juliette
That is quite brilliant. Also gives them both a chance to get out and "see the world" including a whole bunch of interesting folk they never knew existed. They may see making a life-long decision right now as less compelling in that light.
I do a little tour guiding each year, and I see a lot of wild stuff between couple when they travel. It's also good for my marriage because after two weeks with any random group of strangers I am reminded of how lucky I am to have married my lovely wife! -
@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
@Branwen74 @juliette when my wife was still a girlfriend we went hiking and such. Sharing a tent, pooing in the bushes and such are good tests for the relationship. And as a Finn I sort of tested her by taking her to winter swimming. A bit over minus ten Celsius and when she went from sauna to the sea I knew she was the one
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@fritzoids kinda? Like, they live together, but are also both down the street from their parents' homes (this is a small town) and rely a lot on them. Maybe I can suggest to my friend that she give them a washing machine of their own to prove they can do laundry before they pledge themselves to each other.
oh dear. Then I'm seconding the suggestion to have them go on a longish vacation together. Sell it to them as seeing the world before life catches up with them.
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@juliette This is not a bad idea. They must include a canoetrip. You know, a two person in one boat thing. That is a very good test. Almost as good as wallpapering a room together.
@Branwen74 a canoe trip as well as a tandem bicycle... Baptism of FIRE for any relationship.
(we overheard a couple in a canoe, one of them shouted "Why do you DEFY ME!!!")
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@Branwen74 a canoe trip as well as a tandem bicycle... Baptism of FIRE for any relationship.
(we overheard a couple in a canoe, one of them shouted "Why do you DEFY ME!!!")
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A friend of mine has a 20 year old son who just got engaged to his 18 year old girlfriend (fiancée I guess). Friend thinks (probably rightly) that they are much too young to get married, but she also knows that the moment she says so out loud the You Can't Tell Me What To Do reaction will most likely make them double-down.
So, parents of the fediverse: how do you nudge an adult child away from a bad move without it backfiring?
#parenting@juliette I don't think you can.
I think you can have a conversation where you state your concern framed as "you are an adult so this is absolutely your decision and I respect that but this is why I'm worried"My father had this conversation with me when I was 17 and it worked to make me get some perspective.
