I know I've said it before but while in general I am a fan of the fact that romantasy as a genre exists, and popular culture is finally acknowledging that women get horny and like sex, I wish it didn't mean formulaic heterosmut now has to be shoehorned...
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But they have fun chasing him around the stables as he gets hot and sweaty and starts panting and loosening the collar of his shirt, then they share an intimate moment of connection lying on some hay together even though by this point he probably smells like a sweaty gym sock.
Right. Here we go again. I've been known to read an entire trilogy in a long weekend, I can't believe how long it's taking me to wade through this single relatively slim but excruciating book.
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Right. Here we go again. I've been known to read an entire trilogy in a long weekend, I can't believe how long it's taking me to wade through this single relatively slim but excruciating book.
So our heroine casts a truth spell in the hope of getting Delts McBeefsteak to give her some clues on how to steal the magical thingummybob, but instead he ends up confessing that he loves her. this all feels unpleasantly non consensual, and she at least feels sufficiently guilty afterwards to go and tell Love Interest The First that the deal's off, she'll accept losing her magic.
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So our heroine casts a truth spell in the hope of getting Delts McBeefsteak to give her some clues on how to steal the magical thingummybob, but instead he ends up confessing that he loves her. this all feels unpleasantly non consensual, and she at least feels sufficiently guilty afterwards to go and tell Love Interest The First that the deal's off, she'll accept losing her magic.
Having apparently anticipated this he has conveniently kidnapped Little Sister, who is happily eating tea and cake with him until she bursts in on them. He then casts a sleeping spell on her, and if he has a spell that makes ten years olds sleep on command I'm surprised he's wasting time with evil machinations instead of getting richer than God selling it to parents across the land.
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Having apparently anticipated this he has conveniently kidnapped Little Sister, who is happily eating tea and cake with him until she bursts in on them. He then casts a sleeping spell on her, and if he has a spell that makes ten years olds sleep on command I'm surprised he's wasting time with evil machinations instead of getting richer than God selling it to parents across the land.
As little sister snoozes she attempts to renegotiate the deal and gets a little light torture and her heart somehow bound to him for her pains, but eventually gets out and brings little sister home. I am not looking forward to finding out how the heart thing will become important later but I'm sure it will.
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As little sister snoozes she attempts to renegotiate the deal and gets a little light torture and her heart somehow bound to him for her pains, but eventually gets out and brings little sister home. I am not looking forward to finding out how the heart thing will become important later but I'm sure it will.
LI2 is grateful, and a lot of intense eye contact and mutual pining occurs. It turns out that dead Mum's Shawl wasn't in fact a crucial clue, she just pinched it to mend it for him.
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LI2 is grateful, and a lot of intense eye contact and mutual pining occurs. It turns out that dead Mum's Shawl wasn't in fact a crucial clue, she just pinched it to mend it for him.
I feel like the author has rather fundamentally misunderstood the nature of sentimental mementos of lost loved ones here. When my Nan passed away, after the funeral I pocketed one of her battered wooden strawberry fridge magnets because it reminded me of happy childhood memories of playing in her kitchen. If someone decided to pinch that and repaint it because they fancied me I would not be held accountable for the consequences.
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I feel like the author has rather fundamentally misunderstood the nature of sentimental mementos of lost loved ones here. When my Nan passed away, after the funeral I pocketed one of her battered wooden strawberry fridge magnets because it reminded me of happy childhood memories of playing in her kitchen. If someone decided to pinch that and repaint it because they fancied me I would not be held accountable for the consequences.
He is, however, delighted and in return gives her a powerful magical item that she’s been hankering after ever since the very beginning of the book, when her patron took her to Fantasy Harrods and bought her a bunch of expensive outfits and magic items but couldn’t stretch to this one. I failed to note the likely future importance of this object or post about this scene because the only thing duller than shopping is reading about someone else shopping and I rather zoned out for a chapter.
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He is, however, delighted and in return gives her a powerful magical item that she’s been hankering after ever since the very beginning of the book, when her patron took her to Fantasy Harrods and bought her a bunch of expensive outfits and magic items but couldn’t stretch to this one. I failed to note the likely future importance of this object or post about this scene because the only thing duller than shopping is reading about someone else shopping and I rather zoned out for a chapter.
He then decides vows be damned, he's going to get some action. She in turn is overcome by desperate, primal need. Several paragraphs are dedicated to the way their hands explore each others' bodies, phrased in a disconcertingly disembodied way that puts me in mind of Thing from the Adams Family. It is at this point that she decides now is the perfect moment to tell him that she's working with LI1 to steal the magical doohickey he's oath bound to protect.
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He then decides vows be damned, he's going to get some action. She in turn is overcome by desperate, primal need. Several paragraphs are dedicated to the way their hands explore each others' bodies, phrased in a disconcertingly disembodied way that puts me in mind of Thing from the Adams Family. It is at this point that she decides now is the perfect moment to tell him that she's working with LI1 to steal the magical doohickey he's oath bound to protect.
Unsurprisingly really, he's not terribly happy about this.
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Unsurprisingly really, he's not terribly happy about this.
He restrains her in a thoroughly unsexy way, and seriously for a book whose author has up to this point been playing Mildly Spicy Trope Bingo she really missed an open goal here.
