I know I've said it before but while in general I am a fan of the fact that romantasy as a genre exists, and popular culture is finally acknowledging that women get horny and like sex, I wish it didn't mean formulaic heterosmut now has to be shoehorned...
-
By this point our heroine’s magic is beginning to wane. She is also in terrible pain, exhausted, terrified and slowly dying. She's also probably horny, but more because this is her default state than in response to recent events. This is of course an excellent state of mind in which to master a complex and dangerous piece of magic that no one has been able to figure out since its inventors died centuries ago.
It goes wrong and they all die horribly. The End.
-
It goes wrong and they all die horribly. The End.
Sorry, that was me indulging in a bit of fantasy myself there. Sadly that’s not actually what happens. Instead she has a brief hallucinatory conversation with her inner child who tells her that the only thing she has to fear is fear itself, the fundamental structure of the universe reveals itself to her and she pulls them all through to Faerieland without needing the broken portal.
-
Sorry, that was me indulging in a bit of fantasy myself there. Sadly that’s not actually what happens. Instead she has a brief hallucinatory conversation with her inner child who tells her that the only thing she has to fear is fear itself, the fundamental structure of the universe reveals itself to her and she pulls them all through to Faerieland without needing the broken portal.
And at this point I'm overcome by a sudden and overwhelming urge to alphabetise my socks, so I'll leave you there Mastodon. Thank you for being here with me through this excruciating experience.
-
And at this point I'm overcome by a sudden and overwhelming urge to alphabetise my socks, so I'll leave you there Mastodon. Thank you for being here with me through this excruciating experience.
We catch up with the party in a crumbling faerieland. As her terrified subjects cower or make a futile attempt to flee the collapse of their entire plane of reality, the Faerie Queen has decided the most useful thing she could be doing is ritually executing Adonis McHardbutt for his treachery in an excellent argument against a system of hereditary monarchy's ability to select good leaders for a crisis.
-
We catch up with the party in a crumbling faerieland. As her terrified subjects cower or make a futile attempt to flee the collapse of their entire plane of reality, the Faerie Queen has decided the most useful thing she could be doing is ritually executing Adonis McHardbutt for his treachery in an excellent argument against a system of hereditary monarchy's ability to select good leaders for a crisis.
She has thoughtfully taken the time to remove his shirt for the occasion, in case anyone had forgotten that he's really quite muscular
-
She has thoughtfully taken the time to remove his shirt for the occasion, in case anyone had forgotten that he's really quite muscular
As her vision fades and her heart fails, our heroine instructs little sister and the two innocent bystanders who are by now probably seriously regretting taking their employment choices to hide behind a tree root. She then crawls towards the gruesome yet probably still in some way sexy tableau in front of them, instead of asking someone actually capable of walking to do whatever she planned.
-
As her vision fades and her heart fails, our heroine instructs little sister and the two innocent bystanders who are by now probably seriously regretting taking their employment choices to hide behind a tree root. She then crawls towards the gruesome yet probably still in some way sexy tableau in front of them, instead of asking someone actually capable of walking to do whatever she planned.
Having learned nothing from the last time she tried this she pleads with the Faerie Queen, who once again responds "Lol nope"
-
Having learned nothing from the last time she tried this she pleads with the Faerie Queen, who once again responds "Lol nope"
Suddenly Ice Eyes shows up with his army? Somehow? I thought the point of breaking the portal was to prevent this from happening?
-
Suddenly Ice Eyes shows up with his army? Somehow? I thought the point of breaking the portal was to prevent this from happening?
A lot of fighting happens around our heroine while she gets on with quietly dying. Little Sister pops up and LI1, who is the only person who has a clue what's going on at this point probably including the author, figures out she's the Faerie Queen's daughter and tries to take her hostage. Beef SuperNoodle then at long last gets the opportunity to stick something in someone and stabs him, though not effectively enough to shut him up.
-
A lot of fighting happens around our heroine while she gets on with quietly dying. Little Sister pops up and LI1, who is the only person who has a clue what's going on at this point probably including the author, figures out she's the Faerie Queen's daughter and tries to take her hostage. Beef SuperNoodle then at long last gets the opportunity to stick something in someone and stabs him, though not effectively enough to shut him up.
By now our heroine is even closer to death, even more exhausted and in even more pain than she was before, and mere minutes from the hour at which she will turn 21 and lose her magic. As we have now established this is the best possible condition in which to master new and complex pieces of magic. Having now gained mastery of the very fabric of the universe itself and learned to travel between realms, she takes the next step that eluded the great witches of old and stops time itself
-
By now our heroine is even closer to death, even more exhausted and in even more pain than she was before, and mere minutes from the hour at which she will turn 21 and lose her magic. As we have now established this is the best possible condition in which to master new and complex pieces of magic. Having now gained mastery of the very fabric of the universe itself and learned to travel between realms, she takes the next step that eluded the great witches of old and stops time itself
Her magic is now gone, but having successfully extended the last possible moment, she reaches for the only source of power remaining to her. She finds the guttering ember of her own life force, and channels that energy into restoring the magical McGuffin and saving faerieland knowing that the cost will be her own life.