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He restrains her in a thoroughly unsexy way, and seriously for a book whose author has up to this point been playing Mildly Spicy Trope Bingo she really missed an open goal here.
She eventually frees herself, dashes to the portal as fast as she can and passes through it, pausing only briefly on the other side to change into a fancy frock to infiltrate the faerie ball unnoticed. Why she bothered doing this is anyone's guess because as soon as she spots the fae queen menacing her solid and manly beau she throws herself on her mercy, pleads for his release and says she is the one responsible for everything.
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She eventually frees herself, dashes to the portal as fast as she can and passes through it, pausing only briefly on the other side to change into a fancy frock to infiltrate the faerie ball unnoticed. Why she bothered doing this is anyone's guess because as soon as she spots the fae queen menacing her solid and manly beau she throws herself on her mercy, pleads for his release and says she is the one responsible for everything.
The fae queen basically replies “I know you are you dipshit” and chucks her in a birdcage, where she will languish until I can summon the will to continue.
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The fae queen basically replies “I know you are you dipshit” and chucks her in a birdcage, where she will languish until I can summon the will to continue.
Time to return to our captive heroine, after completing all the domestic chores I could reasonably procrastinate with. I would like to thank the author of this atrocity for the notable improvement in my housekeeping standards avoiding it has produced these past two weekends.
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Time to return to our captive heroine, after completing all the domestic chores I could reasonably procrastinate with. I would like to thank the author of this atrocity for the notable improvement in my housekeeping standards avoiding it has produced these past two weekends.
Just when all seems lost and our heroine is lamenting what a complete cluterfuck she has made of her quest, the palace starts falling apart. As the walls shudder then crumble Whiskas Meaty Chunks appears to break her out of her cage and reveal that he has in fact stolen the magical whatchamacallit to free them both.
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Just when all seems lost and our heroine is lamenting what a complete cluterfuck she has made of her quest, the palace starts falling apart. As the walls shudder then crumble Whiskas Meaty Chunks appears to break her out of her cage and reveal that he has in fact stolen the magical whatchamacallit to free them both.
If they'd actually had a sensible conversation four chapters ago and agreed to nick it together instead of alternately perving each others' arses and silently feeling guilty/brooding [delete as appropriate] this whole mess could probably have been avoided.
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If they'd actually had a sensible conversation four chapters ago and agreed to nick it together instead of alternately perving each others' arses and silently feeling guilty/brooding [delete as appropriate] this whole mess could probably have been avoided.
Some heavy petting occurs as the walls start bleeding for some reason, then they remember that they're in mortal danger and run for the portal before they're crushed by a piece of falling magical masonry. He ushers her through and then to her horror destroys it from his end. He doesn't actually destroy it with his end, although given the amount of ink that's been devoted to describing how solidly muscled his buttocks are I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he had.
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Some heavy petting occurs as the walls start bleeding for some reason, then they remember that they're in mortal danger and run for the portal before they're crushed by a piece of falling magical masonry. He ushers her through and then to her horror destroys it from his end. He doesn't actually destroy it with his end, although given the amount of ink that's been devoted to describing how solidly muscled his buttocks are I wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he had.
She falls down sobbing in the mud but has to get over it pretty quickly when she notices the house is on fire. She darts in and saves the housekeeper and stablehand (characters whose main purpose thus far have been to comedically blunder in and interrupt our hot and horny heroes when things are about to get heavy) but is then trapped in the attic with Little Sister. Conveniently at this point though it emerges Little Sister is in fact half Faerie and capable of putting out the flames with magic
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She falls down sobbing in the mud but has to get over it pretty quickly when she notices the house is on fire. She darts in and saves the housekeeper and stablehand (characters whose main purpose thus far have been to comedically blunder in and interrupt our hot and horny heroes when things are about to get heavy) but is then trapped in the attic with Little Sister. Conveniently at this point though it emerges Little Sister is in fact half Faerie and capable of putting out the flames with magic
A lot of things, none of them sexy, now happen very quickly. Love Interest the First shows up with his army but she decides not to give him the magical whatchamacallit because as Little Sister is half Faerie doing so will kill her too. She destroys it instead and there is a pitched battle between LI1's army and some statues animated by a feral ten year old laughing manically by the light of her burning home, in what is objectively the single cool scene of the book.
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A lot of things, none of them sexy, now happen very quickly. Love Interest the First shows up with his army but she decides not to give him the magical whatchamacallit because as Little Sister is half Faerie doing so will kill her too. She destroys it instead and there is a pitched battle between LI1's army and some statues animated by a feral ten year old laughing manically by the light of her burning home, in what is objectively the single cool scene of the book.
Ice Eye's army is too powerful however, and our mortally wounded heroine is forced to retreat to the smouldering ruins of the house along with Little Sister and the pair of Comedy Serfs.
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Ice Eye's army is too powerful however, and our mortally wounded heroine is forced to retreat to the smouldering ruins of the house along with Little Sister and the pair of Comedy Serfs.
By this point our heroine’s magic is beginning to wane. She is also in terrible pain, exhausted, terrified and slowly dying. She's also probably horny, but more because this is her default state than in response to recent events. This is of course an excellent state of mind in which to master a complex and dangerous piece of magic that no one has been able to figure out since its inventors died centuries ago.