-
Her magic is now gone, but having successfully extended the last possible moment, she reaches for the only source of power remaining to her. She finds the guttering ember of her own life force, and channels that energy into restoring the magical McGuffin and saving faerieland knowing that the cost will be her own life.
As the last spark of her life force flickers out she slides into unconsciousness, and we can only envy her. I don’t think she’s dead, more’s the pity, as this is written in the first person and there are two more chapters to go. I assume there will consist of protracted bonking and I don’t have the stomach right now so I’ll leave it there.
-
As the last spark of her life force flickers out she slides into unconsciousness, and we can only envy her. I don’t think she’s dead, more’s the pity, as this is written in the first person and there are two more chapters to go. I assume there will consist of protracted bonking and I don’t have the stomach right now so I’ll leave it there.
Sorry for the extended break folks, my life suddenly got extremely busy with a rather dramatic change in our living situation that I'll post about properly when the dust settles and apocalyptic rainfall that caused flooding, a brownout and a few crucial machines at work to expire quite dramatically. But I'm back now, and I regret to inform you that our heroine survived.
-
Sorry for the extended break folks, my life suddenly got extremely busy with a rather dramatic change in our living situation that I'll post about properly when the dust settles and apocalyptic rainfall that caused flooding, a brownout and a few crucial machines at work to expire quite dramatically. But I'm back now, and I regret to inform you that our heroine survived.
She wakes up in a luxurious bed provided by the Faerie Queen, who has now stopped threatening her with spiders and fear and pain beyond her imagination and is instead giving her nice clothes and shoes and a faerie ladies maid, presumably to make up for the fact the the housekeeper and stablehand who came with her to faerieland are never mentioned again so I guess the faeries ate them or something
-
She wakes up in a luxurious bed provided by the Faerie Queen, who has now stopped threatening her with spiders and fear and pain beyond her imagination and is instead giving her nice clothes and shoes and a faerie ladies maid, presumably to make up for the fact the the housekeeper and stablehand who came with her to faerieland are never mentioned again so I guess the faeries ate them or something
Turns out she saved everyone! Hurrah! Except possibly for the two domestics who are too boring and unsexy to count.
-
Turns out she saved everyone! Hurrah! Except possibly for the two domestics who are too boring and unsexy to count.
She learns that while she was unconscious she managed to kill Mr Tall Pale and Sinister because his heart was bound to hers, so when she used her life energy to restore the magical thingamajig she actually spent his instead. Because just as our heroine is a Good Girl who can drool over Slab McChungus's breeches clad backside but is only allowed to actually express desire while enchanted, apparently she can't do something bad like deliberately choosing to kill someone while conscious either
-
She learns that while she was unconscious she managed to kill Mr Tall Pale and Sinister because his heart was bound to hers, so when she used her life energy to restore the magical thingamajig she actually spent his instead. Because just as our heroine is a Good Girl who can drool over Slab McChungus's breeches clad backside but is only allowed to actually express desire while enchanted, apparently she can't do something bad like deliberately choosing to kill someone while conscious either
The Faerie Queen informs her that she has decided to sever Faerieland's connection to the mortal realm forever, to stop shit like this from ever happening again and also possibly because she's seen what passes for fiction in our realm and is horrified. This means that Mechanically Recovered Beef is now free of his familial obligation to defend the portal and can live his life as he pleases.
-
The Faerie Queen informs her that she has decided to sever Faerieland's connection to the mortal realm forever, to stop shit like this from ever happening again and also possibly because she's seen what passes for fiction in our realm and is horrified. This means that Mechanically Recovered Beef is now free of his familial obligation to defend the portal and can live his life as he pleases.
They decide to go off travelling together, and fair enough after everything that’s happened they could probably do with a bit of a holiday.
-
They decide to go off travelling together, and fair enough after everything that’s happened they could probably do with a bit of a holiday.
But I can’t help feeling our heroine is just 21, at the beginning of her career, and has not only replicated the feats of the great witches of previous centuries but surpassed them. The very structure of the universe has revealed itself to her, she has attained mastery of not just space but also time. At this point her ambitions should probably stretch a little beyond a gentle self-paced walking holiday in the Dolomites, you know?
-
But I can’t help feeling our heroine is just 21, at the beginning of her career, and has not only replicated the feats of the great witches of previous centuries but surpassed them. The very structure of the universe has revealed itself to her, she has attained mastery of not just space but also time. At this point her ambitions should probably stretch a little beyond a gentle self-paced walking holiday in the Dolomites, you know?
This also means that Little Sister will have to choose which of the two realms she wants to spend the rest of her life in, a choice that given how paternalistically involved her brother has been in all her other major life decisions he seems remarkably relaxed about?
